Day 10.2

     Another #nationalselfieday and a great day to get out my thoughts about technology and raising kids.
 
      Here's a picture of me documenting our hospital stay on Monday.

I love this kid so much

     So my second born has had a rough few weeks medically. We found out he contracted Lyme disease about six weeks ago. Although he's been treated with the standard three week course of antibiotics, any parent who has experienced this will agree, we have been rocked by the diagnoses. Symptoms vary and can last from a few weeks to six or more months. There could be long term effects, but we will just have to wait and see. Many recover completely and we are hopeful that we will be in that category. In the meantime, any fever, aches, pains, swelling, mood swings and illnesses send me into a panic.
     On Monday we awoke to a vomiting and lethargic child who couldn't string together a sentence in response to my questions. To the ER we went to find that our little guy was quite ill and very dehydrated. Due to the Lyme disease, there was some concern that we may be looking at meningitis, although that was unlikely. We were kept in the ER for testing and then transferred to pediatrics. He was so brave through the blood work, X-rays, IV placement, and general poking and prodding during examinations. We sang songs, read books, played with cards, built stuff with legos, raced matchbox cars, made up stories, and snuggled a lot. It was the most one on one time we had shared together in years, and although it was scary, it was also a very special experience.
     During the night time, he insisted that I sleep in the hospital bed with him. Also, he snores like an old man. I couldn't sleep, so I spent some time scrolling through Facebook and Twitter. I came across a few postings and discussions about technology and children. There are the standard "Dear Mom" ones, where someone addresses a random mother to either encourage or chide her for parenting choices. There are also the various Today Show posts about mom shaming and the like. I didn't sleep much that night- mostly because of the snoring, but also because of some intense reflection on parenting.

     The following morning found my little guy much improved, although completely wiped out. Further blood tests suggested this was a nasty virus and unrelated to Lyme disease. Relieved, I put on Disney Jr. to entertain Ben and sat down to send some follow up texts and emails. One of the hospital chaplains knocked on the door and I sprung up, tossing my phone aside and quickly went into defense about why the TV was on and why I was using the phone. I didn't want him walking out of the room thinking he needed to pray for Ben and his negligent mother. I also didn't want him going home to write a "Dear Terrible Mom in the hospital who was ignoring her child" posting.
     I wanted him to know I had spent the past 30+ hours with a very sick kid and was at the end of the my rope. I wanted him to know I had two other kids at home who my husband and I were arranging care for. I wanted him to know that I try so hard 24/7, but there are moments that I just need to stop.

     So many of these posting and articles claim that they are not shaming or judging, but the truth is they are. If you would not say the words that you post online to another person, why type them out? Both the good and the bad. If you don't tell a random parent you encounter that they are doing a great job despite being in the thick of it, why write an anonymous positing doing so? Open your mouth and say something- it would make their day! If you wouldn't approach that same random parent if they handed their child an iPad, don't go on Facebook to complain about how parents these days rely on technology to raise their children. Offer some time to help a family you know- I don't know anyone who couldn't use a little more support.
     None of us are our best selves all of the time. In a 24 hour day, I'm probably a pretty good person for a solid 3 hours. I might have half an hour when I'm a superstar. The rest of the time, I'm either struggling to get by or trying to sleep. I'm tired of the click bait out there that reminds me there are others who think I'm an awful parent. From now on, I focus on the opinions that matter- those of my husband and three kids.
   
     Ben thinks selfies in a hospital bed that move up and down are pretty amazing, and so do I!

Day 9.2

     My son came home with this gem of a time waster filler today. 

It took me way too long to figure out "eltneg"

     Let me start out by saying that I am in no way passing any judgment on the teacher for having them do a word search. It's May- kids are out of control during the last few weeks of school. Sometimes you just have to hand them a word search or seven and let them be. Been there, done that (more times than I'd like to admit).

     What caught my attention was the words the kids were asked to search for- "cooking", "gentle", "patient", "sweet"…

    

      Where are "exhausted", "takeout", "wine", and "sobbing in a locked bathroom"? Ok, maybe that last one is a little much, but you get what I'm saying right? 

     Tonight I offered my kids mac and cheese for the third night in a row, but we mixed it up and did grilled cheese instead- i guess that counts as cooking? We stood by and let the kids wrestle in the bathtub until the floor was sopping wet- that's totally patient! 

     These past few weeks have been so hard. I don't know where to begin, and I'm not even sure I remember all the reasons why. We are in the thick of some wild times with these kids and I've about lost it. 

     Today in the middle of my therapy session, I burst into tears. My daughter, who had been crawling all over me, first wiped them away, laughed at me and then tried to nurse. That really sums up life right now. I know my kids aren't really trying to break me, (they can't help but be normal 6, 3, and 1 year olds), but they sort of are. 

     I talked about how I feel like a bad mother because I am not giving each kid all the attention they need. Now I don't mean that I focus on them each 100%- I'm talking about insisting on chores, following through with punishments, brushing teeth on a regular basis- I'm falling behind with all of these things. I try to give them autonomy and the tools to take on some independence, but it's so hard when I could really make the bed so much quicker! 

     When I get rid of my snarky attitude and look at the list of words, I see that they are so important to me as a mother not only for the way I deal with my children, but also in how I deal with myself. I really haven't been gentle or nice to me- and I definitely haven't been patient. 

     I am going to work on this.

     But don't expect any changes on the cooking front. 

 

Day 8.2

     All I need is to be holding an ice cream cone in one hand and I could be the "before picture" for a Jenny Craig ad.

It's ok, we can acknowledge the truth here.

     When I asked my husband to snap this photo of Ben driving me (and 4 of his favorite matchbox cars) around in a playground tractor, I was feeling good. I had on my new Athleta leggings, I'd been doing well with eating and exercise and I had been actively playing with my kids who were having a great time on our first day of spring break. Swiping through my photos on the car ride home, I was horrified to see the shapeless blob splayed out on the tractor.

     

     I'm a work in progress. Whether we are talking about my health, my family, my career- I'm constantly trying to be better. In this moment of fun with my son, I'm not concerned with poor posture or ill-fitting sports bras. I'm concerned with looking out for imaginary animals on an imaginary farm. I've spent a lot of time with running, Pilates and meal planning. This was the time for quality interaction with my son.  

     And yes, that is my daughter in the unattended stroller…like I said, I'm a work in progress. 

   

Day 7.2

     I wish she could just tell me what's wrong.*

Seems we picked a bad time to start weening.

     It's been days of a virus, with no end in sight. Nothing is making her happy and no one is sleeping that well. I know I will look back fondly on weeks like this when our most difficult moments were navigating through new teeth, fevers, stomach viruses and pinkeye. But in the middle of it all, these times are hard.
     And my hygiene is gross. Thank goodness for headbands that can cover the disaster that is my unwashed hair!

     *Turns out it was a double ear infection, which we discovered at a midnight trip to the ER.

   

Day 6.2

     We've reached the point where I have completely given up and just let the baby eat the Cheerios of the floor.

Clearly a third child

      I'd say I'm embarrassed, but truthfully, I'm not. This is the kid who clung to the 1st percentile in weight for months, falling off the charts more than a few times. She enjoys her food now and if the only way for me to make dinner is to give her a cup of Cheerios, which she promptly dumps on the floor, so be it. 

     The mobility of the baby has completely disrupted life. I used to be able to contain her to a room and distract her with toys and songs. Now there is a big, wide world out there for her to explore and unfortunately our home doesn't really work with gates. So I follow her around to keep her from climbing up the stairs, grabbing a bottle of wine, crawling out an open door and eating every piece of fuzz she can find. All the while, she turns back to make sure I'm watching and gives me the biggest grin. My heart soars every time. 

     Honestly, I had hoped she might be a quiet child who would stay in one place and calmly keep herself amused, so that I could continue to run a household. Thankfully, Caroline didn't get the memo and is growing into quite a feisty little girl! 

     She challenges me each day in ways the boys never did. I'm so grateful she's here. 

     

     On another note, I can finally see my feet again. 

Day 5.2

One year ago I wrote an entry where I bared my very recently pregnant and scarred belly. I thought this could be an honest moment with myself and with other mothers out there who struggle with their bodies.

March 22, 2016

March 22, 2017

     So right off the bat, we need to acknowledge the most obvious thing in this picture. The baby is sleeping in her crib in the most recent photo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

     But seriously, I'm having lots of feelings as I look at both of these photos. The difference a year makes. The difference 25 lbs makes. The difference a frame of mind can make. 

     When I took the photo two weeks after giving birth, I had a real feeling of accomplishment. I knew the hard work my body had gone through to produce Caroline. I had pride in my "tiger stripes" and quite frankly, I was too exhausted to feel anymore than that. Throughout the year I have had ups and downs in regards to the feelings about my body. Recovery has been a slower process than in the past. But what should I expect? This was my third birth and I therefore have three kids to tend to. I don't get to the gym as frequently as I'd like, I often eat food off of my kid's plates, and there was that unfortunate incident where I ate about a quarter of sheet cake from Caroline's christening when I was in the middle of some big depression stuff. 

     I'm not where I wanted to be physically, but that's ok. Sometimes things don't go the way we plan. I rejoined Weight Watchers after the new year because I knew it would work for me. I also found an online support group where we encourage one another through the times we lose our willpower and when we hit our milestones. I've found a few 5k races that I'm planning to run. I even got rid of all my large workout clothes and bought myself some quality clothing in a medium to celebrate the 15 lbs lost since the new year. 

     Yesterday Lucas gave me a hug and pushed on my belly. He said "oh, squishy!" I had to pause and really think about how I was going to respond. I don't want to share my bad habits of self-critique with the kids. I looked at my soft, round middle and then at him and said "Yes, it is. Do you know why?" He responded that it was because I grew my babies in my belly and it stretched out. I told him yes, and that I loved the squishiness because it reminds me of how I carried the three of them within me for (almost) 9 months. And for the first time in my life, I wasn't lying about loving my body.  

Day 4.2

     One year with three children and we are still here.

Yes, that is a bottle of amoxicillin behind me. It's been a rough week.

     We've gone through a lot this past year, but we've gone through a lot every other year.  Thinking back on the early days of our relationship and reflecting on how far we've come as individuals, partners and now a family of five, I'm proud of us. While nothing prepares you for raising children, we were certainly prepared to work together to navigate the tough times.

     Three children is hard, but so were the days with no children. On the mornings I long to sleep in, I remember the mornings that we had an empty bed. When I'm exhausted and thinking about all the things I've lost- sleep, time, energy, my mind… I try to refocus on all that I have gained. Also, I share a bottle of bubbly with my husband.