Day 66

It's been a week since I dropped the "bombshell" news that our family is expanding.

Me and my kids

     I struggled from the moment that I knew I was pregnant with when to share the news. Having gone through this before, my body went right to work expanding my waistline, despite my inability to keep anything down- isn't nature amazing? I'm sure I perceive my body changes much more than those around me, but my physical state seems so obvious, especially due to the morning all-day sickness. How could anyone see my constant gagging as anything other than pregnancy?

     My previous pregnancies also make me terrified. Every time someone announces their pregnancy in the first trimester, my heart jumps for them. I hate my instincts to keep the news to myself, to wait until that magical 12 week mark. Even seeing the tiny baby in my belly at 7 weeks with a strong heartbeat and hearing that heartbeat at 9 weeks still didn't convince me that I should publicly announce our family's news.

     Then, I had a serious car accident on the way to work.

     I never felt as strong as I did the moment I realized my car was about to slam into another and there was nothing I could do to avoid it. I knew there was NO way I would let my child get hurt. The strength I used to prevent myself from flying forward and into the seatbelt felt super-human (and resulted in serious pain during the days after the accident). It felt like hours before the ambulance came. The drive to the hospital was never-ending. The wait for the ultrasound was unbearable. The relief and love I felt when I saw my baby moving around on the screen- indescribable.

     The moms I met through my pregnancy loss support group have a mantra we use during pregnancy- Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. It may seem obvious to others, but to women who have experienced loss, loving the developing baby can be difficult. To be honest, I've had a sense of detachment during my pregnancies- all of them. I didn't want to love something that might not stay. That is until now. I cried when I saw my little one squirming around. I cried so hard, it shocked me. This baby is AMAZING!

     I had to share the news because I'm growing a life. I can't hide the joy I feel that we have been blessed with another child. I am just reaching the end of the first trimester and I will go for my first screening tomorrow. I could have waited a week to "be safe" and announce the news after I received the green light from the doctor. However, today I am pregnant and I love my baby, and NOTHING will change that!