Day 57

I'm now 35 and it's not the crows feet or gray hair I'm concerned with...

It's the adolescent blemish I got this week that will not quit

     It's perfect timing too. This weekend is the three day music educator conference that I look forward to each year. It's a great time to gain new skills, remind myself of the ones I used to have but forgot and of course, reconnect with old friends and colleagues. Don't you just love running into people you haven't seen in ages, looking like the pimply teenager you tried to forget you ever were?

     I tried my best to cover this thing up with every concealer I owned, immediately resorting to my old self-absorbed ways. I couldn't show up with big red pimple. I'm a grown woman- I wear skin firming/anti-aging night cream now- this isn't OK.

   I already went through this last year for Lent and in all the craziness, I've let myself slip back into old habits. I guess I need to get it going again:

Beth, get over yourself. You broke out. Most of the people at this conference have seen me in a lot worse shape than this. (Remember, college Beth= hot mess)

So here you are folks. I've got a zit. And when I go to the conference tomorrow, I'm not wearing concealer. 

   
*Also, I labeled this picture 58 and it should be 57. You get the idea. 

Day 56

Some advice:
If your four year old is having a tough time adjusting to DST and seems to be in an all around bad mood, do not ask them to help you set the table.

As I found myself on hands and knees, sweeping up the shards of broken porcelain, I noticed our hardwood floors were showing some significant wear.

I should have known that at least one dish would end up shattered on the floor.

My mind began to wander while cleaning. I've neglected these floors. Well, actually that's not true. I have scrubbed these floors quite a few times since we moved in- we have two kids after all. But I've never really paid attention to the dents and scratches in the wood, dust and Cherrios in the crevices. From far away, the floors look glossy and smooth, but up close I can see they've taken a beating.

That's how I feel right now. I'm trying to keep myself in a positive state of mind, but the struggle of balancing life is beating me up. If you've asked me in recent weeks how am I doing, chances are I replied "we're figuring it out" (or something along those lines). I've found myself drifting into old bad habits and and negative attitudes.

This needs to stop now. I've got two days off to relax and refocus.

Maybe I'll even get a few posts in...

Day 55

     There are days when I feel outnumbered in my home. Two small boys (and one big one) require lots of energy and patience. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but there are moments where I wonder what life would be like with a little girl.
     The chances of me ever carrying another child are slim, and I'm currently in the process of mourning that fact. It seems almost selfish, but I think it's natural.

 Fun with clay masks

     One afternoon a few weeks ago Lucas came in the bathroom while I was trying to have a five minute spa (clay mask and clear nail polish) and asked if he could join. At first I was frustrated that he interrupted my "me-time", but then I realized I was about to miss a special moment.

     There are times I tend to focus on what I don't have, what I can't do or what I'm missing, yet there are wonderful things happening right in front of me every day.

Day 54

Three weeks down as a working-outside-of-the-home mom...

How many weeks left?

     I found myself sitting on a bench and staring at the wall this past Wednesday. I have no idea how much time had passed or what I was thinking of. I just sat and stared. 

I am struggling. 

     I know everyone struggles with their priorities, but I am finding this transition particularly difficult. Is it because I now have two children? A larger home to maintain? A stressful schedule? Whatever the reason, three weeks in and I am still trying to figure out how to get out of the house in the morning, let alone any of the other things that are required of me throughout the day. At least I've figured out how to style my wavy/curly hair.

     I'm trying to maintain a positive outlook but I am starting to crack. Today was full of tears- from the moment the bell rang at the end of the school day until about two hours ago. I decided I needed to start writing again. I have so many pictures on my phone and so many thoughts I've wanted to share and I always feel better after a thoughtful post. So, tonight I begin again...for the third time (or is it the fourth?) 

Day 53

     Tonight I've been reflecting on the past year as I count down the minutes until I have a one year old. My sweet boy is turning one and I am blissfully exhausted by the transformation of myself and my family in the past 365 days.

Ben's first Yankee game & my first time nursing in Yankee Stadium

     I look at this picture and I see contentment. Actually, I see a lot of things, but I can look at my eyes  and know that despite the fact I am sitting on the concrete floor behind the bleachers, watching a fight between two drunk men and missing a home run, I am completely at peace with our decision to expand our family. In those first few hormonal post-partum weeks, I strongly doubted myself. The months of bed rest and medication still resulted in a premature birth and NICU stay. I had difficulty with PPD again, Ben wasn't gaining weight and Lucas was not entirely thrilled with the situation. I remember crying to Jim that we screwed up- we should have been happy with our family of three. Now I cannot imagine life without Ben. 

     Kids are hard. We've had quite a few rough patches, but these boys are amazing. Tonight as Jim and I sat in the family room and looked at the mess, he said to me "we have have some really great years ahead of us". I needed to hear that. I've been so focused on mourning the loss of the infant stage and of knowing that I will probably never carry another child that I have forgotten about all the amazing things that lie ahead for our family. 

     Tomorrow I will be woken up by a one year old and almost four year old and I can't wait to see what the day will bring us! 

Day 52

     I was true to my word. Jim and I had a "date" tonight!

A shared glass of Trader Joe's finest $4.49 Malbec

     Last night we decided that after the kids went to bed, we would sit up and talk- no TV, no phones, no laptops. Honestly I wasn't sure that we would follow through, but we did and I am so happy! I must confess we broke out the phones once we started discussing our upcoming shore house vacation, but other than that, we followed through. For an hour we did not talk about kids, do dishes or laundry, complain-we had a conversation like we used to! I even dimmed the lights for ambiance...and to hide the mess left by a day of playing with Ben, but let's focus on the ambiance ;-)

     I could sit here and bemoan the fact that we had a limited time, that there are chores now left to tackle tomorrow or that Jim has gone to bed without me so I could stay up write this post, but instead I will smile knowing that we had an enjoyable night. This was definitely a step in the right direction! 

Day 51

     I've been struggling recently. On the bright side, Ben is now crawling, pulling to standing and getting into everything (I can't say enough good stuff about the Early Intervention Program!). But along with those new developments, my entire life now revolves around chasing after kids. Yes, this is what I signed up for and no, I wouldn't give it up for anything- but that doesn't mean I enjoy every single moment. I had an epiphany about this at the pool today- I've lost myself again.

     We spent the day at the pool and enjoyed the beautiful weather and water. And I also compared myself to all the other women at the wading pool. I was in the land of the beautiful people. The pregnant women were wearing bikinis and showed no visible stretch marks. The moms of 3 or 4 were in fabulous shape. I mean kudos to them- but wow, trying to find an average looking woman was nearly impossible. They all socialized with each other, laughing and enjoying themselves while I stood paralyzed on the outside thinking "I will never fit in".  I don't know what it was- the anxiety of wearing a bathing suit in public, not knowing anyone- I just felt that I must look so out of place. Then Jim took this picture.

Ben and his Bathing Beauty Mommy

     I'm slightly ashamed to admit that my first thought was "The camera must be taking weird pictures because I do not look like that". Upon examining all the pictures he took, it turns out that I do indeed look like this. Wow- Go me!!! No, I don't have six pack abs, and wearing a string bikini to chase my kids around will NEVER be an option, but I don't look half bad at all! Mom or not, I am owning my body right there.
     So now that the looking-like-I-fit-in part is out of the way, I need to get down to the real issue. Why have I lost my sense of self worth beyond my role as a mother? I've become so wrapped up in the boys (again) that I've forgotten to take care of myself (again) and that is now affecting my ability (again) to be the mom, wife and fried I want to be. Do I have an easy answer to what will fix this? No. But, I am going to work on it. Starting this week I am arranging a date night with Jim and I am setting aside time to blog more consistently again- seriously! I'm also going to revisit some of my previous posts and take suggestions I gave myself earlier. This reminds me of the song "Very Good Advice" from Alice In Wonderland-

          I give myself very good advice

          But a very seldom follow it

          That explains the trouble that I'm always in 

     

     Time to start listening to myself. I have some really great things to say.