Day 59

     I had a thought today in the middle of a class that was both incredibly liberating and extremely depressing.

          Stop trying so hard. You don't have to change their lives. 

These are the lives I need to focus on (also the guy behind the camera)

     When I started teaching I wanted to change the world. I was going to connect with kids on their level and then expose them to the beauty of opera, the wonders of Mozart and the emotion of jazz. I would inspire the students to sing with proper vocal production and all of the boys would be comfortable using their head voices. Every kid would be able to sight-sing from both rhythmic and melodic notation, we would be fluent in solfeggio and of course they would sing in multiple languages.
     12 years later I know that there have been moments of greatness. I know there are former students who are following their dreams of being professional musicians. I know that many of the "kids" have made music a regular part of their lives. But did I personally really do anything? Did I really change a life? Inspire something that only I could? If another person ended up with my position, would those students have turned out the same way? Do I matter?

     That is the question I struggle with- Do I matter?
   
     How narcissistic.

     When I began teaching, I came in early, stayed late and gave up lunches. Despite the demands, this job used to nourish me and I felt that I was doing something good. Now I'm not sure if I do more than fill a schedule.
   
     Admitting this is hard. And it's particularly frustrating because I feel that if I just do my job and stop the "extras", I'll be viewed as one of those teachers who has given up. It's so hard to articulate. This notion of working "for the kids" is not healthy. I cannot put my self-worth solely in the hands of students, however the students are the ones who made me want to be a great educator in the first place.

     If I just stopped caring so much, did my job according to the contract and then went home to my family, would I still make a difference? Would I still matter?
     Would I be OK if I didn't?

Day 58

As my BFF and I prepared to close up our classrooms for spring break, I spotted this bumper sticker on a file cabinet and insisted that he take a picture of me.

The face of an exhausted teacher 5 minutes from spring break

I'm burning out of teaching. I have been struggling with this fact for years. It's funny- it has been harder for me to admit and come to terms with this fact than it was for me to face postpartum depression. I've been so ashamed. I spent my last year of grad school researching and writing about teacher burnout. I gave a workshop in my school district about how to avoid it. I talk to my colleagues and student teachers about ways to avoid the burnout, yet here I am.

This realization isn't unprovoked. I just came off an 80+ hour workweek. Yes, that's not a typo. For those who still don't believe teachers work beyond the hours of 8-3, we definitely do. We had the musical last week and as the hair/make-up director and one of the music directors, I spent Monday-Sunday working with the students on the show in addition to my regular teaching responsibilities and my two schedule B assignments. Also, I got sick. And so did my kids. I honestly don't know how I did it. I can't be surprised that I drove to work hysterical, walked into the building hysterical and barely dried the tears before my students walked into my classroom. I can't be surprised that I lost my temper when bombarded by a gaggle of 5th graders asking ridiculous questions. I can't be surprised that when I walked out of my classroom to take a deep breath, I would turn to a colleague and tell her I needed to leave NOW. I'm so thankful she offered to take over my classroom so I could cool down.

This profession, particularly in NJ, is losing it's best and brightest. The bumper sticker says "I am the future of music education", but if I'm struggling to make it through the year, how can I be the future? How can I continue to educate and inspire the next generation of musicians if I feel like I can't perform my job to my high standards, which I refuse to lower.

I have much more to say about this topic. During my spring break, I will be taking some time to really explore these feelings of burnout and I will attempt to discover some ways to get myself out of this place.

I know I am meant to be a teacher. Leaving education is not an option.

Day 57

I'm now 35 and it's not the crows feet or gray hair I'm concerned with...

It's the adolescent blemish I got this week that will not quit

     It's perfect timing too. This weekend is the three day music educator conference that I look forward to each year. It's a great time to gain new skills, remind myself of the ones I used to have but forgot and of course, reconnect with old friends and colleagues. Don't you just love running into people you haven't seen in ages, looking like the pimply teenager you tried to forget you ever were?

     I tried my best to cover this thing up with every concealer I owned, immediately resorting to my old self-absorbed ways. I couldn't show up with big red pimple. I'm a grown woman- I wear skin firming/anti-aging night cream now- this isn't OK.

   I already went through this last year for Lent and in all the craziness, I've let myself slip back into old habits. I guess I need to get it going again:

Beth, get over yourself. You broke out. Most of the people at this conference have seen me in a lot worse shape than this. (Remember, college Beth= hot mess)

So here you are folks. I've got a zit. And when I go to the conference tomorrow, I'm not wearing concealer. 

   
*Also, I labeled this picture 58 and it should be 57. You get the idea. 

Day 56

Some advice:
If your four year old is having a tough time adjusting to DST and seems to be in an all around bad mood, do not ask them to help you set the table.

As I found myself on hands and knees, sweeping up the shards of broken porcelain, I noticed our hardwood floors were showing some significant wear.

I should have known that at least one dish would end up shattered on the floor.

My mind began to wander while cleaning. I've neglected these floors. Well, actually that's not true. I have scrubbed these floors quite a few times since we moved in- we have two kids after all. But I've never really paid attention to the dents and scratches in the wood, dust and Cherrios in the crevices. From far away, the floors look glossy and smooth, but up close I can see they've taken a beating.

That's how I feel right now. I'm trying to keep myself in a positive state of mind, but the struggle of balancing life is beating me up. If you've asked me in recent weeks how am I doing, chances are I replied "we're figuring it out" (or something along those lines). I've found myself drifting into old bad habits and and negative attitudes.

This needs to stop now. I've got two days off to relax and refocus.

Maybe I'll even get a few posts in...

Day 55

     There are days when I feel outnumbered in my home. Two small boys (and one big one) require lots of energy and patience. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but there are moments where I wonder what life would be like with a little girl.
     The chances of me ever carrying another child are slim, and I'm currently in the process of mourning that fact. It seems almost selfish, but I think it's natural.

 Fun with clay masks

     One afternoon a few weeks ago Lucas came in the bathroom while I was trying to have a five minute spa (clay mask and clear nail polish) and asked if he could join. At first I was frustrated that he interrupted my "me-time", but then I realized I was about to miss a special moment.

     There are times I tend to focus on what I don't have, what I can't do or what I'm missing, yet there are wonderful things happening right in front of me every day.

Day 54

Three weeks down as a working-outside-of-the-home mom...

How many weeks left?

     I found myself sitting on a bench and staring at the wall this past Wednesday. I have no idea how much time had passed or what I was thinking of. I just sat and stared. 

I am struggling. 

     I know everyone struggles with their priorities, but I am finding this transition particularly difficult. Is it because I now have two children? A larger home to maintain? A stressful schedule? Whatever the reason, three weeks in and I am still trying to figure out how to get out of the house in the morning, let alone any of the other things that are required of me throughout the day. At least I've figured out how to style my wavy/curly hair.

     I'm trying to maintain a positive outlook but I am starting to crack. Today was full of tears- from the moment the bell rang at the end of the school day until about two hours ago. I decided I needed to start writing again. I have so many pictures on my phone and so many thoughts I've wanted to share and I always feel better after a thoughtful post. So, tonight I begin again...for the third time (or is it the fourth?) 

Day 53

     Tonight I've been reflecting on the past year as I count down the minutes until I have a one year old. My sweet boy is turning one and I am blissfully exhausted by the transformation of myself and my family in the past 365 days.

Ben's first Yankee game & my first time nursing in Yankee Stadium

     I look at this picture and I see contentment. Actually, I see a lot of things, but I can look at my eyes  and know that despite the fact I am sitting on the concrete floor behind the bleachers, watching a fight between two drunk men and missing a home run, I am completely at peace with our decision to expand our family. In those first few hormonal post-partum weeks, I strongly doubted myself. The months of bed rest and medication still resulted in a premature birth and NICU stay. I had difficulty with PPD again, Ben wasn't gaining weight and Lucas was not entirely thrilled with the situation. I remember crying to Jim that we screwed up- we should have been happy with our family of three. Now I cannot imagine life without Ben. 

     Kids are hard. We've had quite a few rough patches, but these boys are amazing. Tonight as Jim and I sat in the family room and looked at the mess, he said to me "we have have some really great years ahead of us". I needed to hear that. I've been so focused on mourning the loss of the infant stage and of knowing that I will probably never carry another child that I have forgotten about all the amazing things that lie ahead for our family. 

     Tomorrow I will be woken up by a one year old and almost four year old and I can't wait to see what the day will bring us!