Day 78

     I had it in my mind that nursing this time around would be a breeze. Even if she was a preemie, my daughter would latch on and nurse like a champ from the first time. There would be no visits to the doctor for the dreaded weight checks, no need to supplement and no frantic phone calls to a lactation consultant.

     Well, I was very wrong.

So this is part of the reason I've been stuck in my house since returning home. 

     I know I set myself up with unrealistic expectations this time around. Mostly I wanted to believe that something about this process would be easy. I anticipated that there would be a learning curve as Caroline and I began our nursing relationship, but I did not anticipate the low supply due to a variety of health factors on my part and the sleepiness and immaturity on the part of my daughter. As a late preterm infant, Caroline still has not developed to the point of a full term and it's glaringly obvious when I compare her (I know I shouldn't!) to other babies. Her due date is next Friday and I can only wonder what our lives would look like if we had made it that far.
     For one, maybe I wouldn't be using this ridiculous looking, although helpful, contraption- a Supplemental Nursing System (SNS). Basically it is used with either breast milk or formula to supplement what she is getting at the breast. Caroline's prematurity came with under developed muscles that make her sucking inefficient and cause her to tire quickly. The additional nutrition should help her to gain weight and be more effective with her latch as she grows. However, this might be one of the most awkward things I have ever used. And I  have to pump. And I'm exhausted. And stressed. And feeling like a failure again because I didn't keep her in to full term.
     I know some of you mothers who are reading this may be thinking back to previous conversations you have had with me where I spoke with you about the difficulties of deciding how to feed your baby. I'm always the first person to say "do what you need to do to keep sane" or "the most important thing is to make sure you feed your baby". I stand by those statements and every other conversation I've had. For me personally however, I need to nurse. Maybe it's my way of controlling something about this situation. While I couldn't control the pregnancies or deliveries of my children, I could still make sure I breastfed. For some reason, I have hung onto this since Lucas was born and it stays with me today.

     The picture I shared above shows me after the lactation consultant left my house this afternoon. I was feeling positive. Caroline has gained another 1.5 ounces, although she is still not back to her delivery weight. By the end of the day, I was in tears. In fact, as I write this I'm still crying- I think there is some exhaustion playing a role right now. Clearly we are going in the right direction. Clearly I am devoted to making sure my daughter is healthy. Clearly I need to give myself some credit.

     Thank you for allowing me to share my stories of womanhood/motherhood. I'm so lucky to be surrounded by a such a supportive community. The phone calls, messages, emails and comments all mean so much to me and encourage the honesty in my writing. Now that I am the mother to a little girl, I find it all the more important to work to discover the beauty in that honesty and to take a "body positive" approach to life.