Day 71

     Yesterday I found myself in a panic while I was getting dressed in anticipation of my first progesterone shot. I decided I needed a little bit of encouragement.

Doesn't every 35 year old woman own a pair of these?

     Odd as it may seem, I own quite a few pair of superhero themed underpants. Maybe it's my attempt to connect to my superhero loving children or maybe it's because the further I go into my 30s, the more I appreciate a good pair of cotton briefs/boy shorts. Either way, on days I need extra support, I usually sport a pair of Superman or Wonder Woman underwear. I know it's silly, but we do what we need to, right?
     I went to my doctor in the afternoon and arrived late so I had to wait longer than I would have liked.  Too much time to think is never good for me. I have been pumping myself up for weeks for these shots. I read about all the possible side effects, asked friends for advice and continuously reminded myself that any discomfort I felt now would be better than meeting this child for the first time in a NICU isolette. Still, seeing the little jars of medication and syringes definitely freaked me out. The shot itself was fine, the ride home was uncomfortable and the remainder of the night was painful. Today has been pretty rough as well. Like a friend of mine had warned me, this medication definitely stops you in your tracks. The physical pain I feel now is worth it in comparison to the mental pain I will avoid.
   

Day 70

     I have finally graduated from looking like a bloated mess to pregnant mess.

Lucas's view of mommy

     Despite my frustration with bed rest, the pregnancy is progressing quickly . I feel little kicks and punches from the baby and I no longer fit into my pants. You probably cannot tell, but I am holding these pants together with a rubber band. This is definitely the last time in a long time that I will be able to wear them. Of course I got rid of most of my pregnancy clothes after Ben and I don't want to waste money buying new stuff for wearing around the house. So until I break down, I have two pairs of maternity pants and lots of sweats that will be stretched to their limit.
     I'm now16 weeks and waiting for the progesterone injections to be delivered to my doctor. Tomorrow I go for my first growth ultrasound and cervical length check. Finger crossed for good growth and a closed cervix- is that too much information?
   

Day 69

     Today is #WorldTeachersDay and this is my view.

     How am I going to make it through potentially 25 more weeks of this? I am really starting to struggle with this situation, particularly today. I am an educator in every sense of the word, yet here I am home alone and staring at the ceiling. I'm frustrated, I'm uncomfortable, I'm bored and I'm becoming depressed.
     What impact am I having on the world from my bed? It seems so silly that last April I felt I was burning out of teaching and here I am a few months later lamenting that I am not in the classroom. Teaching is so much a part of my identity that I sometimes wonder who I really am when I am not in front of students.
     Then there is the whole realization that I am not going to be returning to work for some time and I wonder if I will be relevant. Will I matter? Did I matter? Life goes on whether or not I am in those classrooms and I am replaceable. I'm not trying to be dramatic, just honest.
     I know there are those of you out there who may remember me declaring that I would not get pregnant again because this scenario was likely. It's true- I went into this pregnancy with my eyes wide open to the possibility of bed rest and complications. I also know this is temporary.

     No matter how mentally prepared we are for difficult situations, nothing compares to actually living through them.

Day 68

     Today is the first day in weeks that I did not wake up feeling hungover. The morning sickness may be passing, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect!

I am cautiously optimistic that this might be the dawn of a new phase. 

     The bags under my eyes probably tell you that last night was rough one. For a variety of reasons I had a terrible time falling asleep and once I had started to doze off, Lucas came into our room. He had a bad dream and refused to tell me what it was about. This is the first time he's ever verbalized having a bad dream and my heart broke! I took him back to bed and laid down with him. All I wanted was to hold him and take away his pain. Whatever it was, he felt so terrible and I couldn't fix it.
   
     We talked about things that made him happy- his family, playing with Legos, daddy making breakfast. His sweet innocence kills me. I wanted to stop time and capture this moment forever, because I know these days will pass quicker than I'd like them to.

     I've been dealing with this pregnancy and the difficulty of parenting two young children by saying "this is a phase, it will pass". I have been so focused on getting through this that I am missing the everyday beauty with my family.
     This is a phase, and it will pass, and I need to be present. I should experience the lows as well as the highs and appreciate all that my family is at this moment in time, not just what it will be in the future.

Day 67

     We knew going into this pregnancy that chances were fairly high that I would be on bed rest because of the preterm labor and birth of Ben. Wishful thinking on my part that it wouldn't happen so soon.

A rare gentle and cozy moment with both of my boys. 

     I had high hopes for myself. This time would be different. I would exercise throughout the pregnancy, work until December and I'd be present in the boys' daily activities. I'm not sure if the car accident was the catalyst or if this was coming all along, but I'm disappointed. No matter how mentally you are prepared for difficult situation, the reality sucks.

    At my appointment on Monday my doctor and I made plans. I will be off my feet as much as possible to help with the cramping and pain- complete bed rest if needed. Beginning at week 16 I will receive weekly progesterone shots, most likely until week 37. I also have an MFM consult set up as well as frequent ultrasounds. I want to emphasize that the baby is doing great, it's just that my body (specifically my uterus) isn't totally cooperating.

     While the seriousness of the situation is starting to sink in, I know we are being proactive and not reactive, which is great. Going into the second trimester with a plan for preventing preterm labor is a lot better than dealing with it as it happens, which should keep both the baby and me healthy and safe. I'm frustrated about work, as I do love the kids and the people I work with. However, I know we are doing the right thing. And my rest during the day will definitely allow me to be a better mom and wife in the evening to Ben, Lucas and Jim.

     So, these next few months will give me lots of time for writing, reading, and finding the beauty in even difficult moments such as these.

Day 66

It's been a week since I dropped the "bombshell" news that our family is expanding.

Me and my kids

     I struggled from the moment that I knew I was pregnant with when to share the news. Having gone through this before, my body went right to work expanding my waistline, despite my inability to keep anything down- isn't nature amazing? I'm sure I perceive my body changes much more than those around me, but my physical state seems so obvious, especially due to the morning all-day sickness. How could anyone see my constant gagging as anything other than pregnancy?

     My previous pregnancies also make me terrified. Every time someone announces their pregnancy in the first trimester, my heart jumps for them. I hate my instincts to keep the news to myself, to wait until that magical 12 week mark. Even seeing the tiny baby in my belly at 7 weeks with a strong heartbeat and hearing that heartbeat at 9 weeks still didn't convince me that I should publicly announce our family's news.

     Then, I had a serious car accident on the way to work.

     I never felt as strong as I did the moment I realized my car was about to slam into another and there was nothing I could do to avoid it. I knew there was NO way I would let my child get hurt. The strength I used to prevent myself from flying forward and into the seatbelt felt super-human (and resulted in serious pain during the days after the accident). It felt like hours before the ambulance came. The drive to the hospital was never-ending. The wait for the ultrasound was unbearable. The relief and love I felt when I saw my baby moving around on the screen- indescribable.

     The moms I met through my pregnancy loss support group have a mantra we use during pregnancy- Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. It may seem obvious to others, but to women who have experienced loss, loving the developing baby can be difficult. To be honest, I've had a sense of detachment during my pregnancies- all of them. I didn't want to love something that might not stay. That is until now. I cried when I saw my little one squirming around. I cried so hard, it shocked me. This baby is AMAZING!

     I had to share the news because I'm growing a life. I can't hide the joy I feel that we have been blessed with another child. I am just reaching the end of the first trimester and I will go for my first screening tomorrow. I could have waited a week to "be safe" and announce the news after I received the green light from the doctor. However, today I am pregnant and I love my baby, and NOTHING will change that!

Day 65

     Today I shut off my brain, turned on my music and set out for a run. It went far better than I could have ever anticipated.

The sweat mark left by my butt on the front porch was also pretty impressive

     I haven't had an outdoor run like this in at least two years. It felt so good, despite the heat. Maybe it was because of the heat? Something about this morning just felt free. I didn't watch the clock, I didn't track the milage. I listened to music, smiled at the people I ran past and just enjoyed the fact that my body was capable of doing this. 

     At one point I ran by a young lady who was in a pair of running shorts and a sports bra. My immediate reaction was to try to suck in my stomach, which was dumb for a multitude of reasons. First of all, despite my 15+ miles a week this summer, I can't seem to whittle my middle down like in previous summers- I guess year 35 came with permanent bloat that can't be sucked in. Second, this woman was on her own mission and surely was not checking out my abs. Third- WTF Beth?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU RAN OVER 7 MILES AT AN 11:30 PACE IN CRAZY SUMMER HEAT!!!!!!! I am a rockstar!!!

     Focus on the positive- my legs and my stamina positively kicked ass today and I am so proud of myself!