Day 12.2

     Facebook reminded me once again that three years ago, I was clueless. I thought I was exhausted- I even used the term "blissfully exhausted". I've since discovered, that's not a real thing. I usually can't stand the parents who tell you "you think this is hard? Just wait!" and then they laugh knowingly that you are in for it. But they are right. Just as I know the more seasoned parents reading this are shaking their own heads as I reflect on my little guy turning 4.

Just a typical kid trying to squirm away from his mom

     Today one of the teachers at daycare told me that Ben reminded her of an elegant old man. I'm completely serious. The emotional, long haired, super hero loving, perpetually loud and messy little boy that our friends lovingly refer to as "Kegger" is also like an elegant old man. And the amazing thing is that she's absolutely right. This child defies stereotypes and could never be placed in a box. He will tell you that he is the fastest person in the world and race you to prove it. He refuses haircuts because he loves his long hair. He can identify every vehicle at a construction site and then build them for you using his older brother's Legos. He can make his sister laugh harder than anyone else can, even though I'm pretty sure she's slightly terrified of him. His dance moves are creative and always stylistically appropriate for the music they accompany. I prefer his version of "Gold on the Ceiling" and I love the Black Keys, so that's saying a lot.
     I don't know if it's the fact that life over these past two years has completely overwhelmed me, but I haven't really been aware of his transformation from a baby into a kid. I turned around, and he was growing up. I don't want him to be the middle child that gets overlooked. But really, no one says that they want to ignore their kid. Things get in the way. An older child starts school, a new baby is born, family roles change. I think I was conscious of his aging, but I wasn't able to appreciate it because of my own issues.
   
     Let's be honest, it's not Ben that was overlooked. It's me. I used to make time for writing and reflection. I used to strive for personal/emotional/spiritual growth. Now I hope for 4 good hours of sleep a night and anything else is a bonus. My kids are front and center. I haven't remotely neglected any of these kids. However, I've neglected me.
     Three years has found a lot of changes in my life. Another child threw things out of whatever balance they had-and it wasn't much. As I prepare to wake up to a four year old tomorrow, I'm not feeling the same optimistic hopefulness as I did three years ago. Of course we will celebrate and enjoy our time together, but I know there will be meltdowns from at least 4 out of 5 family members. Yet, life will go on. Years from now, he will look back on his birthday weekend and remember a few special moments. I will do my best to make sure they are the same kinds of beautiful memories like
I've captured of him over these past four years.

Day 11.2

It's too loud here.

Fingers in my ears can't drown out this noise

     I swear the kids spend at least 5 hours a day screaming. This is not an exaggeration. And the thing is, they don't do it all at the same time. It's spread out over the course of a day. However, in the above picture, they happen to all be screaming at the same time. I can't even remember why.

     How do people do this? I swear, it just gets more difficult each day. I love these kids. We both agree that they are amazing, but the 3 on 2 thing just isn't working. Is there another parent we can rent to help us out?

     I know, everyone tells me... it gets worse. But it also gets easier. And if I didn't want insanity, why have three? And 8 years ago, didn't I envy every family with children? 8 years ago wasn't I cursing my uterus?

     The journey into parenthood has been ugly, beautiful, imperfect, joyful, insane, painful, and messy. I thought it would get better as I figured out what I was doing, but it's only getting tougher and I still haven't figured much out. Well, I'm positive that I have a real love/hate relationship with the sound of my screaming children.