Day 26.2

     Happy International Women's Day.

This woman had a lot to learn

     If an alien ever came to earth and asked me to describe what it was like to be a woman, I think the best answer I could give would be that I feel like I'm simultaneously the cause of and the solution to all problems. Ok, maybe not the best answer. It's too complex an experience to sum up in sentence, but I guess it's the thought most on my mind right now.
      I cannot claim to speak for all women, but there is such an overwhelming weight that I carry on my shoulders. I should anticipate the needs of others as to prevent issues from arising. And if I can't do that properly, I should at least know how to fix the issue.

     I can remember before children, during difficult patches as I was first learning to deal with depression, where I would go into this dark place when I felt I was no good. I would mentally and physically beat myself up, insist that I caused whatever the problem may have been. House dirty? I am a slob and I don't deserve to live in a nice home. Pants fitting a little too tight? I'm not working out enough and if I truly cared about myself, I would. The examples could go on, but I think the point has been made. I was am very unforgiving with myself. And if you think that adding three lives, dependent upon my keeping it together helped, you clearly haven't been reading this blog...

     Since giving birth to Caroline two years ago, the addition of a female has forced me to confront many of the unnecessary expectations that I place upon myself. I don't want to raise her to be me. We all say that, I know- but I really don't ever want her to feel hatred toward herself because someone else's expectations weren't met. Or because her expectations were so outrageous that they realistically could not be met. I didn't have this reaction to the birth of my boys, and I think that is in part because we as a society have been raising our boys differently. However, over the past few years, there has been a change in the collective mindset. We are working on teaching our kids to be empathetic, independent, and aware of others. We are having honest conversations with our children. I couldn't imagine my parents or teachers talking so openly with me about mental health, emotions and struggles. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too open, but I guess that's another post...

     One of the most amazing things that Caroline does is that when she is stressed out, frustrated, or simply not in the mood for antics, she'll yell out "WALK AWAY". It's simultaneously hilarious, annoying, and inspiring. She takes care of herself and her needs in a way I aspire to! Granted, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to start yelling "WALK AWAY" every time someone placed unnecessary stress on me, but I do need to find a way to start protecting myself. I'm not the cause of all problems and definitely do not have the solution for them either. If I'm able to keep raising my daughter to follow her instincts and trust herself, maybe I'll finally start doing the same.