Day 85

     I had hoped to return to frequent writing, as my stress level has been high and writing has always helped me to sort through my emotions to gain a clearer perspective. But here I am yet again, beginning a post with the same complaint that a lack of time and energy are preventing me from blogging with any sort of consistency. The truth is, how much time does it really take to turn on my computer and write a few thoughts? Surely I can cut back on my scrolling through Twitter and Facebook… Nope, even as I wrote out this sentence, I picked up my phone and began scrolling again!

One of us is in deep thought...

     

     I'm pretty sure that I am avoiding deep thought. Staying abreast of world news makes me miserable. Contemplating another year away from working outside of the home and the independence that allows makes me feel guilty. In fact, addressing a multitude of issues in my life only brings about increased depression/anxiety. So, I stay superficial. I stay isolated. I stay quiet. 

     But I've slowly begun to think again. What type of role model am I for my children- my daughter in particular- if I become aloof and lose my identity? I used to have opinions. I was well read. I would argue my perspective with thoughtfulness and intelligence (at least I think I did). I set goals for myself. 

     When I was at the height of my postpartum depression after Ben was born, I began this blog with the intent to write for 40 consecutive days. It was a short-term goal and at the end of the 40 days, I felt accomplished. It's been around two and half years since I wrote that first post and I've only added an additional 45 days after the first 40. That realization does not sit well with me. What am I doing?

     As an individual with a leaning toward perfectionism, I either go 110% toward something or I barely make it through. If I cannot do something perfectly, I lose the motivation to continue. I think it's important to acknowledge this about myself. It's a strength, as well as a weakness. In HS and graduate school it lead to straight As. In my undergraduate education, this was nearly my undoing. As a wife, mother, and friend, the impact remains unknown.

     Do I attempt to set goals again for myself in each facet of my life? I know that by doing this, I will give myself motivation beyond "making it through the day", but I will also open myself up to increased depression and anxiety should I not achieve the goals. I could start small, but will my perfectionism lead me down a dark path? This has happened before. Do I trust myself? 

I cannot continue the way I have been. I deserve better.