Day 40

    It is becoming increasingly hard to find/take pictures of myself that don't involve a kid and I am coming to terms with that. There will be plenty of days in my future when I will wish for my children to be near me, so I am going to soak it all in now. It seemed fitting that I end the 40 Day project with a photo of the boys who make me want to be a better role model. 

If you've ever wondered what I look like first thing in the morning, wonder no more.

     I tried to think about what these past 40 days have been for me- what have I learned? 

• My son can take some pretty great pictures.
• I can look very different from one day to the next.
• Even when I think I'm at my worst, it's possible to find something about myself that is beautiful.
• Almost everyone feels the way I have at some point in their lives.
• Vanity can be pretty destructive.
• Treating myself with kindness has lead me to be a kinder person to others. 
• Honesty is amazing.
• Motherhood has infiltrated every area of my life. And I'm OK with that. 
• This project isn't over.

     I cannot stop this now. It's been too good for me- I recently told someone it's the cheapest therapy I've ever been in. And no, I'm not being sarcastic! I want to continue this idea of looking at each day through a photograph and sharing that with the world. 

     So, hopefully you won't mind if I continue to put myself out there. I hope you try it, too!

Day 39

     My haircare and maintenance schedule used to be pretty rock solid. I'd get my hair highlighted or colored before the roots got bad and I would make sure to trim my hair often to keep the ends neat. Now I'm lucky if it's washed.

Awkward/backward hair selfie

     Today, after much deliberation, I decided to go back to blonde. I thought that brunette would suit me better and I was under the impression that my hair was getting darker anyway. However, it turns out the color is going in the opposite direction....

     A few months ago I found my first grey hair. I texted my sister immediately with a picture of the offending hair. How could this happen? I had never seen a grey hair on my head ever, yet here was this long white strand that said otherwise. Of course, once you find one, you search your head daily to see if there are others. And there are. Many more! I had never noticed them before but clearly this did not happen overnight.
     The grey doesn't bother me too much- it's the idea of maintaining the darker color that gets me most upset. I haven't have a hair cut since before Ben was born and haven't had my color done in 6 months. Therefore, I decided to go back to blonde with highlights in the hopes of gracefully accepting the grey.

     So, I must address the age old questions- Do blondes have more fun? I never really noticed a difference, but I'm thinking/hoping that maybe the greys might!

Day 38

     So, this is my stomach.

"All right Mr. DeMille, I'm [not quite] ready for my close-up," 

     Having children affects many areas of the body, but one of the most obvious and "public" places is the abdominal region. How many magazine covers do we see of celebrities showing off their bikini-ready bodies just 6 weeks after giving birth? It was so refreshing to see Princess Kate leave the hospital with a normal post-partum belly- then the magazines had to ruin it for me when they showed pictures of her "toned abs" as she played volleyball with school children a few months later. Of course I know that I didn't look like her to begin with, but since our sons share the same birthday and the media loves to follow the royal couple, I can't help but compare myself a little.

     Anyway, I am showing my belly here because I'm actually pretty proud of what I have accomplished through Pilates and exercise. I still have a way to go until I feel comfortable with the lower abdominal region, but I'm getting there. 

     The real struggle for me is going to be when we travel to Las Vegas at the end of next month. Somehow I need to gear myself up to wear a swimsuit in public. But hey, if I can post a picture on the internet that reveals my stomach for all to see, stepping out in a bikini probably isn't so bad! 

Day 37

     So this is technically supposed to be a #tbt edition, but how could I not share this photo?

This may be the happiest I've looked sitting at a piano

     Music. It's my life, it's the air I breathe, it runs through my veins, but somehow I still find myself so intimidated when surrounded by professionals. I know making music gives me joy- the kind of joy Ben is demonstrating above- but I'm never quite sure of myself.

     I don't know where I belong in the musical world. I started out in choir, fell in love with musical theater, trained to be a classical/operatic singer and then ended up in the general music/choral classroom in elementary and middle school. I guess I feel like a jack of all trades, master of none. 

     

     So, tonight  I rehearsed with a choir for the Broadway Battles Bullying benefit that I previously wrote about and I totally freaked out on the train ride in. I sat in the back back row with my pencil ready and my music already learned (both alto and soprano). Within moments of starting rehearsal, I knew I was where I needed to be. The exhilaration of singing this glorious music with others who feel so passionate about the cause of the benefit brought me to tears, although thank goodness I was able to control myself and not sob like a crazy person! 

     

     Professional self confidence is a topic I think I need to approach. For now, I am content to look at the joy on our faces as "we" practiced the music. And I look forward to seeing the joy on faces in the audience when this music is performed! 

     

     

Day 36

      Another beautiful day, another beautiful walk. 

Would you believe he was crying 2 second before the camera came out?

     I met up with my friend today for a long overdue coffee and conversation. I miss her so much, and we don't even live that far from one another. I hate that I get so distracted with everything that before I know it, four months have passed. Seriously, FOUR MONTHS!!!
     We had a great time strolling through her neighborhood and catching up on the happenings of our lives. I value our friendship so much and couldn't imagine these past 16+ years without her.

     OK, so I know based on my post last night, I probably should have shared something that involved "me time", but I had a beautiful afternoon with a beautiful friend. And that's something that makes me feel so good and so normal. 
     
     Plus she took this gorgeous picture of me in my pre-pregnancy jeans ;-) 

Day 35

     I'm exhausted.

Jim knew this was a blog worthy moment.

     I couldn't quite figure out what it was that wore me down today, but something did.

     I went for a five mile walk today with Ben. We walked into town, stopped in some stores, visited the library, read some books and then walked back. It was absolutely beautiful outside and the perfect anecdote to the harsh winter we experienced here in the North East. During the walk I thought to myself how much better I feel when I'm out in the sunshine.
     Post-partum depression hit me hard with both kids and unfortunately for me, that period also coincided with some nasty winter weather that kept us inside. As I walked through town and breathed in the fresh air, I contemplated how difficult those months were.
     No one prepares you for the tidal wave of emotions and hormones that hit you after childbirth, but honestly, how could they? It's something unique to each individual and each pregnancy. And it doesn't always happen right away, and there are peaks and valleys.
     I know my triggers and I know when I'm losing control. Today I had such a nice walk and felt so peaceful but as soon as we got back in the house I saw the pile of clothes that needed to be folded, the dishes that needed to be washed, the dinner that needed to be cooked, the mail that needed to be gone through- I felt the anxiety building in my stomach. As soon and I put Ben down to begin cooking, he started crying. When Lucas and Jim came home, two more people wanted my attention. There were too many tasks and people who wanted me to focus on them and I couldn't take it- I can't take it. I absolutely shut down. And this is happening more and more frequently.

     But the good thing is I realize this and I am going to start putting my foot down. I need "me time". A few moments in the day when I am alone and can focus on no one else but myself. I can't even remember the last time I went to the bathroom in this house without someone watching me, cheering me on, or banging on the locked door.
     So, it starts tonight and I am hold myself accountable.

Day 34

     Did you ever wonder what you looked like when running?

     Well stop wondering, because unless you're some sort of graceful gazelle, it isn't good.

If I wasn't concentrating on taking this picture, I could totally run a 7 minute mile.

     I don't know what possessed me to take this picture today. Maybe it's because my pictures haven't been highlighting the physical appearance issues I wanted to tackle. Whatever the reason, this is a real doozy!
     I am stopping myself right now before I start critiquing the picture. I'm not mentioning anything I'm concerned with. I'm throwing all that negativity out.
     I ran 5k in 35 minutes. I'm getting there. I had glimpses of speed. I finally told myself to suck it up and start pushing. I have been insisting that I couldn't run faster than 5mph because of nursing (that it would hurt my supply). Ben is 8 months old, eating three meals a day and I've been doing just fine- that was an excuse, and no more excuses. So today I did interval training and started to pick up speed. It felt fantastic and I'm super sore- but the run was worth it. It's even worth looking like this while I'm doing it!