Day 22.2

     Every once in a while, we need to give ourselves a shout out.

The relief of a clean bill of health

     Today, I did something for me. Now, I am not going to get into the details, but I had an issue that I could have easily put to the side and not taken care of because it was just easier to focus on the needs of others-especially during this time of year. Instead, I put away my pride and made my health first priority.
     This afternoon, I sat on the couch in our new family room and enjoyed the remaining sunlight before attempting to tackle the laundry (5 loads and no end in sight as of this posting). I could have gotten frustrated with myself, or annoyed at the circumstances surrounding the day, but I'm choosing to embrace the fact that for the first time in a long time, I put myself ahead of others' expectations of me. I can't remember the last time I felt like I had even the slightest bit of control- apparently taking care of myself can help with that!

     I think this is one of my most empowering moments of 2017.

Day 21.2

     Try as I might, depression shows it's ugly head. I blame the holidays... sick kids... never ending home construction...the fact that a 21 month old is sleeping in a crib, two feet from my head...work stress...lack of exercise...this stupid, stupid world we live in...

I wonder what I would do if I was faced with an active shooter situation.

   

     Why aren't more people in America OUTRAGED that I as a teacher have to think about this EVERY FUCKING DAY?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That I practice how I will get the door locked in the quickest way possible? That I set up my classroom so we can easily escape if needed-or easily hide? That I've mentally prepared myself to do anything necessary to protect the students that I've been entrusted with?

     I wonder how a gun lobbyist would feel after experiencing a lockdown with 25 panicked 7 year olds. What words would they use to soothe a frightened child? I've held hands with sobbing students during surprise precautionary drills. This is the screwed up norm that we face in America because for some reason our elected officials can't address this crisis.

     5 YEARS.

     Nothing I type out seems to articulate what I am trying to say. I just want to scream. I want to punch something. I am so angry.

     Nothing has changed.

     Yet everything has changed. 5 years ago, I had one child. Now that child has gone through his first grade year. THOSE KIDS NEVER DID.

WHY HAVEN'T WE ADDRESSED THIS?????????????????

     I am so mad. Every single day there is something else this fucked up world hands to us on a silver gold platter to lose our minds over. And every single day the Sandy Hook families live with loss.


I don't have anything productive to write tonight. I don't feel any better having written a slew of curse words and sentences in all caps. Nothing can make this feeling OK.

How do we find hope when this all seems so hopeless?

Day 20.2

     Like many others, I'm limping across the finish line of the disaster that is 2017. 

     WTF?!?! Where do I even start? The politics? The mass shootings? White supremacist marches? #metoo? Natural disasters and hurricanes? 

     I think for me, the most painful part of 2017 has to do with mental illness. 

Anyone else tired of this shit?

     Someone inexplicably murders innocent people in a mass shooting and the conversations that follow focus on mental health issues- not gun control. The president posts incoherent tweets and the world questions on his mental health. People speak out on the injustices in the world and they are labeled "crazy snowflakes".

     The news is dominated by stories of powerful men using their positions to sexually assault women. Or those who use their positions to deny basic rights to people of color, members of the LGBTQ community, and those of a lower socioeconomic status. Instability in the Middle East, tensions among nuclear powers...

If you didn't already have depression and anxiety, it wouldn't be surprising if you do now! 

     So much of the conversation surrounding mental health has been when it is used as a scapegoat for the travesties we see before us. The mental health of American citizens is something we discuss only after tragedy strikes. We never celebrate the accomplishments of someone who battles their demons everyday. We don't acknowledge the strength it takes to get out of bed each day when the world sees mental illness as a defect. Fuck. I really have no idea how I do it half the time.

     There are millions of us out here doing the hard work in therapy. Getting our prescriptions filled- and taking those meds. There are millions of supportive families who drive us to appointments when we can't do it ourselves and have the really tough conversations even when we don't want to. 

Those who fight this battle alongside us. 

     This year has been unbearable at times. I've had more anxiety attacks than I care to recount. I'm feeling broken. Some aspects of my life have been repaired. Others have a long way to go. I've hated myself with a passion and anger that scares me, yet I've also fallen in love the person I have become- mental illness included. 

     A huge source of strength for me has been finding my purpose again in music. 

Teaching, singing, listening. 

     I want to spend these last few weeks of 2017 compiling some playlists of the songs that have gotten us through the year. The songs that calm us when we feel the weight of the battles we have yet to fight (literal and figurative), the songs that give us the power to resist, the songs that give us the energy to push through the hard days, the ones that inspire joy- heck, even the ones that turn us on and help bring us some much needed intimacy.

Share your songs and let's set ourselves up with a inspiring soundtrack for 2018. 

We've got a lot of work to do...