Our last day before she began full-time daycare
I remember filling out the paperwork for leave when I was pregnant with Lucas. I thought I would take the standard 16 weeks and return to work with breast-pump in tow. I thought I'd have a sleepy baby who would give me nights of rest and days of smiles. I thought I would love my life as a mother. I never for one minute imagined the hell I would be living in after the birth of my oldest child- and then second and finally the last child. Post-partum depression nearly took everything from me. I can't go down the rabbit hole and imagine what could have been, had my husband not stepped in to get me the help I needed-the amazing lives that would have been shattered, or those never even brought forth at all. The sacrifices that went into the pregnancies, birth and rearing of our children were with out a doubt worth it. But they took a toll on my body, my mind, my career, my friendships, and my family. Living on a single salary for four years, all while racking up some pretty intense medical bills forced us to make life changes that we weren't happy about. It forced my husband and me into many deep discussions, and they often became heated arguments. We navigated many issues over the course of our fourteen years together, but coupling the stress of family, health and money together unlocked a new level.
It's been almost 8 years since we began the journey to become parents. In that time I've been the happiest I could ever imagine, yet I've also been to the very edge of depression. I've experienced the absolute dependence of a human being who looked to me for their every need and it is the most awesome responsibility I could ever imagine. I've also felt the worthlessness and hopelessness that comes with loss. I'm humbled everyday by the strength of my marriage to survive and thrive throughout the challenges life has hurled our way.
Next week, our lives take on a new challenge- that of being a home with two working (outside of the home) parents. I'm scared. I'll most likely never have this time with my family again. I will miss the friends I've made while staying home and the community of amazing women I've been welcomed in. The mundane things like grocery shopping trips in the early morning on Mondays when I could chat with the cashiers, or socializing on playground at pickup with the other parents. These are things that made me feel connected. I'm afraid of this change and how it will affect the relationships I've built while staying home. I'm afraid of being able to give the proper amount of energy to my job and my family. I never quite figured out the balancing act while staying home, and now I'm about to take on a whole new challenge.
I guess I just have to trust that this is going to suck some days, but it's also going to be pretty amazing. There will be highs and lows, like just about everything else in life- but I'm going to try my best because it's really the only thing I can do.