Stop trying so hard. You don't have to change their lives.
These are the lives I need to focus on (also the guy behind the camera)
When I started teaching I wanted to change the world. I was going to connect with kids on their level and then expose them to the beauty of opera, the wonders of Mozart and the emotion of jazz. I would inspire the students to sing with proper vocal production and all of the boys would be comfortable using their head voices. Every kid would be able to sight-sing from both rhythmic and melodic notation, we would be fluent in solfeggio and of course they would sing in multiple languages.
12 years later I know that there have been moments of greatness. I know there are former students who are following their dreams of being professional musicians. I know that many of the "kids" have made music a regular part of their lives. But did I personally really do anything? Did I really change a life? Inspire something that only I could? If another person ended up with my position, would those students have turned out the same way? Do I matter?
That is the question I struggle with- Do I matter?
How narcissistic.
When I began teaching, I came in early, stayed late and gave up lunches. Despite the demands, this job used to nourish me and I felt that I was doing something good. Now I'm not sure if I do more than fill a schedule.
Admitting this is hard. And it's particularly frustrating because I feel that if I just do my job and stop the "extras", I'll be viewed as one of those teachers who has given up. It's so hard to articulate. This notion of working "for the kids" is not healthy. I cannot put my self-worth solely in the hands of students, however the students are the ones who made me want to be a great educator in the first place.
If I just stopped caring so much, did my job according to the contract and then went home to my family, would I still make a difference? Would I still matter?
Would I be OK if I didn't?
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