What are those?!?!?!?
I want to capture this moment for forever. The look of joy and wonderment. What must she be thinking as she watched the colorful explosions? Everyday she is confronted with new sights, sounds, smells, and sensations. She explores, learns about and enjoys the world around her. There is so much in life that she has yet to discover.
There was difficult news out of our town this past week, the loss of a young man to suicide. As my children grow, it becomes harder to digest moments like this. I've had personal experiences- the loss of a friend, as well as my own suicidal thoughts during my battle with postpartum depression.
I remember being void of emotion. I think that is what stands out the most for me- there was no joy, no anger, no frustration. There was nothing. I don't ever want my children to experience that emptiness. There is so much around us to experience- good, bad, painful, wonderful. I used to focus on being happy. I felt that if I wasn't happy, I was probably doing something wrong- weren't we all supposed to strive for happiness? I have come to realize that it's an unrealistic expectation- particularly when you battle depression and anxiety. Now, I just focus on feeling.
Right now, I feel raw. I do not know what led to this young man's desperation. I don't even know the complete spectrum of what led me to my own desperation. I also don't know what it was that led me to get help before I caused myself harm. This is what frightens me- the complete lack of control. There is so much that the world has to offer. Yes, there are times when the news is awful, the politics unbearable, and reality overwhelming. But I want my children to experience it all. I want them to know that difficult situations don't have to be desperate. That I will always be there for them. I will love them always.
The uncertainty of life is what makes it so precious, but it is also what makes parenthood the most challenging undertaking I have ever faced.
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