Day 51

     I've been struggling recently. On the bright side, Ben is now crawling, pulling to standing and getting into everything (I can't say enough good stuff about the Early Intervention Program!). But along with those new developments, my entire life now revolves around chasing after kids. Yes, this is what I signed up for and no, I wouldn't give it up for anything- but that doesn't mean I enjoy every single moment. I had an epiphany about this at the pool today- I've lost myself again.

     We spent the day at the pool and enjoyed the beautiful weather and water. And I also compared myself to all the other women at the wading pool. I was in the land of the beautiful people. The pregnant women were wearing bikinis and showed no visible stretch marks. The moms of 3 or 4 were in fabulous shape. I mean kudos to them- but wow, trying to find an average looking woman was nearly impossible. They all socialized with each other, laughing and enjoying themselves while I stood paralyzed on the outside thinking "I will never fit in".  I don't know what it was- the anxiety of wearing a bathing suit in public, not knowing anyone- I just felt that I must look so out of place. Then Jim took this picture.

Ben and his Bathing Beauty Mommy

     I'm slightly ashamed to admit that my first thought was "The camera must be taking weird pictures because I do not look like that". Upon examining all the pictures he took, it turns out that I do indeed look like this. Wow- Go me!!! No, I don't have six pack abs, and wearing a string bikini to chase my kids around will NEVER be an option, but I don't look half bad at all! Mom or not, I am owning my body right there.
     So now that the looking-like-I-fit-in part is out of the way, I need to get down to the real issue. Why have I lost my sense of self worth beyond my role as a mother? I've become so wrapped up in the boys (again) that I've forgotten to take care of myself (again) and that is now affecting my ability (again) to be the mom, wife and fried I want to be. Do I have an easy answer to what will fix this? No. But, I am going to work on it. Starting this week I am arranging a date night with Jim and I am setting aside time to blog more consistently again- seriously! I'm also going to revisit some of my previous posts and take suggestions I gave myself earlier. This reminds me of the song "Very Good Advice" from Alice In Wonderland-

          I give myself very good advice

          But a very seldom follow it

          That explains the trouble that I'm always in 

     

     Time to start listening to myself. I have some really great things to say.