I now watch the news with a permanent look of disgust and tension.
I'd say this isn't the job I signed up for, but that is not entirely accurate. You see, I was in college during the Columbine shooting. I was hired as a teacher after 9/11. I knew that things were different than when I was a student. Along with my new teacher training, I was taught procedures for lockdowns and evacuations. The monthly drills of locking my classroom door, turning off the lights, hiding my students out of sight and pretending that everything is fine, is as routine as taking attendance. The only thing is that as the years have passed, the shootings have continued. The cries for more guns have gotten louder. But would more guns solve the problem? Would stricter gun control laws have any impact? Perhaps it's time for a different approach.
Today my best friend/coworker/other half and I were interviewed on the issue of guns in the classrooms. I struggled with the comments I really wanted to make, because I wasn't sure if they could be taken out of context. The truth is, I wanted to share my real concern with categorizing all of these shootings as the products of a mentally ill individual who had access to weapons because 20 years ago, I was a mentally ill individual who had access to weapons.
As a middle and high school student, I was always aware that I was a little off. Highly emotional, depressed, and anxious. I had trouble with sleep, perfectionist tendencies, and the overwhelming feeling that I wasn't good enough. In my darkest times, I would isolate myself from friends and family. They probably didn't even notice because I got very good at hiding those feelings from the public eye.
Now, my father was a police officer so there were guns in my home. They were locked, but they were available. The thing is, using them to harm myself or someone else simply was not an option. One of the biggest differences I can identify is that I had resources around me that so many of the shooters did not have. Access to guidance counselors, small class sizes so that my teachers knew me, and a sense of community. I was connected to my peers through involvement in music and drama. Despite the fact that I wasn't able to open up and accept my struggles with depression and anxiety at that point in my life, I had a support system around me that I could draw strength from. Just by having those connections, I knew that I was cared for- even if I couldn't care for myself at that moment.
Our schools and teachers have been stripped of the resources we need to help the most troubled students. Our country is completely focused on stopping the shooter in the midst of an attack, but why aren't we focusing on preventing the student from ever getting to the point where a mass shooting seems like the only choice they have? Even if I was armed with a gun and able to kill an attacker before they got to my students, there would still be an unspeakable tragedy. How can we better serve our children so that they realize that they are loved and cared for. so that they feel nurtured and respected, so that they know there is always another option? I have many weapons to use in this crisis- my genuine love and respect for my students, my expertise in social and emotional learning and my belief that we are better when we connect. A gun is simply not an option for me.
Our students do not deserve this reality. I will fight every day from this day forward, with and for them.
