Day 56

Some advice:
If your four year old is having a tough time adjusting to DST and seems to be in an all around bad mood, do not ask them to help you set the table.

As I found myself on hands and knees, sweeping up the shards of broken porcelain, I noticed our hardwood floors were showing some significant wear.

I should have known that at least one dish would end up shattered on the floor.

My mind began to wander while cleaning. I've neglected these floors. Well, actually that's not true. I have scrubbed these floors quite a few times since we moved in- we have two kids after all. But I've never really paid attention to the dents and scratches in the wood, dust and Cherrios in the crevices. From far away, the floors look glossy and smooth, but up close I can see they've taken a beating.

That's how I feel right now. I'm trying to keep myself in a positive state of mind, but the struggle of balancing life is beating me up. If you've asked me in recent weeks how am I doing, chances are I replied "we're figuring it out" (or something along those lines). I've found myself drifting into old bad habits and and negative attitudes.

This needs to stop now. I've got two days off to relax and refocus.

Maybe I'll even get a few posts in...

Day 55

     There are days when I feel outnumbered in my home. Two small boys (and one big one) require lots of energy and patience. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but there are moments where I wonder what life would be like with a little girl.
     The chances of me ever carrying another child are slim, and I'm currently in the process of mourning that fact. It seems almost selfish, but I think it's natural.

 Fun with clay masks

     One afternoon a few weeks ago Lucas came in the bathroom while I was trying to have a five minute spa (clay mask and clear nail polish) and asked if he could join. At first I was frustrated that he interrupted my "me-time", but then I realized I was about to miss a special moment.

     There are times I tend to focus on what I don't have, what I can't do or what I'm missing, yet there are wonderful things happening right in front of me every day.

Day 54

Three weeks down as a working-outside-of-the-home mom...

How many weeks left?

     I found myself sitting on a bench and staring at the wall this past Wednesday. I have no idea how much time had passed or what I was thinking of. I just sat and stared. 

I am struggling. 

     I know everyone struggles with their priorities, but I am finding this transition particularly difficult. Is it because I now have two children? A larger home to maintain? A stressful schedule? Whatever the reason, three weeks in and I am still trying to figure out how to get out of the house in the morning, let alone any of the other things that are required of me throughout the day. At least I've figured out how to style my wavy/curly hair.

     I'm trying to maintain a positive outlook but I am starting to crack. Today was full of tears- from the moment the bell rang at the end of the school day until about two hours ago. I decided I needed to start writing again. I have so many pictures on my phone and so many thoughts I've wanted to share and I always feel better after a thoughtful post. So, tonight I begin again...for the third time (or is it the fourth?) 

Day 53

     Tonight I've been reflecting on the past year as I count down the minutes until I have a one year old. My sweet boy is turning one and I am blissfully exhausted by the transformation of myself and my family in the past 365 days.

Ben's first Yankee game & my first time nursing in Yankee Stadium

     I look at this picture and I see contentment. Actually, I see a lot of things, but I can look at my eyes  and know that despite the fact I am sitting on the concrete floor behind the bleachers, watching a fight between two drunk men and missing a home run, I am completely at peace with our decision to expand our family. In those first few hormonal post-partum weeks, I strongly doubted myself. The months of bed rest and medication still resulted in a premature birth and NICU stay. I had difficulty with PPD again, Ben wasn't gaining weight and Lucas was not entirely thrilled with the situation. I remember crying to Jim that we screwed up- we should have been happy with our family of three. Now I cannot imagine life without Ben. 

     Kids are hard. We've had quite a few rough patches, but these boys are amazing. Tonight as Jim and I sat in the family room and looked at the mess, he said to me "we have have some really great years ahead of us". I needed to hear that. I've been so focused on mourning the loss of the infant stage and of knowing that I will probably never carry another child that I have forgotten about all the amazing things that lie ahead for our family. 

     Tomorrow I will be woken up by a one year old and almost four year old and I can't wait to see what the day will bring us! 

Day 52

     I was true to my word. Jim and I had a "date" tonight!

A shared glass of Trader Joe's finest $4.49 Malbec

     Last night we decided that after the kids went to bed, we would sit up and talk- no TV, no phones, no laptops. Honestly I wasn't sure that we would follow through, but we did and I am so happy! I must confess we broke out the phones once we started discussing our upcoming shore house vacation, but other than that, we followed through. For an hour we did not talk about kids, do dishes or laundry, complain-we had a conversation like we used to! I even dimmed the lights for ambiance...and to hide the mess left by a day of playing with Ben, but let's focus on the ambiance ;-)

     I could sit here and bemoan the fact that we had a limited time, that there are chores now left to tackle tomorrow or that Jim has gone to bed without me so I could stay up write this post, but instead I will smile knowing that we had an enjoyable night. This was definitely a step in the right direction! 

Day 51

     I've been struggling recently. On the bright side, Ben is now crawling, pulling to standing and getting into everything (I can't say enough good stuff about the Early Intervention Program!). But along with those new developments, my entire life now revolves around chasing after kids. Yes, this is what I signed up for and no, I wouldn't give it up for anything- but that doesn't mean I enjoy every single moment. I had an epiphany about this at the pool today- I've lost myself again.

     We spent the day at the pool and enjoyed the beautiful weather and water. And I also compared myself to all the other women at the wading pool. I was in the land of the beautiful people. The pregnant women were wearing bikinis and showed no visible stretch marks. The moms of 3 or 4 were in fabulous shape. I mean kudos to them- but wow, trying to find an average looking woman was nearly impossible. They all socialized with each other, laughing and enjoying themselves while I stood paralyzed on the outside thinking "I will never fit in".  I don't know what it was- the anxiety of wearing a bathing suit in public, not knowing anyone- I just felt that I must look so out of place. Then Jim took this picture.

Ben and his Bathing Beauty Mommy

     I'm slightly ashamed to admit that my first thought was "The camera must be taking weird pictures because I do not look like that". Upon examining all the pictures he took, it turns out that I do indeed look like this. Wow- Go me!!! No, I don't have six pack abs, and wearing a string bikini to chase my kids around will NEVER be an option, but I don't look half bad at all! Mom or not, I am owning my body right there.
     So now that the looking-like-I-fit-in part is out of the way, I need to get down to the real issue. Why have I lost my sense of self worth beyond my role as a mother? I've become so wrapped up in the boys (again) that I've forgotten to take care of myself (again) and that is now affecting my ability (again) to be the mom, wife and fried I want to be. Do I have an easy answer to what will fix this? No. But, I am going to work on it. Starting this week I am arranging a date night with Jim and I am setting aside time to blog more consistently again- seriously! I'm also going to revisit some of my previous posts and take suggestions I gave myself earlier. This reminds me of the song "Very Good Advice" from Alice In Wonderland-

          I give myself very good advice

          But a very seldom follow it

          That explains the trouble that I'm always in 

     

     Time to start listening to myself. I have some really great things to say.

Day 50

     One of my favorite lines from "Beauty and the Beast" is when Belle says to her father, "Papa, do you think I'm odd?"

#tbt to "Beauty and the Beast"- a little bit of both here.

     I never got to play the role of Belle (and pretty sure I'm way too old at this point!), but this is a question I've often pondered. Am I odd? I can be extremely socially awkward and motherhood has made me worse. There are times I have conversations that I don't quite remember because I'm thinking about some errand I forgot to run or am exhausted from another sleepless night.  There have also been times when I stick my foot in my mouth or say something completely awkward. Maybe that's what happens when you spend your days babbling with a infant and negotiating/diffusing tantrums with a toddler. I find that my interactions with adults are rare and I'm not doing well when I have them. Could it be that my life feels so mundane that I'm now incapable of having an intelligent conversation? Is it that I have so much to say that once I start talking, I can't stop and I don't formulate a coherent thought?
     Many years ago I played the role of the singing dresser, Madame de la Grande Bouche (translation- Missus of the Big Mouth). I had a fantastic time getting back on the stage after a few years off, but I didn't get to socialize much. I had to spend much of the production sitting inside a large box on stage, waiting to pop up and sing/say my lines. In a lot of ways it feels like I'm waiting around to sing/say my lines now, only they aren't written out for me and I keep messing them up. I get out, talk to people, go back to my house/box and smack myself in the head for being weird. I honestly worry that when the boys go to school I'm going to be the odd mom who doesn't quite fit in.
     I guess the only thing I can do is keep popping out of the box and trying. Sooner or later I'll figure it out, right?

Day 49

     I must apologize for the delay in posting. It's been a very hectic few weeks around here- more to come on that later but for now, I share another #tbt photo.

      Recently I've been thinking about the way I portray myself on social media. There have been quite a few instances of teachers being reprimanded or disciplined because of Facebook pages or other social media presences. I thought back to our wedding day when one of my lovely sixth grade students who sang at the ceremony (and is probably reading this entry) told her father that she saw two things at the wedding she never expected to see in her life- Ms. D kissing a boy and drinking alcohol. In other news, I'm glad Facebook didn't exist when I was in college...
     Personally, I don't have an issue with anyone seeing a picture of me with alcohol. I am over 21, I don't drink and drive, and I'm a responsible adult- who happens to like beer and wine. As far as kissing anyone (Did I mention how happy I am that Facebook wasn't around during college?), I am happily married! Why should I be afraid of anyone finding this blog or seeing photos that I have been tagged in. This is me. I don't hide who I am and quite frankly, I think it's awesome that I have been so honest with my struggles through this blog. I may have felt much better about myself growing up if I realized that others felt the same way as me.
     So, here you go world- this is me kissing my husband and drinking champagne. It's not the first time, nor will it be the last. Well, I guess technically speaking, this is the first time I kissed my husband and drank champagne, but you know what I mean!
   

Day 48

     I think I may be having a professional/career crisis of sorts. I need to take a step back and what better day to do that than #tbt

My second year of teaching- amazing that they hired a 16 year old, right?

     Let's be honest, education isn't exactly the most enjoyable of careers at this moment. I will refrain from getting too political as I haven't been in my classroom during this tumultuous transition, yet I hope to get back to it in the fall- so no jeopardizing myself with rants! If you know me, you probably know where I stand and if you don't know me, that previous comment probably gave it away. In all honesty, I just want to teach. I think that's what we all want. We want to help our students to achieve their greatest potential in whatever it is that they are passionate about. Personally, I want to open their minds to the music, art and culture that surrounds us and makes us human. Constantly barraging our students with standardized testing will not accomplish this. But, I digress...

     I feel stuck. 

     There was a point in my life when I wanted nothing more than to be on stage, performing for whoever would listen. I loved to sing, dance and act and I was happiest when before an audience. About the time I was preparing to graduate college, my self esteem and belief in my ability to perform had taken quite a blow. I was looking at graduate schools and opportunities for continuing to perform and I had an epiphany. I wasn't prepared to pursue performance at the expense of a potential future relationship and family. It was a tough decision to come to at age 22, but I knew it was right. I felt it wouldn't be an appropriate investment of time, money or my sanity to spend my life auditioning. I wasn't emotionally capable of facing constant rejection. And, I had just begun my student teaching and it turned out that I actually loved working with students! 

     Upon graduating, finding a job turned out to be more difficult than getting into undergrad! I spent 9 months sending out resumes and going on interviews that led nowhere. I was told I would be an excellent teacher one day, but I needed experience (how ironic that experience completely shuts you out of contention for teaching jobs now...). 

      I did finally find a job and I've been there since 2003. I am pretty sure that I have the world's greatest coworkers and students. Seriously. These are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I'm pretty sure I've taught a future president, a Grammy winner, an ambassador- I could go on with the skills and talents they all possess! 

     However, I feel like we've come a point where I wonder if there will be a place for me in education 10 years from now. What are we teaching our children? What standards are we holding them and ourselves to? If our main goal is to prepare them for college starting at the tender age of five, what sort of educational experience will they have? I want an education for our children that is filled with imagination, creativity, passion for learning and JOY! 

     In 2005, I had that in my classroom with the two students pictured above. They are now rising college seniors and I have no doubt that the both of them will go on to do great things. Back then I was able to teach music- for the sake of music- but I was also able to enrich studies outside of the music classroom. I don't know what the future holds, but knowing the generation that will soon be graduating had a chance to learn with joy gives me hope that they can be a positive influence in our society and in education.  

     

     Sorry for the preachy and probably confusing ramblings tonight. I think I'm frustrated and not sure where I see myself fitting in, given my educational philosophy. One thing I am sure of is that I am grateful for my students- every single one of them- and I hope they know that. 

Day 47

     Tonight we lit a candle and sang happy birthday to my mother-in-law. Lucas requested a cake with "Happy Birthday Grandma" written on it, but settled for a dance party and song.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

     Jim made a comment after we finished the celebration that if someone had told him five years ago that this was how we would celebrate Mom's birthday, he wouldn't know how to respond. I get that. Here we are with our two beautiful children celebrating a beautiful woman, but she is not physically here with us. I miss her.
     I want to write about Mom, but a large part of me wants to keep my memories, thoughts and feelings to myself. Like any mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, ours had it's rocky moments and only in becoming a mother myself was I able to understand the reasons we had our struggles.
     I want to thank her for raising my husband to be the man he is today. I want to apologize to her for being such a self-centered brat when we were planning the wedding. I want to have coffee with her and talk about raising boys. I want to go shopping together for house decor and clothes for the kids. I want to cook Sunday dinner with her. I want to cry with her on the days I feel that I just can't do this. I want to argue with her about spoiling the kids. I want to look through baby pictures with her and hear stories about how my husband and his brother were like Ben and Lucas. I want to tell her how much she inspired me to be the mother I strive to be.
     So many "wants", but they simply cannot happen- not in the way I need them. I talk to her during late night nursing sessions and car rides or walks with children. I can imagine our conversation and I can hear her voice in my head, but she's not there. And sometimes it just hurts- All the beauty in the life Jim and I have built together and we cannot share it with his parents in a typical way. However, it is beautiful that we have found ways to honor and include mom and dad in our family so that our children know them.
   
     I don't know how to end this post. I can't seem to express what I am feeling right now, which is a profound sense of sadness in the fact that she is gone. Time doesn't make loss easier, just different. And tonight, singing "Happy Birthday" with her son and two grandsons hurt my heart, because she should be here.
   
   

Day 46

     When you ask a three and a half year old how many miles he can walk and he responds with "Five", don't believe him.

This may be my favorite picture so far.

     Lucas was getting a little antsy this afternoon so I asked him if he wanted to take a walk with me to get flowers for my mother. We had a lovely brunch on the patio and now we were trying to get ready for my parents and sister to visit and Lucas was in need of some attention. Actually, he's been in need of attention a lot recently and has resorted to hitting and biting to get it, but that's another story for another day. 

     I planned on taking the jogging stroller, but Lucas was insistent that we walk together. He was so sweet about it that I gave in, although I knew in my gut that I was probably going to have to carry him on the way back. 

     Two houses away from ours and he asked me to pick him up. I figured it was because we were walking on the part of the road that doesn't have sidewalks and he may have been a little scared. 

     I was wrong. 

     I carried him most of the way to the flower store, a little over a mile down the road from our house. We passed lots of families out for their Mother's Day celebrations. Our town seems to have a never-ending supply of wealthy and well-dressed families and my Target gym clothes and sweat weren't really fitting in. I can't lie- I sort of envied those women with their Lilly Pulitzer dresses and children who would walk on their own two feet. 

     We made it to the flower shop and picked out a bouquet for Nana. While we were waiting (did I mention I still had to hold him while we were in the store?) Lucas said, "Mommy, I have to tell you a secret". I leaned in and he took my face in his hands and whispered "I love you". I think my heart is still in a puddle in front of the cash register. 

     After we purchased the flowers, we began to make our way home. About two blocks in, I could feel his body turn to dead weight and by the third block, he was out. I struggled something awful for about half a mile before I called my husband to ask him to get us. He didn't pick up the phone so I left a quick message and told him if he could come out, I'd really appreciate it.

     As I carried the flowers and a 35lb child, I wondered, do people who pass by think I need help? Is anyone going to pull over to ask me if I'm OK? I probably look ridiculous. Thankfully, Jim got the message, strapped Ben into the car seat and came to get us. Knowing a good photo opportunity when he sees one, he snapped this picture as I was about to put Lucas into the car seat. No wonder no one stopped to ask if I needed help. I look like a very capable and experienced mother who can handle any situation. 

     I am so proud of this picture! When I envisioned myself as a mother, I always knew that I wouldn't be the mom in the Lilly Pulitzer dress- that's just not me. I am the mother of two young boys and playing outside, getting covered in dirt, and general rambunctiousness is my life. Maybe one day we will all dress up and have a nice afternoon out, but for now, the dirt, messes, sweaty hugs and sloppy kisses are all I need.  

     

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there- those that are here, those that are gone, those to-be and those who wish to-be. 

Day 45

     Today being #tbt and this Sunday being Mother's Day, I decided to post this picture on Facebook tonight.

This bed hasn't been neatly made since this photo was taken in 2010.

     I wasn't thinking at the moment I shared the picture, but I needed to remind myself of what my body has been through.
     Yesterday I attempted to shop for a bathing suit for our upcoming getaway to Vegas. I probably don't seem like the Vegas type, but I love it out there. My husband and I go every two years with another couple and we live it up for three nights. I enjoy the gambling, the shows, the food, the pools, the dancing- I always have a great time (maybe a few times that were too great. But that's another story...)
     I also (usually) love shopping for clothes to wear on this trip because I get to dress up since we go all out. This year however, I'm struggling a bit as nothing seems to quite work for me. I bought five bathing suits so far and tried them on at home (trying on swimwear in a small dressing room with breastfeed infant does not work- one glimpse and he demands the goods). Five bathing suits are in a bag by the door waiting to be returned.
     I looked at myself in the mirror as I was trying them on and all I could think of was my former body. The one that didn't go through hell to have children. The one that begged and prayed to God to please give me the chance to be a mother. The one that didn't endure two difficult "full term" pregnancies. The one that would probably punch present-day-me in the face if she knew I would be sad about my semi-soft middle and a handful of stretch marks.
     So here is my belly. Beautiful, round and full of love. It's a little deflated now, but that love is now living outside of body in the form of two amazing children and they were totally worth it.

Day 44

     The weather has been showing signs of improvement and that only means one thing....

Yes, this selfie was taken in a mirror on the side of playground equipment. 

     Shorts.
     (Ok, maybe it means more than one thing. But in the context of this post, it only means shorts.)

     This is the first time in two years that I have worn shorts. Seriously. Pregnant summers do not work for my legs (swollen would be an understatement) so these gams have been kept under wraps for quite a while. Today I decided to bite the bullet and put on a pair and it was actually much better than I thought it would be (thank you Pilates).

     I've always had an aversion to shorts & skirts-anything that allows the general public to see my legs. I'm petite and (usually) have muscular legs- not the easiest combination to dress. Also, due to my thick thighs, shorts always ride up when I walk/run. When I am training for a race, the amount of BodyGlide I purchase to deal with chaffing borders on the obscene. I go through phases where I absolutely hate my legs, but then I am reminded of all the amazing things they have done for me and I love them for all they are. My mom always used to say it takes a strong foundation to build a cathedral- I like to think of them as my foundation.
     So, welcome warm weather- I'm not letting my vanity hold me back from enjoying you anymore!

Day 43

     Honestly, there are days when the thought of bedtime is enough to cause a panic attack. I just know the night will be never ending. When you think they are asleep- BAM!- the door flies open and shouts of "Mommy! Daddy! I haaaaaave to tell you somethinggggggg!!!!" ring through the air. Of course, that's usually followed by screams of "wahhhhhhhh" coming from down the hall.....

I put on a good front, but they terrify me.   

     My children are not what you would call "great sleepers". There are times where they are sweet angels and do sleep peacefully through. Unfortunately those nights don't always align for both of them.
     Last night was a real doozy. Ben has discovered a new shrieking sound. It's pretty impressive, especially at 1 am. By the time we reached 2:30, it was clear that something was off.  I wasn't thrilled but I knew that I needed to comfort him. Part of me felt like a failure because I "gave in" and nursed him. But the other part of me knows that I followed my gut and calmed him down, and that makes me an awesome mother.
     I've decided something- I'm done panicking about the whole sleep thing. I'm going to stop the comparisons to other children and stressing out over bedtime. If my child wants me to lay down with him because he loves me, wants to tell me something and give me a hug, than I am going with it! If my baby wants to be snuggled because he's alone and upset in his crib, I'm OK with that. I've been granted a gift of two beautiful children- if I give them comfort and security, that's fine by me. I will never look back on this time and think "I wish I slept more" and I definitely don't want to think "I should have held my children more often".
     So if you see me with dark circles under my eyes and a triple espresso, please don't look at me with pity.  I've got some pretty fantastic reasons for the exhausted appearances.

Day 42

     Welcome back. I've taken some time off from writing and I need to get back. I hope that it's understood that as much as I shared my judgement, critiques and thoughts about myself, I don't extend that same scrutiny to others. Although, I must say, on some level, we all make judgments about each other.


     The weather has been beautiful recently and I decided to take a walk through the campus downtown. The semester is closing and newly admitted students are visiting, so everything was busy. Ben enjoyed watching the students and babbled loudly most of the walk. His adorable squeals echo quite nicely among the large buildings and arches.
     Toward the end of our walk, we passed by a young girl who was so unbelievably striking. She looked like something out of a Ralph Lauren ad- tall, slim, gorgeous clothes, impeccable makeup, perfectly manicured nails. She may have been one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. I thought to myself that if you found me walking to class during the last few weeks of the semester in college, I probably would have been wearing some sweats and I may or may not have showered. That's when I realized, I was wearing yoga pants and I hadn't showered or really done much other than brush my teeth.

15 years later and I'm still a slob.

     As I thought about this girl, I imagined how amazing her life must be. She most likely attended a private school where she excelled at everything. She surely was fluent in more than one language. She probably had a horse. And that's where I stopped myself. She probably had a horse? What was I thinking judging this girl? Something about the way she presented herself made me feel like a disaster. She had this poise and confidence and I felt so insecure and began to compare myself this young woman in her late teens/early 20s- someone who probably didn't even notice me. And what was I accomplishing? Who is she in my life? I felt such a pull toward the negative that I had to stop and collect myself. 

     I don't know what kind of life this young woman may or may not have. But I judged her. And while the judgements I made were all very flattering, I made them with a strong sense of envy for the life I imagined her to have. What about the life I have? What judgements were others making of me as they passed by? So, I decided to list some options.

• She's wearing very comfortable clothes because she needs to be active with her children.
• Her son looks so happy to be snuggled close to her. What a great mother!
• Such beautiful skin- she doesn't even need to wear make-up!
• She looks thoughtful. Probably a great thinker.
• She's walking at such a quick pace, while carrying her son. What strength! 
• She's been singing songs to her baby and she has a lovely voice.

     I'm only listing the positives here, but trust me, I had a few negative thoughts. I realize I need to get back into consciously thinking about the beauty in life. I've allowed negativity back in and it's not who I want to be. 

   

Day 41

     Forgive me. After my last post, I needed to take some time to digest the past 40 days.

Where do we go from here?

     I am unsure as to how to proceed with this blog. The initial plan was to post a picture and discuss. I'm not sure that the world really needs me to do that every single day. It feels narcissistic to continue in that fashion. I could just be self-conscious. Thoughts?
     This blog in it's current state has forced me to have some very serious conversations with my husband, my family, my friends and myself. Is that enough? Should I try to accomplish something beyond challenging/discussing the standards of beauty? Maybe go beyond myself?
     I think this next phase may be a work in progress as I decide which direction I'd like to go, so please bear with me.
   

Day 40

    It is becoming increasingly hard to find/take pictures of myself that don't involve a kid and I am coming to terms with that. There will be plenty of days in my future when I will wish for my children to be near me, so I am going to soak it all in now. It seemed fitting that I end the 40 Day project with a photo of the boys who make me want to be a better role model. 

If you've ever wondered what I look like first thing in the morning, wonder no more.

     I tried to think about what these past 40 days have been for me- what have I learned? 

• My son can take some pretty great pictures.
• I can look very different from one day to the next.
• Even when I think I'm at my worst, it's possible to find something about myself that is beautiful.
• Almost everyone feels the way I have at some point in their lives.
• Vanity can be pretty destructive.
• Treating myself with kindness has lead me to be a kinder person to others. 
• Honesty is amazing.
• Motherhood has infiltrated every area of my life. And I'm OK with that. 
• This project isn't over.

     I cannot stop this now. It's been too good for me- I recently told someone it's the cheapest therapy I've ever been in. And no, I'm not being sarcastic! I want to continue this idea of looking at each day through a photograph and sharing that with the world. 

     So, hopefully you won't mind if I continue to put myself out there. I hope you try it, too!

Day 39

     My haircare and maintenance schedule used to be pretty rock solid. I'd get my hair highlighted or colored before the roots got bad and I would make sure to trim my hair often to keep the ends neat. Now I'm lucky if it's washed.

Awkward/backward hair selfie

     Today, after much deliberation, I decided to go back to blonde. I thought that brunette would suit me better and I was under the impression that my hair was getting darker anyway. However, it turns out the color is going in the opposite direction....

     A few months ago I found my first grey hair. I texted my sister immediately with a picture of the offending hair. How could this happen? I had never seen a grey hair on my head ever, yet here was this long white strand that said otherwise. Of course, once you find one, you search your head daily to see if there are others. And there are. Many more! I had never noticed them before but clearly this did not happen overnight.
     The grey doesn't bother me too much- it's the idea of maintaining the darker color that gets me most upset. I haven't have a hair cut since before Ben was born and haven't had my color done in 6 months. Therefore, I decided to go back to blonde with highlights in the hopes of gracefully accepting the grey.

     So, I must address the age old questions- Do blondes have more fun? I never really noticed a difference, but I'm thinking/hoping that maybe the greys might!

Day 38

     So, this is my stomach.

"All right Mr. DeMille, I'm [not quite] ready for my close-up," 

     Having children affects many areas of the body, but one of the most obvious and "public" places is the abdominal region. How many magazine covers do we see of celebrities showing off their bikini-ready bodies just 6 weeks after giving birth? It was so refreshing to see Princess Kate leave the hospital with a normal post-partum belly- then the magazines had to ruin it for me when they showed pictures of her "toned abs" as she played volleyball with school children a few months later. Of course I know that I didn't look like her to begin with, but since our sons share the same birthday and the media loves to follow the royal couple, I can't help but compare myself a little.

     Anyway, I am showing my belly here because I'm actually pretty proud of what I have accomplished through Pilates and exercise. I still have a way to go until I feel comfortable with the lower abdominal region, but I'm getting there. 

     The real struggle for me is going to be when we travel to Las Vegas at the end of next month. Somehow I need to gear myself up to wear a swimsuit in public. But hey, if I can post a picture on the internet that reveals my stomach for all to see, stepping out in a bikini probably isn't so bad! 

Day 37

     So this is technically supposed to be a #tbt edition, but how could I not share this photo?

This may be the happiest I've looked sitting at a piano

     Music. It's my life, it's the air I breathe, it runs through my veins, but somehow I still find myself so intimidated when surrounded by professionals. I know making music gives me joy- the kind of joy Ben is demonstrating above- but I'm never quite sure of myself.

     I don't know where I belong in the musical world. I started out in choir, fell in love with musical theater, trained to be a classical/operatic singer and then ended up in the general music/choral classroom in elementary and middle school. I guess I feel like a jack of all trades, master of none. 

     

     So, tonight  I rehearsed with a choir for the Broadway Battles Bullying benefit that I previously wrote about and I totally freaked out on the train ride in. I sat in the back back row with my pencil ready and my music already learned (both alto and soprano). Within moments of starting rehearsal, I knew I was where I needed to be. The exhilaration of singing this glorious music with others who feel so passionate about the cause of the benefit brought me to tears, although thank goodness I was able to control myself and not sob like a crazy person! 

     

     Professional self confidence is a topic I think I need to approach. For now, I am content to look at the joy on our faces as "we" practiced the music. And I look forward to seeing the joy on faces in the audience when this music is performed! 

     

     

Day 36

      Another beautiful day, another beautiful walk. 

Would you believe he was crying 2 second before the camera came out?

     I met up with my friend today for a long overdue coffee and conversation. I miss her so much, and we don't even live that far from one another. I hate that I get so distracted with everything that before I know it, four months have passed. Seriously, FOUR MONTHS!!!
     We had a great time strolling through her neighborhood and catching up on the happenings of our lives. I value our friendship so much and couldn't imagine these past 16+ years without her.

     OK, so I know based on my post last night, I probably should have shared something that involved "me time", but I had a beautiful afternoon with a beautiful friend. And that's something that makes me feel so good and so normal. 
     
     Plus she took this gorgeous picture of me in my pre-pregnancy jeans ;-) 

Day 35

     I'm exhausted.

Jim knew this was a blog worthy moment.

     I couldn't quite figure out what it was that wore me down today, but something did.

     I went for a five mile walk today with Ben. We walked into town, stopped in some stores, visited the library, read some books and then walked back. It was absolutely beautiful outside and the perfect anecdote to the harsh winter we experienced here in the North East. During the walk I thought to myself how much better I feel when I'm out in the sunshine.
     Post-partum depression hit me hard with both kids and unfortunately for me, that period also coincided with some nasty winter weather that kept us inside. As I walked through town and breathed in the fresh air, I contemplated how difficult those months were.
     No one prepares you for the tidal wave of emotions and hormones that hit you after childbirth, but honestly, how could they? It's something unique to each individual and each pregnancy. And it doesn't always happen right away, and there are peaks and valleys.
     I know my triggers and I know when I'm losing control. Today I had such a nice walk and felt so peaceful but as soon as we got back in the house I saw the pile of clothes that needed to be folded, the dishes that needed to be washed, the dinner that needed to be cooked, the mail that needed to be gone through- I felt the anxiety building in my stomach. As soon and I put Ben down to begin cooking, he started crying. When Lucas and Jim came home, two more people wanted my attention. There were too many tasks and people who wanted me to focus on them and I couldn't take it- I can't take it. I absolutely shut down. And this is happening more and more frequently.

     But the good thing is I realize this and I am going to start putting my foot down. I need "me time". A few moments in the day when I am alone and can focus on no one else but myself. I can't even remember the last time I went to the bathroom in this house without someone watching me, cheering me on, or banging on the locked door.
     So, it starts tonight and I am hold myself accountable.

Day 34

     Did you ever wonder what you looked like when running?

     Well stop wondering, because unless you're some sort of graceful gazelle, it isn't good.

If I wasn't concentrating on taking this picture, I could totally run a 7 minute mile.

     I don't know what possessed me to take this picture today. Maybe it's because my pictures haven't been highlighting the physical appearance issues I wanted to tackle. Whatever the reason, this is a real doozy!
     I am stopping myself right now before I start critiquing the picture. I'm not mentioning anything I'm concerned with. I'm throwing all that negativity out.
     I ran 5k in 35 minutes. I'm getting there. I had glimpses of speed. I finally told myself to suck it up and start pushing. I have been insisting that I couldn't run faster than 5mph because of nursing (that it would hurt my supply). Ben is 8 months old, eating three meals a day and I've been doing just fine- that was an excuse, and no more excuses. So today I did interval training and started to pick up speed. It felt fantastic and I'm super sore- but the run was worth it. It's even worth looking like this while I'm doing it!

Day 33

     Weekends used to be for relaxing. This morning I told Lucas that before we had him, Daddy and I used to sleep in late, watch sports on TV and go out with our friends on the weekend. He laughed and told me that was silly.

Those aren't dairy-free

     We used to be silly. The past ten and half years have been a lot of fun, but there has also been a lot of "growing up"- and a lot quicker than we wanted. I often feel like during our difficult times in 2009, we lost a lot of what made us "us". Does that make sense? I like to think my husband and I are pretty funny people, but we got a lot more serious than we used to be.
     This weekend was filled with housework, yard work, a sick kid, a cranky kid and a few beers/glasses of wine. We try to make the best of things, but obviously we aren't going out on the town like we used to- not that it's a bad thing, just our reality. Tonight, I really wanted to get an area rug and new lamp for our bedroom, so we ran to Target after we dropped of the tiller my husband rented at Home Depot.... Ugh, just writing this sentence makes me cringe- who are we? Anyway, I had Ben in the stroller and Jim had Lucas in the cart. As we both walked toward the store, I declared a race and we nearly knocked over families (at 8pm) with our squealing children (who happened to be dressed in their pjs) to see who could make it to the door first. It was such a silly and happy moment. The kind of moment that used to fill our days when it was just the two of us.
     When we got home, put the kids to bed, put away our purchases and placed a grocery order, I went to get my dairy-free dessert from the freezer as my reward for the weekend and found the box full of rainbow Goldfish, my husband laughing behind me.
     I can't quite explain why, but this makes me so happy. It actually might be my favorite moment from the weekend. I know we will spend the rest of our lives doing silly things to make each other smile.
     I am so very lucky to have found my this amazing man to share my life with.

Day 32

     I want to look you in the eye and tell you something.

No concealer, no make-up, no problem.

     Thank you. 

     In the past week I have received emails, phone calls, texts- even a package in the mail! All of these have been messages of support and encouragement for what I am attempting to do with this blog, which is basically present myself in an honest way. I never imagined it would get the reaction it has. I am so amazed by the response I have received this far along into the project and I am seriously considering continuing this beyond the 40 days. I've never really thought of myself as anything other than a musician and the reaction I'm getting to my writing has me rethinking that label. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

     On to the picture. I've noticed that in my interactions with others I have begun avoiding eye contact. I don't know why- it may be that I'm self conscious of the frazzled state I'm in or maybe I'm just distracted. Either way, starting today I'm going to make the effort to look people in the eye more. If I'm talking to you, feel free to call me out if I'm not making eye contact. I want people to know I'm listening and am engaged in the conversation. I think I've lost that, but I'm going to work on getting it back. 

     

Day 31

     Sick babies are special kind of cuddly.

Yes, that's a beer. Now you know these photos aren't staged.

     We've been very lucky with Ben. While we've faced some issues with him being a preemie and in the NICU, as well as all the dairy allergy problems, he hasn't been sick. Until now. 

     Last night we were woken up at midnight with screaming and we discovered he had a temp of 103.6. I had taken him to the doctor earlier in the day because of a 101 fever and crankiness, which is so unlike him. Lucas always seemed to have something involving a fever so during this lull we'd forgotten about the late nights of sweaty, tearful, cranky cuddling. No one slept well- except for Lucas who is really learning to stay asleep through the screaming- and the day was just as miserable. It seems the only thing that makes Ben comfortable is cuddling, nursing or sleeping. 

     I could be frustrated that his sickness is hampering our weekend plans. We wanted to see the opening of my friend's art show tonight at a local coffee shop and we may have to cancel a visit with my sister tomorrow. But, it is what it is and the most important thing is that we get him comfortable and feeling better soon. There is only a short time in his life where cuddling with mommy will solve his problems. I am going to try my best to keep that perspective when I'm holding him at 2am...

Day 30

     It's #tbt...

      I like to think I was into DIY before it got really cool. For our wedding, I made these frames with the table numbers and put corresponding pictures of us at that age. We both felt bad for tables 13, 14 and 15. But the others were pretty adorable! 

Now you know where our kids get their good looks from.

    

     I was looking through old photos and found this and was amazed at what a beautiful combination our children are of the both of us. I remember looking through our childhood photos together and joking around that we were going to make gorgeous children one day. Now, here we are- I can see Ben's chin and smile in my husband and Lucas's & Ben's cheeks in myself. Also, clearly they were both going to have a ton of hair- a bald baby was never in the cards. 

     Isn't it mind blowing to see yourself in the life you've created? 

   

     

Day 29

     Today was a beautiful day for a walk through town.

Ben is wearing the "wizard hat" my students bought him. And I'm wearing the head scarf because I didn't shower yet.  

     I love walking where we live because there are so many different types of homes. From quaint capes and bungalows to mid-century compounds and historic brick mansions, you can see pretty much every type of house imaginable. This also means the people are pretty diverse as well, so it's been a little tough finding young professionals with children the same age as ours. This may be because we live on a main road or because I'm bad at socializing. But that's a story for another day because...

     We met someone! At first, I walked by a woman who appeared to be the same age as me and sort of waved. She had a baby in a stroller and another kid was running around. I guess I could have stopped to talk, but do people do that? I got nervous and kept on going. Once Ben and I made it to the park, he tried out and hated the swing, so we turned around and headed home. I passed by the woman again and this time we were both on the sidewalk on the same side of the street, so we pretty much had to talk. 

     Thank goodness Ben is so smiley because he really helps me break the ice. It started out with me smiling at her baby and asking how old she was and continued with her complimenting my wrap (a Maya wrap for those who are interested), which I think was mommy-speak for "maybe we could be friends". It turns out our kids are approximately the same age and would therefore be in the same grades at the same elementary school and we live right around the block from each other. 

     The conversation was pleasant and she didn't seem to mind the vomit that was all over Ben, myself and my wrap, so I guess that's good sign! I introduced ourselves and got her name and that of the neighbor from across the street. When I said good-bye and headed home after a few jokes about potty training and the kids sleeping in my bed, I quickly typed her name and the names of her kids into my phone so I would remember them. I'm not trying to be stalkerish, but I had already forgotten the name of the woman who lived across the street- hey, 1 for 2 isn't that bad! Now I'm planning my next walk to casually pass by her house so we can talk again. 

     Ben and I are really trying to be social. I get to the gym, I've made some great friends through a local mom group and I try to go out when we can. Before I was a mom, I never imagined how difficult it would be to get out of the house. There are nap times to consider and colds/teething/general bad moods. With Lucas I just hung around and it wasn't good for either of us which is why despite the vomit and the return of that head scarf, I'm really excited about venturing out of the home today and meeting someone new! 

Day 28

     This is a going to be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Pun intended.

Hmm, I think I need a pedicure

     There it is. My current weight. No estimating, no rounding down, no hiding it. I am 164.2 lbs. 

     I remember my weight from almost every stage of my life-

• 11 years old- 100 lbs
• 12 years old- 120 lbs
• 13 years old- 140+ lbs
• 14 years old- 160-175 lbs
• 15 years old- 130 lbs
• 16 years old- 120 lbs
• 18 years old- 125 lbs
• 21 years old- 170+ lbs
• 25 years old- 130 lbs
• 30 years old- 190+ lbs (Pregnant with Lucas)
• 33 years old- 150 lbs- 189 lbs (Pregnant with Ben) 

     Are you noticing a trend? My weight has fluctuated my entire life. There was a point when I was gaining 20 lbs a year. It's been a tough road to get where I am today. When I have been my most physically fit I was 140 lbs and that's the place I am happiest. But I need to be honest with myself in that I will probably never have the time to devote myself to physical fitness like I used to. Of course I will get back into shape, but let's be honest- 2 hours at the gym 6 days a week plus a long run or 1+ hours 3-4 days, a family run and play time with my kids? I choose the later, and I must accept that my weight is taking longer to come off this time around.

     So there it is folks- my weight for all the world to see. This actually feels pretty fantastic to own up to! 

Day 27

     I should probably never have a nice car again.

Those coffee stains are probably from 2013...

     I went to Target today like every other stay-at-home mom in America does. It's just so easy to navigate with a baby. I know where everything is, I can buy baby items, food items, cleaning supplies, yoga pants and adorable house decor all in one place. Plus there is a Starbucks, so it's pretty much the best place ever. 

     On my way out I had a quick but lovely conversation with the woman parked next to me. Turns out she also has two boys and we bonded over the shared experiences of potty training and sibling rough housing. We said good-bye and got in our respective cars but neither of us moved. I glanced over after a few minutes and saw and we were both sitting in our driver seats eating a snack, drinking our coffee and staring off into space. 

     Cars are both a source of relaxation and terror when you've got young children. When the kids are content or even asleep, you can listen to your favorite music, drink a HOT cup of coffee and not worry about anyone touching you. When they are screaming or crying, you cannot get me out of the car fast enough. 

     My car has teething toys, gloves, coats, dirt, snacks, old coffee cups, new coffee cups, baby carriers, dirt, changes of clothes (for all of us), books, toys-did I mention dirt?- just about everything you'd imagine. To put it bluntly, this vehicle is a disaster zone. It's not the adorable orange convertible Beetle that I previously owned, but it is my space and I love it- provided no one screaming! 

     

Day 26

     After an insane week of rehearsals and performances, "The Wizard of Oz" is over and I'm cuddled up with my boys.

Lazy Sundays are the best.

     Yes, one is in a cranky mood and covering his ears because the smoke alarm was too loud (something dripped in the oven) and the other is naked (he vomited all over himself), while I'm unshowered and sleep deprived. However, I think this may be one of my most favorite photographs of me with the boys. It's so real- this is what Sunday mornings look like and I love them!

Day 25

     It was only a matter of time before I posted a picture of breastfeeding. After all, my life pretty much revolves around feeding this kid.

  I'm beginning to think Lucas has an eye for photography.

     Nursing is something I personally feel very strongly about- even more so with Ben and his diary allergies. However, I could quite frankly care less about how anyone else feeds their baby! No judgement here if you formula feed or if you nurse well into the toddler years. Each family gets to make that choice on their own and I would never pressure or shame a mother over their decision.
     When Lucas was born, I was so uncomfortable and afraid of nursing in public. I felt like I had to hide every time I fed him- in the back of the car, in a bathroom- hidden so as not to offend others. And I was very insecure about his weight gain and whether or not he was getting enough to eat. Nursing made me crazy and I'm sure there were at least a dozen times I wanted to give up. As time passed by, I got more comfortable and learned to respond to the needs of my son. I realized I was doing everything just fine and I needed to calm the heck down.
     Now with Ben, I've reached a whole new level of comfort. I nurse where ever and whenever he needs to eat and I generally do not use a cover as Ben likes his open space. I'm so proud of how far I've come and I've learned that it really isn't as big of a deal as we make it out to be. Last week I had conversations with teenagers while nursing Ben and either they didn't realize or they didn't care. I love how I've been able to bond with and nourish my children and how I don't let that hold me back from living a "normal" life like I did in the beginning of my breastfeeding experience.

     A woman's body can do some amazing and beautiful things! Why should we hide this?

Day 24

     Most mornings I wake up and imagine I must be some sort of rock star.

     I feel like I'm constantly hungover. There's usually vomit. I may or may not be topless. My body aches. And I never know where the bruises all over my body came from.

Yes, I just posted a close up shot of my bruised thigh. 

     I wish I had attended an epic party the night before, but it's all the result of a toddler who likes to sneak into our bed, a baby who still nurses at night, and walking into various objects/furniture at 3am when woken by the crying baby. What's worse is that Ben doesn't even have teeth yet. All the photos I have of myself from the first 3 years of Lucas's life include bite marks on my neck and arms. So I have that to look forward to!

     Still, these marks indicate an active life with children and I don't need to be self conscious or explain them to anyone.

Day 23

This #tbt is one that I've thought long and hard about. It's not the picture below that I want to talk about, but what happened in the years beforehand that lead me to this place. Sharing this post is probably the hardest thing I've done thus far on this blog. I honestly don't know how some of my readers will react. Please know I am OK. 

Rich was one of those music friends who gave me a sense of belonging- he was everything to me during those formative teenage years

     I often count my blessings that I am not a teenager in this day and age. I cannot imagine what life would be like growing up with Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and whatever other social media sites/apps exist. I barely made it through middle school and all I dealt with was playground taunting, handwritten notes and three-way phone calls.
     Around the end of 4th grade I began having issues with weight and self esteem. I can vividly recall moments during those preteen years where my appearance was ridiculed and mocked. As a ten year old I learned I had "gross blubber belly", I was "fat", "fake" and "ugly". It snowballed from there and I began to hate myself. I'd refer to some of my diary entries but I shredded all of those in my 20s. I read them while cleaning out my room one day and had to destroy the evidence that I ever felt so terribly about myself.
     As a young teenager I didn't know who I was or where I belonged. I tried to shadow the people I thought were cool and as any unpopular kid can tell you, that usually doesn't work. I wasn't finding my place in middle school and my self esteem was dropping further. I knew I was a joke. I heard it. I saw it. I felt it. It's an experience that stuck to me and won't ever leave.
     I hit rock bottom in eighth grade. I won't go into details, because quite frankly, what would that accomplish? But I will admit that I seriously contemplated ending my life. I felt worthless and couldn't see how I would ever belong. Something stopped me from taking action and I will never forget that moment, sitting at the kitchen table, when I realized I was worth the struggle and that I would find my place.
     I'm sure it's no surprise that when I entered HS, I found the place I needed to be- the choir/band room. The friends I made through my musical endeavors lifted me up without even knowing it. To you all, I simply cannot express my thanks for being there. Of course there were typical teenage-drama moments, but I knew these kids were my "family" and would be there for me. I never felt that desperation that haunted me in eighth grade once I found my place in music.
     I share this story because times are so different for kids now. Rumors once whispered on the playground are now posted on the Internet for all to see. Kids are ridiculed by acquaintances and Internet-strangers alike. My heart breaks for children who grow up where this is the norm.
One of those kids is an 11 year old named Michael Morones who was viciously bullied. Rich, my date to the junior prom pictured above, is producing a benefit concert for a foundation set up in the wake of the young man's suicide attempt. He's 11 years old and felt his only way out was to end his life. This tragedy is immense and some good must come out of this heartbreaking situation. Please visit these websites to read about the Michael Morones Foundation and the Broadway Battles Bullying Benefit Concert on April 14th. There will be many talented Broadway performers and I'll even be singing in the choir.
   
     But most importantly, treat each other well and instill kindness in your children so that no family has to endure what Michael's family is experiencing.

Michael Morones Foundation

Broadway Battles Bullying

Day 22

     A timely post has not been a top priority these past few nights. Wednesday was a perfect example of why we can't have it all. Or at least why I can't.

I just got home from the final dress rehearsal for Wizard of Oz. With Ben. And he hasn't slept in 8 hours.

   
     What am I doing? How can I give 100% of myself 100% of the time? It's just not possible.
   
     Tonight I showed 50 high school students how having a baby changes everything. I had an arsenal of supplies- a chair, two carriers, a stroller, toys, food- and none of it mattered. Ben wanted my complete attention and I couldn't give it to him. He somewhat tolerated the setup in the beginning, but by the end he was in a complete meltdown that lasted through most of the car ride home.
     The students were great and they tried to entertain him, but it became increasingly clear that I needed help with the makeup & hair as well. I delegated responsibilities to the students, which is one of the more difficult things I've done.
     I don't ask for help. Ever. So the fact that I asked teenagers to help with my son and my responsibilities as supervisor of hair and makeup really upset me. And neither went exactly as I wanted, but missions were accomplished.
     So as I looked at the clock when I pulled into my driveway, the gut reaction was to berate myself for not getting it all done tonight. My gut reaction needs to be "you seem overwhelmed, why don't you call someone and ask for assistance?" I need to be kind to myself not only in regards to physical appearance, but also life in general.

     And now I will be kind to myself and pass out!

Day 21

     When I was younger, my friends frequently commented on the roundness of cheeks. One friend in particular used to tell me I looked like a Cabbage Patch Kid. In hindsight I'm sure she meant it in the kindest way possible, but when you are an overweight kid who is already self conscious, it's hard to take any comments about your "round" appearance in a positive way.
     I think I grew into them as I got older.
   

Wait, was this post about my enormous cheeks or my enormous nose? 

     On three separate occasions in the past two days, Ben began to panic as he was falling asleep. The first time I was exhausted from feeding him, so I leaned down and put my cheek to his. Almost instantly his body relaxed, his breathing slowed and the crying stopped.
     Physical contact with his mommy's face was all my baby needed. Those chubby cheeks that embarrassed me as a kid were now comforting the chubby cheeks of my perfect little boy. Cheeks that looked just like mine.

It's amazing that the human touch can be so powerful. Maybe I am supermom after all!

Day 20

     I always thought I had "the look" down pat. When students misbehave, I just give them "the look" and they get it together. If my husband starts making fun of me or gets on my case, I just raise my eyebrows and he backs off.
     Tonight I inadvertently took a picture of myself giving "the look" toward Jim as he had a conversation with his brother. It turns out people weren't backing off because of my serious expression.
     Apparently they were shocked by my ability to age 10 years in just a few seconds.

Well at least you can't see my crow's feet. 

     Wow. I had no idea my face did this. To be fair I'm on my 4th or 5th sleepless night (I've lost count at this point) and I had done some demo makeup on my face for the play tonight and didn't wash it off very well. But no matter what, the truth is that I am getting older.
     I never thought much about my skin aging because I wear sunscreen and take care of myself. Plus, I still get occasional adult acne and old people don't get acne! I guess I'm going to have to confront this. Do I start to seriously invest in the anti-aging skin care products or do I take my lines for what they are- signs of a life well lived?
     I don't know that I can definitively answer this question, but my gut response is that my lines are beautiful because they are real and they reflect my experiences. I wouldn't be doing myself any favors by erasing the evidence of the passage of time.

This is my face. This is me. This is honest. This is beautiful.