Day 5.2

One year ago I wrote an entry where I bared my very recently pregnant and scarred belly. I thought this could be an honest moment with myself and with other mothers out there who struggle with their bodies.

March 22, 2016

March 22, 2017

     So right off the bat, we need to acknowledge the most obvious thing in this picture. The baby is sleeping in her crib in the most recent photo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

     But seriously, I'm having lots of feelings as I look at both of these photos. The difference a year makes. The difference 25 lbs makes. The difference a frame of mind can make. 

     When I took the photo two weeks after giving birth, I had a real feeling of accomplishment. I knew the hard work my body had gone through to produce Caroline. I had pride in my "tiger stripes" and quite frankly, I was too exhausted to feel anymore than that. Throughout the year I have had ups and downs in regards to the feelings about my body. Recovery has been a slower process than in the past. But what should I expect? This was my third birth and I therefore have three kids to tend to. I don't get to the gym as frequently as I'd like, I often eat food off of my kid's plates, and there was that unfortunate incident where I ate about a quarter of sheet cake from Caroline's christening when I was in the middle of some big depression stuff. 

     I'm not where I wanted to be physically, but that's ok. Sometimes things don't go the way we plan. I rejoined Weight Watchers after the new year because I knew it would work for me. I also found an online support group where we encourage one another through the times we lose our willpower and when we hit our milestones. I've found a few 5k races that I'm planning to run. I even got rid of all my large workout clothes and bought myself some quality clothing in a medium to celebrate the 15 lbs lost since the new year. 

     Yesterday Lucas gave me a hug and pushed on my belly. He said "oh, squishy!" I had to pause and really think about how I was going to respond. I don't want to share my bad habits of self-critique with the kids. I looked at my soft, round middle and then at him and said "Yes, it is. Do you know why?" He responded that it was because I grew my babies in my belly and it stretched out. I told him yes, and that I loved the squishiness because it reminds me of how I carried the three of them within me for (almost) 9 months. And for the first time in my life, I wasn't lying about loving my body.