Day 52

     I was true to my word. Jim and I had a "date" tonight!

A shared glass of Trader Joe's finest $4.49 Malbec

     Last night we decided that after the kids went to bed, we would sit up and talk- no TV, no phones, no laptops. Honestly I wasn't sure that we would follow through, but we did and I am so happy! I must confess we broke out the phones once we started discussing our upcoming shore house vacation, but other than that, we followed through. For an hour we did not talk about kids, do dishes or laundry, complain-we had a conversation like we used to! I even dimmed the lights for ambiance...and to hide the mess left by a day of playing with Ben, but let's focus on the ambiance ;-)

     I could sit here and bemoan the fact that we had a limited time, that there are chores now left to tackle tomorrow or that Jim has gone to bed without me so I could stay up write this post, but instead I will smile knowing that we had an enjoyable night. This was definitely a step in the right direction! 

Day 51

     I've been struggling recently. On the bright side, Ben is now crawling, pulling to standing and getting into everything (I can't say enough good stuff about the Early Intervention Program!). But along with those new developments, my entire life now revolves around chasing after kids. Yes, this is what I signed up for and no, I wouldn't give it up for anything- but that doesn't mean I enjoy every single moment. I had an epiphany about this at the pool today- I've lost myself again.

     We spent the day at the pool and enjoyed the beautiful weather and water. And I also compared myself to all the other women at the wading pool. I was in the land of the beautiful people. The pregnant women were wearing bikinis and showed no visible stretch marks. The moms of 3 or 4 were in fabulous shape. I mean kudos to them- but wow, trying to find an average looking woman was nearly impossible. They all socialized with each other, laughing and enjoying themselves while I stood paralyzed on the outside thinking "I will never fit in".  I don't know what it was- the anxiety of wearing a bathing suit in public, not knowing anyone- I just felt that I must look so out of place. Then Jim took this picture.

Ben and his Bathing Beauty Mommy

     I'm slightly ashamed to admit that my first thought was "The camera must be taking weird pictures because I do not look like that". Upon examining all the pictures he took, it turns out that I do indeed look like this. Wow- Go me!!! No, I don't have six pack abs, and wearing a string bikini to chase my kids around will NEVER be an option, but I don't look half bad at all! Mom or not, I am owning my body right there.
     So now that the looking-like-I-fit-in part is out of the way, I need to get down to the real issue. Why have I lost my sense of self worth beyond my role as a mother? I've become so wrapped up in the boys (again) that I've forgotten to take care of myself (again) and that is now affecting my ability (again) to be the mom, wife and fried I want to be. Do I have an easy answer to what will fix this? No. But, I am going to work on it. Starting this week I am arranging a date night with Jim and I am setting aside time to blog more consistently again- seriously! I'm also going to revisit some of my previous posts and take suggestions I gave myself earlier. This reminds me of the song "Very Good Advice" from Alice In Wonderland-

          I give myself very good advice

          But a very seldom follow it

          That explains the trouble that I'm always in 

     

     Time to start listening to myself. I have some really great things to say.

Day 50

     One of my favorite lines from "Beauty and the Beast" is when Belle says to her father, "Papa, do you think I'm odd?"

#tbt to "Beauty and the Beast"- a little bit of both here.

     I never got to play the role of Belle (and pretty sure I'm way too old at this point!), but this is a question I've often pondered. Am I odd? I can be extremely socially awkward and motherhood has made me worse. There are times I have conversations that I don't quite remember because I'm thinking about some errand I forgot to run or am exhausted from another sleepless night.  There have also been times when I stick my foot in my mouth or say something completely awkward. Maybe that's what happens when you spend your days babbling with a infant and negotiating/diffusing tantrums with a toddler. I find that my interactions with adults are rare and I'm not doing well when I have them. Could it be that my life feels so mundane that I'm now incapable of having an intelligent conversation? Is it that I have so much to say that once I start talking, I can't stop and I don't formulate a coherent thought?
     Many years ago I played the role of the singing dresser, Madame de la Grande Bouche (translation- Missus of the Big Mouth). I had a fantastic time getting back on the stage after a few years off, but I didn't get to socialize much. I had to spend much of the production sitting inside a large box on stage, waiting to pop up and sing/say my lines. In a lot of ways it feels like I'm waiting around to sing/say my lines now, only they aren't written out for me and I keep messing them up. I get out, talk to people, go back to my house/box and smack myself in the head for being weird. I honestly worry that when the boys go to school I'm going to be the odd mom who doesn't quite fit in.
     I guess the only thing I can do is keep popping out of the box and trying. Sooner or later I'll figure it out, right?

Day 49

     I must apologize for the delay in posting. It's been a very hectic few weeks around here- more to come on that later but for now, I share another #tbt photo.

      Recently I've been thinking about the way I portray myself on social media. There have been quite a few instances of teachers being reprimanded or disciplined because of Facebook pages or other social media presences. I thought back to our wedding day when one of my lovely sixth grade students who sang at the ceremony (and is probably reading this entry) told her father that she saw two things at the wedding she never expected to see in her life- Ms. D kissing a boy and drinking alcohol. In other news, I'm glad Facebook didn't exist when I was in college...
     Personally, I don't have an issue with anyone seeing a picture of me with alcohol. I am over 21, I don't drink and drive, and I'm a responsible adult- who happens to like beer and wine. As far as kissing anyone (Did I mention how happy I am that Facebook wasn't around during college?), I am happily married! Why should I be afraid of anyone finding this blog or seeing photos that I have been tagged in. This is me. I don't hide who I am and quite frankly, I think it's awesome that I have been so honest with my struggles through this blog. I may have felt much better about myself growing up if I realized that others felt the same way as me.
     So, here you go world- this is me kissing my husband and drinking champagne. It's not the first time, nor will it be the last. Well, I guess technically speaking, this is the first time I kissed my husband and drank champagne, but you know what I mean!
   

Day 48

     I think I may be having a professional/career crisis of sorts. I need to take a step back and what better day to do that than #tbt

My second year of teaching- amazing that they hired a 16 year old, right?

     Let's be honest, education isn't exactly the most enjoyable of careers at this moment. I will refrain from getting too political as I haven't been in my classroom during this tumultuous transition, yet I hope to get back to it in the fall- so no jeopardizing myself with rants! If you know me, you probably know where I stand and if you don't know me, that previous comment probably gave it away. In all honesty, I just want to teach. I think that's what we all want. We want to help our students to achieve their greatest potential in whatever it is that they are passionate about. Personally, I want to open their minds to the music, art and culture that surrounds us and makes us human. Constantly barraging our students with standardized testing will not accomplish this. But, I digress...

     I feel stuck. 

     There was a point in my life when I wanted nothing more than to be on stage, performing for whoever would listen. I loved to sing, dance and act and I was happiest when before an audience. About the time I was preparing to graduate college, my self esteem and belief in my ability to perform had taken quite a blow. I was looking at graduate schools and opportunities for continuing to perform and I had an epiphany. I wasn't prepared to pursue performance at the expense of a potential future relationship and family. It was a tough decision to come to at age 22, but I knew it was right. I felt it wouldn't be an appropriate investment of time, money or my sanity to spend my life auditioning. I wasn't emotionally capable of facing constant rejection. And, I had just begun my student teaching and it turned out that I actually loved working with students! 

     Upon graduating, finding a job turned out to be more difficult than getting into undergrad! I spent 9 months sending out resumes and going on interviews that led nowhere. I was told I would be an excellent teacher one day, but I needed experience (how ironic that experience completely shuts you out of contention for teaching jobs now...). 

      I did finally find a job and I've been there since 2003. I am pretty sure that I have the world's greatest coworkers and students. Seriously. These are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I'm pretty sure I've taught a future president, a Grammy winner, an ambassador- I could go on with the skills and talents they all possess! 

     However, I feel like we've come a point where I wonder if there will be a place for me in education 10 years from now. What are we teaching our children? What standards are we holding them and ourselves to? If our main goal is to prepare them for college starting at the tender age of five, what sort of educational experience will they have? I want an education for our children that is filled with imagination, creativity, passion for learning and JOY! 

     In 2005, I had that in my classroom with the two students pictured above. They are now rising college seniors and I have no doubt that the both of them will go on to do great things. Back then I was able to teach music- for the sake of music- but I was also able to enrich studies outside of the music classroom. I don't know what the future holds, but knowing the generation that will soon be graduating had a chance to learn with joy gives me hope that they can be a positive influence in our society and in education.  

     

     Sorry for the preachy and probably confusing ramblings tonight. I think I'm frustrated and not sure where I see myself fitting in, given my educational philosophy. One thing I am sure of is that I am grateful for my students- every single one of them- and I hope they know that. 

Day 47

     Tonight we lit a candle and sang happy birthday to my mother-in-law. Lucas requested a cake with "Happy Birthday Grandma" written on it, but settled for a dance party and song.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

     Jim made a comment after we finished the celebration that if someone had told him five years ago that this was how we would celebrate Mom's birthday, he wouldn't know how to respond. I get that. Here we are with our two beautiful children celebrating a beautiful woman, but she is not physically here with us. I miss her.
     I want to write about Mom, but a large part of me wants to keep my memories, thoughts and feelings to myself. Like any mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, ours had it's rocky moments and only in becoming a mother myself was I able to understand the reasons we had our struggles.
     I want to thank her for raising my husband to be the man he is today. I want to apologize to her for being such a self-centered brat when we were planning the wedding. I want to have coffee with her and talk about raising boys. I want to go shopping together for house decor and clothes for the kids. I want to cook Sunday dinner with her. I want to cry with her on the days I feel that I just can't do this. I want to argue with her about spoiling the kids. I want to look through baby pictures with her and hear stories about how my husband and his brother were like Ben and Lucas. I want to tell her how much she inspired me to be the mother I strive to be.
     So many "wants", but they simply cannot happen- not in the way I need them. I talk to her during late night nursing sessions and car rides or walks with children. I can imagine our conversation and I can hear her voice in my head, but she's not there. And sometimes it just hurts- All the beauty in the life Jim and I have built together and we cannot share it with his parents in a typical way. However, it is beautiful that we have found ways to honor and include mom and dad in our family so that our children know them.
   
     I don't know how to end this post. I can't seem to express what I am feeling right now, which is a profound sense of sadness in the fact that she is gone. Time doesn't make loss easier, just different. And tonight, singing "Happy Birthday" with her son and two grandsons hurt my heart, because she should be here.
   
   

Day 46

     When you ask a three and a half year old how many miles he can walk and he responds with "Five", don't believe him.

This may be my favorite picture so far.

     Lucas was getting a little antsy this afternoon so I asked him if he wanted to take a walk with me to get flowers for my mother. We had a lovely brunch on the patio and now we were trying to get ready for my parents and sister to visit and Lucas was in need of some attention. Actually, he's been in need of attention a lot recently and has resorted to hitting and biting to get it, but that's another story for another day. 

     I planned on taking the jogging stroller, but Lucas was insistent that we walk together. He was so sweet about it that I gave in, although I knew in my gut that I was probably going to have to carry him on the way back. 

     Two houses away from ours and he asked me to pick him up. I figured it was because we were walking on the part of the road that doesn't have sidewalks and he may have been a little scared. 

     I was wrong. 

     I carried him most of the way to the flower store, a little over a mile down the road from our house. We passed lots of families out for their Mother's Day celebrations. Our town seems to have a never-ending supply of wealthy and well-dressed families and my Target gym clothes and sweat weren't really fitting in. I can't lie- I sort of envied those women with their Lilly Pulitzer dresses and children who would walk on their own two feet. 

     We made it to the flower shop and picked out a bouquet for Nana. While we were waiting (did I mention I still had to hold him while we were in the store?) Lucas said, "Mommy, I have to tell you a secret". I leaned in and he took my face in his hands and whispered "I love you". I think my heart is still in a puddle in front of the cash register. 

     After we purchased the flowers, we began to make our way home. About two blocks in, I could feel his body turn to dead weight and by the third block, he was out. I struggled something awful for about half a mile before I called my husband to ask him to get us. He didn't pick up the phone so I left a quick message and told him if he could come out, I'd really appreciate it.

     As I carried the flowers and a 35lb child, I wondered, do people who pass by think I need help? Is anyone going to pull over to ask me if I'm OK? I probably look ridiculous. Thankfully, Jim got the message, strapped Ben into the car seat and came to get us. Knowing a good photo opportunity when he sees one, he snapped this picture as I was about to put Lucas into the car seat. No wonder no one stopped to ask if I needed help. I look like a very capable and experienced mother who can handle any situation. 

     I am so proud of this picture! When I envisioned myself as a mother, I always knew that I wouldn't be the mom in the Lilly Pulitzer dress- that's just not me. I am the mother of two young boys and playing outside, getting covered in dirt, and general rambunctiousness is my life. Maybe one day we will all dress up and have a nice afternoon out, but for now, the dirt, messes, sweaty hugs and sloppy kisses are all I need.  

     

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there- those that are here, those that are gone, those to-be and those who wish to-be.