Day 19

     I'm drinking a glass of wine and reflecting on the past few days. I might need the bottle.

Don't you ever think about leaving me alone with them again

     If it could have happened it did- the kids got sick, there were accidents, meltdowns, and messes. But guess what, that is life. This is what we go through. Humans are unpredictable. The best laid plans don't always go the way we want. Today I wanted to have a play date, make crafts, bake brownies, take a walk into town- none of that happened, not even close! But, the kids are clean, the house isn't completely destroyed and there is always tomorrow. 

     I'm not "Supermom". I need to stop trying to be her. I do the best I can and I need to accept that it's OK. I also do not need to parent on my own- I am so lucky to have an amazing partner and he and I get it done together. In his absence I realized that I am not taking care of everything, which I am sure I've thought at some point. We function as a team and I am so grateful for our partnership. He even seems happy to be close to me when I haven't showered since Friday and I've been puked on over a dozen times in the past 24 hours. 

     This is real love. 

Day 18

     Lucas loves to take selfies. We will name this one "The calm before the storm".

They are both plotting my demise.

     Tonight my kids put on a clinic. There was puking, screaming, crying, singing, shouting, new imaginary friends, explosive diapers. Really, this was one for the record books.
I tried my best for the first hour and a half of the 2+ hour attempt at getting the kids to bed, but I finally lost my cool. It was when Lucas and Carrot (his large stuffed carrot) couldn't get comfortable on the floor in Ben's room while I was trying to put him down. Apparently Carrot was really upset and I made him so very very sad. That was it. I screamed to Lucas that he needed to "knock it off" and told him to go to his room to cool off. Within minutes Thomas and Friends were yelling "knock it off" at each other and I realized I was beat.
     As adults, we have plans. As children, they ignore them. When you're a kid in a bathtub filled with bubbles and your mom is paying attention to your little brother, why wouldn't you splash as much water out of the tub as possible? When your mom isn't sticking to your normal bedtime routine, why wouldn't you put on a dramatic display with your stuffed vegetables? It's not that I didn't try, I just couldn't do it alone.
     I have trouble admitting that I need help. I like to take care of myself and the things around me without asking for assistance. It's a bad trait of mine that I hope the kids don't pick up. My husband has apparently figured out a way to help me without me even realizing it because after this weekend away, I am in awe of him and how we work as a team- and I didn't even realize it! But, that realization also comes with a downside for me. I had to ask my parents for help way more often than I wanted. I am embarrassed that I couldn't handle it all on my own. They watched the boys this morning while I went to work on the makeup for the play and when I came back my mother had done the dishes, made chicken soup, Lucas was playing with my father and Ben was napping. Cue internal meltdown. Why couldn't I accomplish this?
     No real answer here, just a stream of thoughts. I had to come back to this post this morning because both boys had a bad night of sleep and I am not quite sure where I was going with it. I guess I'll take the high road- my boys are fed, clothed and happy (Lucas is in that weird toddler-smile phase) and I am relatively clean. Good job team!

Day 17

So I'm going to make today #tbt because I've had a realization.

     I'm a very lucky woman. Not many folks in my position would be saying this. You see, my husband is currently in Key West at a bachelor party. I'm home with the kids and let's just say that they didn't hear my plea for a good night of sleep last night.
     I haven't been looking forward to this weekend. I could go into detail, but I'm pretty sure you can figure out my issues. Most importantly, I just miss my husband.

   
     I love this candid photo from our wedding (Thank you Dave & Amy Lau!). He is my best friend- My everything. On August 18, 2007 we took vows that we believed in, but couldn't quite comprehend until our marriage began. Who could have imagined that "in good times and bad" and "in sickness and in health" would come into play so quickly? He is my rock and I am his.

     Sometimes I lose sight of this. It's so easy to get caught up in work, the kids and whatnot. I was so frustrated over this trip because I felt it was inequitable. Don't get me wrong, I still do feel that way- I want a "girls trip" to someplace sunny and relaxing. But in the past two days I have been reminded of something I take for granted. I have an amazing husband. Our house is missing him right now.

     So almost seven years after this first dance, our relationship has grown more amazing every single day. No, it's not perfect, but it is real. And it is beautiful.

And our family can't wait to have him back for Dance Party!

Day 16

#tbt... Sort of.

     This is me tonight, March 20, 2014. And yes, that is a mouth guard- don't judge. My sweatshirt is also 16 years old- I bought it the week I was accepted to Rutgers.
     Yes I know, the photo isn't exactly throwback, but the shirt is. Just go with me, it's been a long day.

Why am I smiling this much? I must be delirious.

     The main point of this picture is that I successfully put both kids to sleep- by myself. My parents did come over for a bit to back me up, but I endured the CIO (for those who aren't familiar, that stands for cry it out) with Ben. I got Lucas to sleep. And I'm in my own bed- alone.
     So tonight, I'm typing up this post on my phone and will share it tomorrow. My computer is downstairs and quite frankly, I don't want to get it. I want to turn out the lights and go to sleep. Hopefully these kids will let me. I earned it!

Day 15

     The pity party is over.
     After my confession last night I decided that I could sit there and beat myself up or I could get back to work and start refocusing energy on my health and well being.
     I chose the latter.

I've moved on to "gym selfies".

     Today could have been bad. Last night was another stellar production by the all-night  performance ensemble that lives in my house. Therefore, I did not make it to a mom group I was planning to visit at my gym. However, I did make it to the gym for a workout after my nap and coffee kicked in.
     I went in with a plan. I thought, what do I want more than anything right now fitness-wise. I want to run long distance again and with improved speed. I got on the treadmill and knew I only had half an hour, but I was going to make it count. I did speed work for the first time in a while and it felt fantastic! Then I went over to the weight area to work on arms and when I glanced in the mirror to check my form, I could see the return of some definition in my upper arms. Hooray! Also I'll be retiring these pants as they are officially too big! They may or may not be maternity pants, but it's still a step forward!
     I only had 55 minutes to work out because of childcare, but I made every minute count. I am so proud because I've walked this path before many times and I don't usually turn myself around the next day. Sometimes it's taken months for me to pull out of a negative space and get refocused. I have a lot of my friends and readers to thank for that. Many of you reached out to me last night and today and your encouragement means so much.
    Thank you.

Day 14

     After last night I resolved to get a picture that did not involve one of my children. Today I visited rehearsal for the musical my district is putting on, so we could do some planning for the makeup and hair. My lovely assistant, Samantha, took this photo for me (while also holding Ben- what talent!)
     This is my "work husband". My actual husband probably doesn't love this term, but I'll use it none-the-less!

     The best part of this photo is that I have an almost identical picture from my wedding! 

     Our friendship is something I treasure so much and to see how we still banter and make each other laugh after 10 years is incredibly heartwarming! How many people are so lucky to do what they love for a living and with one of their closest friends? I am thankful everyday for the opportunity to work with someone who brings out the best in me both professionally and personally.

     While my face is absolutely lit up as I talk to Keith, I've got to confess that I'm totally criticizing myself as I look at this picture. And I know I need to give myself a break. The truth is, this is the first time in a while that I've seen myself from afar. It's hard to look at and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm frustrated with myself because I am 8 months past giving birth. I am going to the gym. I have given up dairy. Why can't I get back to my previous level of fitness? I don't want to make excuses like nursing being a priority or I'm just getting older. I was able to do it last time, I should be able to this time.
     It's really uncomfortable for me to see this. But that's what these 40 days are about, right? I've got to find the beauty here. Maybe the beauty is in being honest with my feelings about appearances and insecurities. I've had them all my life. I need to own up to them in order to move past them. So here it is- I'm incredibly insecure about myself and I'm going to use these remaining 26 days to work on getting over these destructive feelings.

     Wow, it only took me two weeks to get to the heart of the matter...

Day 13

     I promise that every day I am thankful for, grateful for, amazed by and in love with my children. That being said, as I've embark on this photographic journey I am beginning to realize that my life pretty much revolves around them.

Who is this crazy woman and what is she doing to me?

     This is another one of Lucas's candid shots of mom. I was making silly faces and sounds at Ben and I promise he was enjoying the entertainment. This looks like a great moment, doesn't it?

     What the photograph doesn't capture is the tantrum that followed when we took my phone away from Lucas. And for the second time in two days I literally had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming at him to knock it off. I was smart and removed myself from the situation and in the end, we were able to salvage the night with some great bedtime story reading (Steam Train, Dream Train) and singing (I'd Like to Live on the Moon). But I have to admit, I was fuming for quite a bit. I still might be.

     

     I love my children and I wouldn't trade parenthood for anything, but that doesn't mean it's not exhausting. Just like anything in life I guess, if it isn't one thing, it's another? 

     When Lucas steals my phone and takes pictures of me, I can see that do I have a ton of fun with my family. It almost looks easy! But that's the view from the outside. From the inside, I'm constantly in doubt that I am somehow screwing them up. Every parent feels that way, don't they? That's how you know you're doing it right- you want to be better. Or is that just what we tell ourselves?