I really miss the soaking tub we had in our old house
I've reached the "get this the f*** over with" stage of pregnancy. I know this is one of the most insensitive things a pregnant woman can possibly say, especially at 32 weeks, but unfortunately it's my truth. I remember wanting to punch pregnant women who complained about discomfort and anxiety during the frustrating times when I was longing for a viable pregnancy. I literally wanted to slap them. How dare they complain about a foot kicking their ribs or their inability to sleep. Did they know how lucky they were? Obviously they were just ungrateful women and I hated them.
Then, I experienced very difficult pregnancies that resulted in beautiful babies being handed to me. And I realized that I was being a bitch. I apologize profusely to the women who never knew that I secretly wanted to scream at them. They had every right to complain. Pregnancy sucks. The outcome is glorious, but the process can be one of the worst experiences you will ever go through.
I spend most of my time trying to find a way to be in the least pain possible. I don't sleep much anymore and I'm not very mobile. I was recently in the hospital for preterm labor, but luckily after multiple doses of steroids, medications and injections, they were able to slow the contractions. I'm on these new meds in addition to the weekly injections and my contractions have been fairly controlled- but they never go away, hence the no sleeping and constant pain.
Also, did I mention I now have gestational diabetes? The fun never seems to end with this one…
We knew this would be tough, but never expected things to go this crazy. I've been on bed rest for 5 months. I am isolated, lonely, uncomfortable, exhausted and ready for this to be over. Every time my contractions get to 6 minutes apart, I not-so-secretly wish that this is the time things will get real. But, I lay down, drink my water, do my breathing and eventually after another dose of the medicine, I realize I won't be having this baby yet. And I cry.
I've already experienced a NICU stay. I know that a baby born at 32 weeks would be more difficult. I've watched friends go through the unthinkable and I am truly grateful for every extra minute this child stays put. But I'm tired of being a vessel for this baby and not much else. I want to interact with humans. You know it's bad when start engaging in friendly conversation with the insurance folks on the phone because you just want to talk to someone.
My husband asked me the other day if I had been blogging and I told him I just couldn't get motivated to write anything. Maybe it's because I'm tired of saying "I'm hanging in" and "the end is in sight". I need to say that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I will never do this again. NEVER!!!!!! This child will be worth every bit of sacrifice and will complete our family, but I'd be lying if I said there was never a moment when I questioned our decision to have another child biologically. That's a really difficult thing to admit, especially having gone through so much loss to get to this point.
