Day 66

It's been a week since I dropped the "bombshell" news that our family is expanding.

Me and my kids

     I struggled from the moment that I knew I was pregnant with when to share the news. Having gone through this before, my body went right to work expanding my waistline, despite my inability to keep anything down- isn't nature amazing? I'm sure I perceive my body changes much more than those around me, but my physical state seems so obvious, especially due to the morning all-day sickness. How could anyone see my constant gagging as anything other than pregnancy?

     My previous pregnancies also make me terrified. Every time someone announces their pregnancy in the first trimester, my heart jumps for them. I hate my instincts to keep the news to myself, to wait until that magical 12 week mark. Even seeing the tiny baby in my belly at 7 weeks with a strong heartbeat and hearing that heartbeat at 9 weeks still didn't convince me that I should publicly announce our family's news.

     Then, I had a serious car accident on the way to work.

     I never felt as strong as I did the moment I realized my car was about to slam into another and there was nothing I could do to avoid it. I knew there was NO way I would let my child get hurt. The strength I used to prevent myself from flying forward and into the seatbelt felt super-human (and resulted in serious pain during the days after the accident). It felt like hours before the ambulance came. The drive to the hospital was never-ending. The wait for the ultrasound was unbearable. The relief and love I felt when I saw my baby moving around on the screen- indescribable.

     The moms I met through my pregnancy loss support group have a mantra we use during pregnancy- Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. It may seem obvious to others, but to women who have experienced loss, loving the developing baby can be difficult. To be honest, I've had a sense of detachment during my pregnancies- all of them. I didn't want to love something that might not stay. That is until now. I cried when I saw my little one squirming around. I cried so hard, it shocked me. This baby is AMAZING!

     I had to share the news because I'm growing a life. I can't hide the joy I feel that we have been blessed with another child. I am just reaching the end of the first trimester and I will go for my first screening tomorrow. I could have waited a week to "be safe" and announce the news after I received the green light from the doctor. However, today I am pregnant and I love my baby, and NOTHING will change that!

Day 65

     Today I shut off my brain, turned on my music and set out for a run. It went far better than I could have ever anticipated.

The sweat mark left by my butt on the front porch was also pretty impressive

     I haven't had an outdoor run like this in at least two years. It felt so good, despite the heat. Maybe it was because of the heat? Something about this morning just felt free. I didn't watch the clock, I didn't track the milage. I listened to music, smiled at the people I ran past and just enjoyed the fact that my body was capable of doing this. 

     At one point I ran by a young lady who was in a pair of running shorts and a sports bra. My immediate reaction was to try to suck in my stomach, which was dumb for a multitude of reasons. First of all, despite my 15+ miles a week this summer, I can't seem to whittle my middle down like in previous summers- I guess year 35 came with permanent bloat that can't be sucked in. Second, this woman was on her own mission and surely was not checking out my abs. Third- WTF Beth?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU RAN OVER 7 MILES AT AN 11:30 PACE IN CRAZY SUMMER HEAT!!!!!!! I am a rockstar!!!

     Focus on the positive- my legs and my stamina positively kicked ass today and I am so proud of myself! 

     

Day 64

     Now that I am on vacation, the house WILL be clean.

     I spent the past few days relaxing and basically living like a slug. I'm over it now and I've begun the cleaning, purging and organizing. First stop, the boys' room.

 Looks so clean from the doorway

Up close, you can't hide the stains

     It seems that no matter how much I clean, there is always something that I just have to deal with. I've used every spray possible, but the perfect, personalized PBK duvet is a casualty of a midnight bloody nose. Actually- lots of items in our home are casualties of the bloody nose phase. What made me think we could have nice things? 

     I have decided to work on focusing on the bigger picture.  I've been caught up in details recently that have me seeing the negative- an attitude I want to change. So what? There are a few stains, scratches and dents. The room is organized, the trains and cars are put away, and the random legos won't cause anyone (mom) to fall.  

     For now I'm going to enjoy this clean room because once the boys get home, the blood stain will be the least of my concerns! 

Day 63

     I don't like food blogs. Well, I think it's just the presentation- the eight hundred pictures of the same piece of food, the piece of food I just want the recipe for. I don't need the all the pictures (says the woman who has a blog about pictures) and I don't need all the cute little phrases.

Chocolate.
<insert picture of chocolate>
Seriously, friends-CHOCOLATE.
<insert another picture of chocolate>
<insert close-up picture of chocolate>
Is there anything better than chocolate?
<insert picture of 12 kinds of chocolate>
I think not.
<insert picture of baby covered in chocolate>
Ok, maybe this.


     I really don't want to complain about something so petty, but it frustrated the heck out of me tonight when I had to keep scrolling and scrolling past the crap to get to a recipe for these.

Totally worth all the scrolling

     It's silly for me to complain about what comes down to a minute of wasted time. How often do I waste time playing stupid bubble pop games or watching dumb tv? But beyond that- how often do I waste opportunities? There have been so many times that I didn't try out for a show or apply for a program because it just seemed easier than putting myself out there. I have been afraid of failure. I need to step out of my comfort zone.
     I took a chance on these cookie bars and they are pretty fantastic. I think I need to start taking chances on myself.

   

Day 62

     First weekend of my summer break is almost complete. Against my better judgement, I served the boys s'mores this evening after dinner. What followed was a chocolate disaster of epic proportions. This photo does not do justice to Ben's work.

When a chocolate covered Ben wants to give a kiss, you accept

     With each passing day it becomes clearer to me (and anyone who comes to our home) that these kids have taken over. The legos and matchbox cars are multiplying while we sleep. The bathrooms smell like pee and I can't figure out why. I've heard the same joke about poop 50 times this weekend. The best part? I laugh at that joke every single time.
     I've given in to all of it- the dirt, the gross humor, the rough-housing. I'll take the sloppy kisses, especially the chocolate ones, and relish these moments because they will be gone before I know it. After a day filled with cars, trains, wrestling, and messes, it ends with my almost five-year-old throwing his arms around my neck and holding me close.

I was definitely unprepared for the amount of love I feel for these boys.
     

Day 61

I'm through with "luck". 

This may be a bit vague, but I don't have time to expand my thoughts right now- it's the end of the school year and there are concerts, grades, evaluations and graduations. I have been thinking a lot about decisions and how we have a say in our lives. Things don't happen to us because of good luck or bad luck. We make a series of decisions and choices everyday that lead us to where we are. 

It is empowering to realize this because even if you feel your life is out of control or that you have no say in your present circumstance, you actually do. There is a whole lot of beauty in that acceptance of your role in whatever situation you find yourself in- good, bad or confusing. 

Day 60

And sometimes the universe hears your cry and you get a gift like this.

Music makes me feel happy. It makes me feel jazzy and lets me express who I am. I dance and sing like nobody is watching! Sometimes when the music is too loud, it hurts my ears. Music is my passion. I sing everywhere. Music doesn't make me feel so lonely anymore. I am a lonely girl, but when I hear music, it doesn't make me feel so alone. I really hope to be a famous singer someday!

After such a self absorbed post like yesterday's, I got my sense knocked into me. This was an assignment a fourth grade class had completed during my absence a few weeks ago that I just got around to grading. Could it have been more perfectly timed? I know I won't make a difference in every life and I need to lay off that expectation. I know I put more pressure on myself than necessary, but realizing that my class makes this very special girl's week just a little bit brighter reminds me why I care so much.