Day 33

     Weekends used to be for relaxing. This morning I told Lucas that before we had him, Daddy and I used to sleep in late, watch sports on TV and go out with our friends on the weekend. He laughed and told me that was silly.

Those aren't dairy-free

     We used to be silly. The past ten and half years have been a lot of fun, but there has also been a lot of "growing up"- and a lot quicker than we wanted. I often feel like during our difficult times in 2009, we lost a lot of what made us "us". Does that make sense? I like to think my husband and I are pretty funny people, but we got a lot more serious than we used to be.
     This weekend was filled with housework, yard work, a sick kid, a cranky kid and a few beers/glasses of wine. We try to make the best of things, but obviously we aren't going out on the town like we used to- not that it's a bad thing, just our reality. Tonight, I really wanted to get an area rug and new lamp for our bedroom, so we ran to Target after we dropped of the tiller my husband rented at Home Depot.... Ugh, just writing this sentence makes me cringe- who are we? Anyway, I had Ben in the stroller and Jim had Lucas in the cart. As we both walked toward the store, I declared a race and we nearly knocked over families (at 8pm) with our squealing children (who happened to be dressed in their pjs) to see who could make it to the door first. It was such a silly and happy moment. The kind of moment that used to fill our days when it was just the two of us.
     When we got home, put the kids to bed, put away our purchases and placed a grocery order, I went to get my dairy-free dessert from the freezer as my reward for the weekend and found the box full of rainbow Goldfish, my husband laughing behind me.
     I can't quite explain why, but this makes me so happy. It actually might be my favorite moment from the weekend. I know we will spend the rest of our lives doing silly things to make each other smile.
     I am so very lucky to have found my this amazing man to share my life with.

Day 32

     I want to look you in the eye and tell you something.

No concealer, no make-up, no problem.

     Thank you. 

     In the past week I have received emails, phone calls, texts- even a package in the mail! All of these have been messages of support and encouragement for what I am attempting to do with this blog, which is basically present myself in an honest way. I never imagined it would get the reaction it has. I am so amazed by the response I have received this far along into the project and I am seriously considering continuing this beyond the 40 days. I've never really thought of myself as anything other than a musician and the reaction I'm getting to my writing has me rethinking that label. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

     On to the picture. I've noticed that in my interactions with others I have begun avoiding eye contact. I don't know why- it may be that I'm self conscious of the frazzled state I'm in or maybe I'm just distracted. Either way, starting today I'm going to make the effort to look people in the eye more. If I'm talking to you, feel free to call me out if I'm not making eye contact. I want people to know I'm listening and am engaged in the conversation. I think I've lost that, but I'm going to work on getting it back. 

     

Day 31

     Sick babies are special kind of cuddly.

Yes, that's a beer. Now you know these photos aren't staged.

     We've been very lucky with Ben. While we've faced some issues with him being a preemie and in the NICU, as well as all the dairy allergy problems, he hasn't been sick. Until now. 

     Last night we were woken up at midnight with screaming and we discovered he had a temp of 103.6. I had taken him to the doctor earlier in the day because of a 101 fever and crankiness, which is so unlike him. Lucas always seemed to have something involving a fever so during this lull we'd forgotten about the late nights of sweaty, tearful, cranky cuddling. No one slept well- except for Lucas who is really learning to stay asleep through the screaming- and the day was just as miserable. It seems the only thing that makes Ben comfortable is cuddling, nursing or sleeping. 

     I could be frustrated that his sickness is hampering our weekend plans. We wanted to see the opening of my friend's art show tonight at a local coffee shop and we may have to cancel a visit with my sister tomorrow. But, it is what it is and the most important thing is that we get him comfortable and feeling better soon. There is only a short time in his life where cuddling with mommy will solve his problems. I am going to try my best to keep that perspective when I'm holding him at 2am...

Day 30

     It's #tbt...

      I like to think I was into DIY before it got really cool. For our wedding, I made these frames with the table numbers and put corresponding pictures of us at that age. We both felt bad for tables 13, 14 and 15. But the others were pretty adorable! 

Now you know where our kids get their good looks from.

    

     I was looking through old photos and found this and was amazed at what a beautiful combination our children are of the both of us. I remember looking through our childhood photos together and joking around that we were going to make gorgeous children one day. Now, here we are- I can see Ben's chin and smile in my husband and Lucas's & Ben's cheeks in myself. Also, clearly they were both going to have a ton of hair- a bald baby was never in the cards. 

     Isn't it mind blowing to see yourself in the life you've created? 

   

     

Day 29

     Today was a beautiful day for a walk through town.

Ben is wearing the "wizard hat" my students bought him. And I'm wearing the head scarf because I didn't shower yet.  

     I love walking where we live because there are so many different types of homes. From quaint capes and bungalows to mid-century compounds and historic brick mansions, you can see pretty much every type of house imaginable. This also means the people are pretty diverse as well, so it's been a little tough finding young professionals with children the same age as ours. This may be because we live on a main road or because I'm bad at socializing. But that's a story for another day because...

     We met someone! At first, I walked by a woman who appeared to be the same age as me and sort of waved. She had a baby in a stroller and another kid was running around. I guess I could have stopped to talk, but do people do that? I got nervous and kept on going. Once Ben and I made it to the park, he tried out and hated the swing, so we turned around and headed home. I passed by the woman again and this time we were both on the sidewalk on the same side of the street, so we pretty much had to talk. 

     Thank goodness Ben is so smiley because he really helps me break the ice. It started out with me smiling at her baby and asking how old she was and continued with her complimenting my wrap (a Maya wrap for those who are interested), which I think was mommy-speak for "maybe we could be friends". It turns out our kids are approximately the same age and would therefore be in the same grades at the same elementary school and we live right around the block from each other. 

     The conversation was pleasant and she didn't seem to mind the vomit that was all over Ben, myself and my wrap, so I guess that's good sign! I introduced ourselves and got her name and that of the neighbor from across the street. When I said good-bye and headed home after a few jokes about potty training and the kids sleeping in my bed, I quickly typed her name and the names of her kids into my phone so I would remember them. I'm not trying to be stalkerish, but I had already forgotten the name of the woman who lived across the street- hey, 1 for 2 isn't that bad! Now I'm planning my next walk to casually pass by her house so we can talk again. 

     Ben and I are really trying to be social. I get to the gym, I've made some great friends through a local mom group and I try to go out when we can. Before I was a mom, I never imagined how difficult it would be to get out of the house. There are nap times to consider and colds/teething/general bad moods. With Lucas I just hung around and it wasn't good for either of us which is why despite the vomit and the return of that head scarf, I'm really excited about venturing out of the home today and meeting someone new! 

Day 28

     This is a going to be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Pun intended.

Hmm, I think I need a pedicure

     There it is. My current weight. No estimating, no rounding down, no hiding it. I am 164.2 lbs. 

     I remember my weight from almost every stage of my life-

• 11 years old- 100 lbs
• 12 years old- 120 lbs
• 13 years old- 140+ lbs
• 14 years old- 160-175 lbs
• 15 years old- 130 lbs
• 16 years old- 120 lbs
• 18 years old- 125 lbs
• 21 years old- 170+ lbs
• 25 years old- 130 lbs
• 30 years old- 190+ lbs (Pregnant with Lucas)
• 33 years old- 150 lbs- 189 lbs (Pregnant with Ben) 

     Are you noticing a trend? My weight has fluctuated my entire life. There was a point when I was gaining 20 lbs a year. It's been a tough road to get where I am today. When I have been my most physically fit I was 140 lbs and that's the place I am happiest. But I need to be honest with myself in that I will probably never have the time to devote myself to physical fitness like I used to. Of course I will get back into shape, but let's be honest- 2 hours at the gym 6 days a week plus a long run or 1+ hours 3-4 days, a family run and play time with my kids? I choose the later, and I must accept that my weight is taking longer to come off this time around.

     So there it is folks- my weight for all the world to see. This actually feels pretty fantastic to own up to! 

Day 27

     I should probably never have a nice car again.

Those coffee stains are probably from 2013...

     I went to Target today like every other stay-at-home mom in America does. It's just so easy to navigate with a baby. I know where everything is, I can buy baby items, food items, cleaning supplies, yoga pants and adorable house decor all in one place. Plus there is a Starbucks, so it's pretty much the best place ever. 

     On my way out I had a quick but lovely conversation with the woman parked next to me. Turns out she also has two boys and we bonded over the shared experiences of potty training and sibling rough housing. We said good-bye and got in our respective cars but neither of us moved. I glanced over after a few minutes and saw and we were both sitting in our driver seats eating a snack, drinking our coffee and staring off into space. 

     Cars are both a source of relaxation and terror when you've got young children. When the kids are content or even asleep, you can listen to your favorite music, drink a HOT cup of coffee and not worry about anyone touching you. When they are screaming or crying, you cannot get me out of the car fast enough. 

     My car has teething toys, gloves, coats, dirt, snacks, old coffee cups, new coffee cups, baby carriers, dirt, changes of clothes (for all of us), books, toys-did I mention dirt?- just about everything you'd imagine. To put it bluntly, this vehicle is a disaster zone. It's not the adorable orange convertible Beetle that I previously owned, but it is my space and I love it- provided no one screaming!