Day 68

     Today is the first day in weeks that I did not wake up feeling hungover. The morning sickness may be passing, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect!

I am cautiously optimistic that this might be the dawn of a new phase. 

     The bags under my eyes probably tell you that last night was rough one. For a variety of reasons I had a terrible time falling asleep and once I had started to doze off, Lucas came into our room. He had a bad dream and refused to tell me what it was about. This is the first time he's ever verbalized having a bad dream and my heart broke! I took him back to bed and laid down with him. All I wanted was to hold him and take away his pain. Whatever it was, he felt so terrible and I couldn't fix it.
   
     We talked about things that made him happy- his family, playing with Legos, daddy making breakfast. His sweet innocence kills me. I wanted to stop time and capture this moment forever, because I know these days will pass quicker than I'd like them to.

     I've been dealing with this pregnancy and the difficulty of parenting two young children by saying "this is a phase, it will pass". I have been so focused on getting through this that I am missing the everyday beauty with my family.
     This is a phase, and it will pass, and I need to be present. I should experience the lows as well as the highs and appreciate all that my family is at this moment in time, not just what it will be in the future.

Day 67

     We knew going into this pregnancy that chances were fairly high that I would be on bed rest because of the preterm labor and birth of Ben. Wishful thinking on my part that it wouldn't happen so soon.

A rare gentle and cozy moment with both of my boys. 

     I had high hopes for myself. This time would be different. I would exercise throughout the pregnancy, work until December and I'd be present in the boys' daily activities. I'm not sure if the car accident was the catalyst or if this was coming all along, but I'm disappointed. No matter how mentally you are prepared for difficult situation, the reality sucks.

    At my appointment on Monday my doctor and I made plans. I will be off my feet as much as possible to help with the cramping and pain- complete bed rest if needed. Beginning at week 16 I will receive weekly progesterone shots, most likely until week 37. I also have an MFM consult set up as well as frequent ultrasounds. I want to emphasize that the baby is doing great, it's just that my body (specifically my uterus) isn't totally cooperating.

     While the seriousness of the situation is starting to sink in, I know we are being proactive and not reactive, which is great. Going into the second trimester with a plan for preventing preterm labor is a lot better than dealing with it as it happens, which should keep both the baby and me healthy and safe. I'm frustrated about work, as I do love the kids and the people I work with. However, I know we are doing the right thing. And my rest during the day will definitely allow me to be a better mom and wife in the evening to Ben, Lucas and Jim.

     So, these next few months will give me lots of time for writing, reading, and finding the beauty in even difficult moments such as these.

Day 66

It's been a week since I dropped the "bombshell" news that our family is expanding.

Me and my kids

     I struggled from the moment that I knew I was pregnant with when to share the news. Having gone through this before, my body went right to work expanding my waistline, despite my inability to keep anything down- isn't nature amazing? I'm sure I perceive my body changes much more than those around me, but my physical state seems so obvious, especially due to the morning all-day sickness. How could anyone see my constant gagging as anything other than pregnancy?

     My previous pregnancies also make me terrified. Every time someone announces their pregnancy in the first trimester, my heart jumps for them. I hate my instincts to keep the news to myself, to wait until that magical 12 week mark. Even seeing the tiny baby in my belly at 7 weeks with a strong heartbeat and hearing that heartbeat at 9 weeks still didn't convince me that I should publicly announce our family's news.

     Then, I had a serious car accident on the way to work.

     I never felt as strong as I did the moment I realized my car was about to slam into another and there was nothing I could do to avoid it. I knew there was NO way I would let my child get hurt. The strength I used to prevent myself from flying forward and into the seatbelt felt super-human (and resulted in serious pain during the days after the accident). It felt like hours before the ambulance came. The drive to the hospital was never-ending. The wait for the ultrasound was unbearable. The relief and love I felt when I saw my baby moving around on the screen- indescribable.

     The moms I met through my pregnancy loss support group have a mantra we use during pregnancy- Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. It may seem obvious to others, but to women who have experienced loss, loving the developing baby can be difficult. To be honest, I've had a sense of detachment during my pregnancies- all of them. I didn't want to love something that might not stay. That is until now. I cried when I saw my little one squirming around. I cried so hard, it shocked me. This baby is AMAZING!

     I had to share the news because I'm growing a life. I can't hide the joy I feel that we have been blessed with another child. I am just reaching the end of the first trimester and I will go for my first screening tomorrow. I could have waited a week to "be safe" and announce the news after I received the green light from the doctor. However, today I am pregnant and I love my baby, and NOTHING will change that!

Day 65

     Today I shut off my brain, turned on my music and set out for a run. It went far better than I could have ever anticipated.

The sweat mark left by my butt on the front porch was also pretty impressive

     I haven't had an outdoor run like this in at least two years. It felt so good, despite the heat. Maybe it was because of the heat? Something about this morning just felt free. I didn't watch the clock, I didn't track the milage. I listened to music, smiled at the people I ran past and just enjoyed the fact that my body was capable of doing this. 

     At one point I ran by a young lady who was in a pair of running shorts and a sports bra. My immediate reaction was to try to suck in my stomach, which was dumb for a multitude of reasons. First of all, despite my 15+ miles a week this summer, I can't seem to whittle my middle down like in previous summers- I guess year 35 came with permanent bloat that can't be sucked in. Second, this woman was on her own mission and surely was not checking out my abs. Third- WTF Beth?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU RAN OVER 7 MILES AT AN 11:30 PACE IN CRAZY SUMMER HEAT!!!!!!! I am a rockstar!!!

     Focus on the positive- my legs and my stamina positively kicked ass today and I am so proud of myself! 

     

Day 64

     Now that I am on vacation, the house WILL be clean.

     I spent the past few days relaxing and basically living like a slug. I'm over it now and I've begun the cleaning, purging and organizing. First stop, the boys' room.

 Looks so clean from the doorway

Up close, you can't hide the stains

     It seems that no matter how much I clean, there is always something that I just have to deal with. I've used every spray possible, but the perfect, personalized PBK duvet is a casualty of a midnight bloody nose. Actually- lots of items in our home are casualties of the bloody nose phase. What made me think we could have nice things? 

     I have decided to work on focusing on the bigger picture.  I've been caught up in details recently that have me seeing the negative- an attitude I want to change. So what? There are a few stains, scratches and dents. The room is organized, the trains and cars are put away, and the random legos won't cause anyone (mom) to fall.  

     For now I'm going to enjoy this clean room because once the boys get home, the blood stain will be the least of my concerns! 

Day 63

     I don't like food blogs. Well, I think it's just the presentation- the eight hundred pictures of the same piece of food, the piece of food I just want the recipe for. I don't need the all the pictures (says the woman who has a blog about pictures) and I don't need all the cute little phrases.

Chocolate.
<insert picture of chocolate>
Seriously, friends-CHOCOLATE.
<insert another picture of chocolate>
<insert close-up picture of chocolate>
Is there anything better than chocolate?
<insert picture of 12 kinds of chocolate>
I think not.
<insert picture of baby covered in chocolate>
Ok, maybe this.


     I really don't want to complain about something so petty, but it frustrated the heck out of me tonight when I had to keep scrolling and scrolling past the crap to get to a recipe for these.

Totally worth all the scrolling

     It's silly for me to complain about what comes down to a minute of wasted time. How often do I waste time playing stupid bubble pop games or watching dumb tv? But beyond that- how often do I waste opportunities? There have been so many times that I didn't try out for a show or apply for a program because it just seemed easier than putting myself out there. I have been afraid of failure. I need to step out of my comfort zone.
     I took a chance on these cookie bars and they are pretty fantastic. I think I need to start taking chances on myself.

   

Day 62

     First weekend of my summer break is almost complete. Against my better judgement, I served the boys s'mores this evening after dinner. What followed was a chocolate disaster of epic proportions. This photo does not do justice to Ben's work.

When a chocolate covered Ben wants to give a kiss, you accept

     With each passing day it becomes clearer to me (and anyone who comes to our home) that these kids have taken over. The legos and matchbox cars are multiplying while we sleep. The bathrooms smell like pee and I can't figure out why. I've heard the same joke about poop 50 times this weekend. The best part? I laugh at that joke every single time.
     I've given in to all of it- the dirt, the gross humor, the rough-housing. I'll take the sloppy kisses, especially the chocolate ones, and relish these moments because they will be gone before I know it. After a day filled with cars, trains, wrestling, and messes, it ends with my almost five-year-old throwing his arms around my neck and holding me close.

I was definitely unprepared for the amount of love I feel for these boys.