Day 60

And sometimes the universe hears your cry and you get a gift like this.

Music makes me feel happy. It makes me feel jazzy and lets me express who I am. I dance and sing like nobody is watching! Sometimes when the music is too loud, it hurts my ears. Music is my passion. I sing everywhere. Music doesn't make me feel so lonely anymore. I am a lonely girl, but when I hear music, it doesn't make me feel so alone. I really hope to be a famous singer someday!

After such a self absorbed post like yesterday's, I got my sense knocked into me. This was an assignment a fourth grade class had completed during my absence a few weeks ago that I just got around to grading. Could it have been more perfectly timed? I know I won't make a difference in every life and I need to lay off that expectation. I know I put more pressure on myself than necessary, but realizing that my class makes this very special girl's week just a little bit brighter reminds me why I care so much.

Day 59

     I had a thought today in the middle of a class that was both incredibly liberating and extremely depressing.

          Stop trying so hard. You don't have to change their lives. 

These are the lives I need to focus on (also the guy behind the camera)

     When I started teaching I wanted to change the world. I was going to connect with kids on their level and then expose them to the beauty of opera, the wonders of Mozart and the emotion of jazz. I would inspire the students to sing with proper vocal production and all of the boys would be comfortable using their head voices. Every kid would be able to sight-sing from both rhythmic and melodic notation, we would be fluent in solfeggio and of course they would sing in multiple languages.
     12 years later I know that there have been moments of greatness. I know there are former students who are following their dreams of being professional musicians. I know that many of the "kids" have made music a regular part of their lives. But did I personally really do anything? Did I really change a life? Inspire something that only I could? If another person ended up with my position, would those students have turned out the same way? Do I matter?

     That is the question I struggle with- Do I matter?
   
     How narcissistic.

     When I began teaching, I came in early, stayed late and gave up lunches. Despite the demands, this job used to nourish me and I felt that I was doing something good. Now I'm not sure if I do more than fill a schedule.
   
     Admitting this is hard. And it's particularly frustrating because I feel that if I just do my job and stop the "extras", I'll be viewed as one of those teachers who has given up. It's so hard to articulate. This notion of working "for the kids" is not healthy. I cannot put my self-worth solely in the hands of students, however the students are the ones who made me want to be a great educator in the first place.

     If I just stopped caring so much, did my job according to the contract and then went home to my family, would I still make a difference? Would I still matter?
     Would I be OK if I didn't?

Day 58

As my BFF and I prepared to close up our classrooms for spring break, I spotted this bumper sticker on a file cabinet and insisted that he take a picture of me.

The face of an exhausted teacher 5 minutes from spring break

I'm burning out of teaching. I have been struggling with this fact for years. It's funny- it has been harder for me to admit and come to terms with this fact than it was for me to face postpartum depression. I've been so ashamed. I spent my last year of grad school researching and writing about teacher burnout. I gave a workshop in my school district about how to avoid it. I talk to my colleagues and student teachers about ways to avoid the burnout, yet here I am.

This realization isn't unprovoked. I just came off an 80+ hour workweek. Yes, that's not a typo. For those who still don't believe teachers work beyond the hours of 8-3, we definitely do. We had the musical last week and as the hair/make-up director and one of the music directors, I spent Monday-Sunday working with the students on the show in addition to my regular teaching responsibilities and my two schedule B assignments. Also, I got sick. And so did my kids. I honestly don't know how I did it. I can't be surprised that I drove to work hysterical, walked into the building hysterical and barely dried the tears before my students walked into my classroom. I can't be surprised that I lost my temper when bombarded by a gaggle of 5th graders asking ridiculous questions. I can't be surprised that when I walked out of my classroom to take a deep breath, I would turn to a colleague and tell her I needed to leave NOW. I'm so thankful she offered to take over my classroom so I could cool down.

This profession, particularly in NJ, is losing it's best and brightest. The bumper sticker says "I am the future of music education", but if I'm struggling to make it through the year, how can I be the future? How can I continue to educate and inspire the next generation of musicians if I feel like I can't perform my job to my high standards, which I refuse to lower.

I have much more to say about this topic. During my spring break, I will be taking some time to really explore these feelings of burnout and I will attempt to discover some ways to get myself out of this place.

I know I am meant to be a teacher. Leaving education is not an option.