Day 68

     Today is the first day in weeks that I did not wake up feeling hungover. The morning sickness may be passing, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect!

I am cautiously optimistic that this might be the dawn of a new phase. 

     The bags under my eyes probably tell you that last night was rough one. For a variety of reasons I had a terrible time falling asleep and once I had started to doze off, Lucas came into our room. He had a bad dream and refused to tell me what it was about. This is the first time he's ever verbalized having a bad dream and my heart broke! I took him back to bed and laid down with him. All I wanted was to hold him and take away his pain. Whatever it was, he felt so terrible and I couldn't fix it.
   
     We talked about things that made him happy- his family, playing with Legos, daddy making breakfast. His sweet innocence kills me. I wanted to stop time and capture this moment forever, because I know these days will pass quicker than I'd like them to.

     I've been dealing with this pregnancy and the difficulty of parenting two young children by saying "this is a phase, it will pass". I have been so focused on getting through this that I am missing the everyday beauty with my family.
     This is a phase, and it will pass, and I need to be present. I should experience the lows as well as the highs and appreciate all that my family is at this moment in time, not just what it will be in the future.

Day 67

     We knew going into this pregnancy that chances were fairly high that I would be on bed rest because of the preterm labor and birth of Ben. Wishful thinking on my part that it wouldn't happen so soon.

A rare gentle and cozy moment with both of my boys. 

     I had high hopes for myself. This time would be different. I would exercise throughout the pregnancy, work until December and I'd be present in the boys' daily activities. I'm not sure if the car accident was the catalyst or if this was coming all along, but I'm disappointed. No matter how mentally you are prepared for difficult situation, the reality sucks.

    At my appointment on Monday my doctor and I made plans. I will be off my feet as much as possible to help with the cramping and pain- complete bed rest if needed. Beginning at week 16 I will receive weekly progesterone shots, most likely until week 37. I also have an MFM consult set up as well as frequent ultrasounds. I want to emphasize that the baby is doing great, it's just that my body (specifically my uterus) isn't totally cooperating.

     While the seriousness of the situation is starting to sink in, I know we are being proactive and not reactive, which is great. Going into the second trimester with a plan for preventing preterm labor is a lot better than dealing with it as it happens, which should keep both the baby and me healthy and safe. I'm frustrated about work, as I do love the kids and the people I work with. However, I know we are doing the right thing. And my rest during the day will definitely allow me to be a better mom and wife in the evening to Ben, Lucas and Jim.

     So, these next few months will give me lots of time for writing, reading, and finding the beauty in even difficult moments such as these.

Day 66

It's been a week since I dropped the "bombshell" news that our family is expanding.

Me and my kids

     I struggled from the moment that I knew I was pregnant with when to share the news. Having gone through this before, my body went right to work expanding my waistline, despite my inability to keep anything down- isn't nature amazing? I'm sure I perceive my body changes much more than those around me, but my physical state seems so obvious, especially due to the morning all-day sickness. How could anyone see my constant gagging as anything other than pregnancy?

     My previous pregnancies also make me terrified. Every time someone announces their pregnancy in the first trimester, my heart jumps for them. I hate my instincts to keep the news to myself, to wait until that magical 12 week mark. Even seeing the tiny baby in my belly at 7 weeks with a strong heartbeat and hearing that heartbeat at 9 weeks still didn't convince me that I should publicly announce our family's news.

     Then, I had a serious car accident on the way to work.

     I never felt as strong as I did the moment I realized my car was about to slam into another and there was nothing I could do to avoid it. I knew there was NO way I would let my child get hurt. The strength I used to prevent myself from flying forward and into the seatbelt felt super-human (and resulted in serious pain during the days after the accident). It felt like hours before the ambulance came. The drive to the hospital was never-ending. The wait for the ultrasound was unbearable. The relief and love I felt when I saw my baby moving around on the screen- indescribable.

     The moms I met through my pregnancy loss support group have a mantra we use during pregnancy- Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. It may seem obvious to others, but to women who have experienced loss, loving the developing baby can be difficult. To be honest, I've had a sense of detachment during my pregnancies- all of them. I didn't want to love something that might not stay. That is until now. I cried when I saw my little one squirming around. I cried so hard, it shocked me. This baby is AMAZING!

     I had to share the news because I'm growing a life. I can't hide the joy I feel that we have been blessed with another child. I am just reaching the end of the first trimester and I will go for my first screening tomorrow. I could have waited a week to "be safe" and announce the news after I received the green light from the doctor. However, today I am pregnant and I love my baby, and NOTHING will change that!