I felt nothing. I struggled to talk to my own children. I could barely make eye contact with my husband. I knew I needed to see my doctor.
I haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth & hair, but I'm going to be OK.
I got into the car last Monday morning with my daughter dressed and in a clean diaper. She was strapped into her carseat, which was safely in place. I had clothes on. We both had eaten breakfast. My car had gas and I was stable enough to drive. On difficult days, these are successes that I need to celebrate.
I got to my doctor's office and I had a very strong feeling of nostalgia. What an awful thing to feel nostalgic about- longing for the days when I was struggling with only one child. Now I have three to wrangle and hopefully not scar for life. I don't want them to remember their mother crying on the kitchen floor, unable to articulate what made her so sad.
I talked through the things I was feeling and we made a game plan for changes to make to my routine so I could find time to care for myself. I think that's one of the biggest changes in me since becoming a mother. I no longer give myself permission to be cared for. I focus on the needs of others and it leaves me drained just like that bathtub. I need to find ways to fill myself again with purpose and energy.
I'm working on scheduling time for writing, showers, exercise, coffee with friends and other activities that make me feel alive. I will not lose myself this time.
Beth, I have been in that place! When E was 10 months, I knew I had to wean and get on meds...it was the day when at the washing machine I had an urge to scream at and hit them for being little ones. Some part of me knew I was not going to raise the kids like that, that I had to intervene with myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm so appreciative that you have the courage to put your experience out there. It helps so many who suffer in silence and shame.