Day 13.2

     I'm too young to feel this old.

Drinks on the patio before we demolish it to make space for bed rooms and bigger family room. 

     Recently as we've been navigating the trials and tribulations of three children, home ownership, and careers, I've begun to feel like this is way too much responsibility. Are we really in charge of three children, all of whom have very different personalities and very specific needs? Are we really adding on to the home we bought as a family of three because we've outgrown it in just 4.5 years? Am I really returning to work outside of the home?
Obviously, the answer to all of these questions is "YES".

     There are more days than I'm comfortable admitting, when I feel like I'm just not supposed to be at this point in my life. Is this the oncoming of a midlife crisis? Maybe just the anxiety over the end of my "childbearing/maternity-leave years"? I'm so far into the role that I've developed for myself over the past decade- and it's not that I want to walk away from it- but it's freaking scary!

     Ten years ago, when I was a newlywed, the future seemed so full of possibilities. Many of them have been realized, but some never will. For example, career goals I felt so strongly about will not happen because the realities of motherhood have changed my priorities- whether I like it or not.

     But we adapt. That's something I love so much about Jim. We don't go out that much anymore (we should have done more when we were younger). But every Saturday he makes us some cocktails, we order take out, and have a date night in. And as we close in on ten years of marriage in our fourteen year relationship, I'm so grateful to have him through the highs and lows of growing up.

Day 12.2

     Facebook reminded me once again that three years ago, I was clueless. I thought I was exhausted- I even used the term "blissfully exhausted". I've since discovered, that's not a real thing. I usually can't stand the parents who tell you "you think this is hard? Just wait!" and then they laugh knowingly that you are in for it. But they are right. Just as I know the more seasoned parents reading this are shaking their own heads as I reflect on my little guy turning 4.

Just a typical kid trying to squirm away from his mom

     Today one of the teachers at daycare told me that Ben reminded her of an elegant old man. I'm completely serious. The emotional, long haired, super hero loving, perpetually loud and messy little boy that our friends lovingly refer to as "Kegger" is also like an elegant old man. And the amazing thing is that she's absolutely right. This child defies stereotypes and could never be placed in a box. He will tell you that he is the fastest person in the world and race you to prove it. He refuses haircuts because he loves his long hair. He can identify every vehicle at a construction site and then build them for you using his older brother's Legos. He can make his sister laugh harder than anyone else can, even though I'm pretty sure she's slightly terrified of him. His dance moves are creative and always stylistically appropriate for the music they accompany. I prefer his version of "Gold on the Ceiling" and I love the Black Keys, so that's saying a lot.
     I don't know if it's the fact that life over these past two years has completely overwhelmed me, but I haven't really been aware of his transformation from a baby into a kid. I turned around, and he was growing up. I don't want him to be the middle child that gets overlooked. But really, no one says that they want to ignore their kid. Things get in the way. An older child starts school, a new baby is born, family roles change. I think I was conscious of his aging, but I wasn't able to appreciate it because of my own issues.
   
     Let's be honest, it's not Ben that was overlooked. It's me. I used to make time for writing and reflection. I used to strive for personal/emotional/spiritual growth. Now I hope for 4 good hours of sleep a night and anything else is a bonus. My kids are front and center. I haven't remotely neglected any of these kids. However, I've neglected me.
     Three years has found a lot of changes in my life. Another child threw things out of whatever balance they had-and it wasn't much. As I prepare to wake up to a four year old tomorrow, I'm not feeling the same optimistic hopefulness as I did three years ago. Of course we will celebrate and enjoy our time together, but I know there will be meltdowns from at least 4 out of 5 family members. Yet, life will go on. Years from now, he will look back on his birthday weekend and remember a few special moments. I will do my best to make sure they are the same kinds of beautiful memories like
I've captured of him over these past four years.

Day 11.2

It's too loud here.

Fingers in my ears can't drown out this noise

     I swear the kids spend at least 5 hours a day screaming. This is not an exaggeration. And the thing is, they don't do it all at the same time. It's spread out over the course of a day. However, in the above picture, they happen to all be screaming at the same time. I can't even remember why.

     How do people do this? I swear, it just gets more difficult each day. I love these kids. We both agree that they are amazing, but the 3 on 2 thing just isn't working. Is there another parent we can rent to help us out?

     I know, everyone tells me... it gets worse. But it also gets easier. And if I didn't want insanity, why have three? And 8 years ago, didn't I envy every family with children? 8 years ago wasn't I cursing my uterus?

     The journey into parenthood has been ugly, beautiful, imperfect, joyful, insane, painful, and messy. I thought it would get better as I figured out what I was doing, but it's only getting tougher and I still haven't figured much out. Well, I'm positive that I have a real love/hate relationship with the sound of my screaming children.

Day 10.2

     Another #nationalselfieday and a great day to get out my thoughts about technology and raising kids.
 
      Here's a picture of me documenting our hospital stay on Monday.

I love this kid so much

     So my second born has had a rough few weeks medically. We found out he contracted Lyme disease about six weeks ago. Although he's been treated with the standard three week course of antibiotics, any parent who has experienced this will agree, we have been rocked by the diagnoses. Symptoms vary and can last from a few weeks to six or more months. There could be long term effects, but we will just have to wait and see. Many recover completely and we are hopeful that we will be in that category. In the meantime, any fever, aches, pains, swelling, mood swings and illnesses send me into a panic.
     On Monday we awoke to a vomiting and lethargic child who couldn't string together a sentence in response to my questions. To the ER we went to find that our little guy was quite ill and very dehydrated. Due to the Lyme disease, there was some concern that we may be looking at meningitis, although that was unlikely. We were kept in the ER for testing and then transferred to pediatrics. He was so brave through the blood work, X-rays, IV placement, and general poking and prodding during examinations. We sang songs, read books, played with cards, built stuff with legos, raced matchbox cars, made up stories, and snuggled a lot. It was the most one on one time we had shared together in years, and although it was scary, it was also a very special experience.
     During the night time, he insisted that I sleep in the hospital bed with him. Also, he snores like an old man. I couldn't sleep, so I spent some time scrolling through Facebook and Twitter. I came across a few postings and discussions about technology and children. There are the standard "Dear Mom" ones, where someone addresses a random mother to either encourage or chide her for parenting choices. There are also the various Today Show posts about mom shaming and the like. I didn't sleep much that night- mostly because of the snoring, but also because of some intense reflection on parenting.

     The following morning found my little guy much improved, although completely wiped out. Further blood tests suggested this was a nasty virus and unrelated to Lyme disease. Relieved, I put on Disney Jr. to entertain Ben and sat down to send some follow up texts and emails. One of the hospital chaplains knocked on the door and I sprung up, tossing my phone aside and quickly went into defense about why the TV was on and why I was using the phone. I didn't want him walking out of the room thinking he needed to pray for Ben and his negligent mother. I also didn't want him going home to write a "Dear Terrible Mom in the hospital who was ignoring her child" posting.
     I wanted him to know I had spent the past 30+ hours with a very sick kid and was at the end of the my rope. I wanted him to know I had two other kids at home who my husband and I were arranging care for. I wanted him to know that I try so hard 24/7, but there are moments that I just need to stop.

     So many of these posting and articles claim that they are not shaming or judging, but the truth is they are. If you would not say the words that you post online to another person, why type them out? Both the good and the bad. If you don't tell a random parent you encounter that they are doing a great job despite being in the thick of it, why write an anonymous positing doing so? Open your mouth and say something- it would make their day! If you wouldn't approach that same random parent if they handed their child an iPad, don't go on Facebook to complain about how parents these days rely on technology to raise their children. Offer some time to help a family you know- I don't know anyone who couldn't use a little more support.
     None of us are our best selves all of the time. In a 24 hour day, I'm probably a pretty good person for a solid 3 hours. I might have half an hour when I'm a superstar. The rest of the time, I'm either struggling to get by or trying to sleep. I'm tired of the click bait out there that reminds me there are others who think I'm an awful parent. From now on, I focus on the opinions that matter- those of my husband and three kids.
   
     Ben thinks selfies in a hospital bed that move up and down are pretty amazing, and so do I!

Day 9.2

     My son came home with this gem of a time waster filler today. 

It took me way too long to figure out "eltneg"

     Let me start out by saying that I am in no way passing any judgment on the teacher for having them do a word search. It's May- kids are out of control during the last few weeks of school. Sometimes you just have to hand them a word search or seven and let them be. Been there, done that (more times than I'd like to admit).

     What caught my attention was the words the kids were asked to search for- "cooking", "gentle", "patient", "sweet"…

    

      Where are "exhausted", "takeout", "wine", and "sobbing in a locked bathroom"? Ok, maybe that last one is a little much, but you get what I'm saying right? 

     Tonight I offered my kids mac and cheese for the third night in a row, but we mixed it up and did grilled cheese instead- i guess that counts as cooking? We stood by and let the kids wrestle in the bathtub until the floor was sopping wet- that's totally patient! 

     These past few weeks have been so hard. I don't know where to begin, and I'm not even sure I remember all the reasons why. We are in the thick of some wild times with these kids and I've about lost it. 

     Today in the middle of my therapy session, I burst into tears. My daughter, who had been crawling all over me, first wiped them away, laughed at me and then tried to nurse. That really sums up life right now. I know my kids aren't really trying to break me, (they can't help but be normal 6, 3, and 1 year olds), but they sort of are. 

     I talked about how I feel like a bad mother because I am not giving each kid all the attention they need. Now I don't mean that I focus on them each 100%- I'm talking about insisting on chores, following through with punishments, brushing teeth on a regular basis- I'm falling behind with all of these things. I try to give them autonomy and the tools to take on some independence, but it's so hard when I could really make the bed so much quicker! 

     When I get rid of my snarky attitude and look at the list of words, I see that they are so important to me as a mother not only for the way I deal with my children, but also in how I deal with myself. I really haven't been gentle or nice to me- and I definitely haven't been patient. 

     I am going to work on this.

     But don't expect any changes on the cooking front. 

 

Day 8.2

     All I need is to be holding an ice cream cone in one hand and I could be the "before picture" for a Jenny Craig ad.

It's ok, we can acknowledge the truth here.

     When I asked my husband to snap this photo of Ben driving me (and 4 of his favorite matchbox cars) around in a playground tractor, I was feeling good. I had on my new Athleta leggings, I'd been doing well with eating and exercise and I had been actively playing with my kids who were having a great time on our first day of spring break. Swiping through my photos on the car ride home, I was horrified to see the shapeless blob splayed out on the tractor.

     

     I'm a work in progress. Whether we are talking about my health, my family, my career- I'm constantly trying to be better. In this moment of fun with my son, I'm not concerned with poor posture or ill-fitting sports bras. I'm concerned with looking out for imaginary animals on an imaginary farm. I've spent a lot of time with running, Pilates and meal planning. This was the time for quality interaction with my son.  

     And yes, that is my daughter in the unattended stroller…like I said, I'm a work in progress. 

   

Day 7.2

     I wish she could just tell me what's wrong.*

Seems we picked a bad time to start weening.

     It's been days of a virus, with no end in sight. Nothing is making her happy and no one is sleeping that well. I know I will look back fondly on weeks like this when our most difficult moments were navigating through new teeth, fevers, stomach viruses and pinkeye. But in the middle of it all, these times are hard.
     And my hygiene is gross. Thank goodness for headbands that can cover the disaster that is my unwashed hair!

     *Turns out it was a double ear infection, which we discovered at a midnight trip to the ER.