Day 28.2

     One of the things I've learned this summer is that I can be depressed at any given point in time. I used to look back at my history with rose colored glasses and think that I was happier when I was healthy and focused. This summer proved me wrong.


     I thought I would use the summer to gain experience as a Pilates instructor and that having that purpose would help keep me in a positive frame of mind. I thought I'd use the time with my children to gain a better understanding of who they are becoming so that I could be a better mom in the tough situations. I thought I would use the freedom in the schedule to socialize more with my friends because I sorely miss them.
     The best laid plans...

Last night's recovery run game me some time to think

     I taught Pilates and I am happy to say that I'm thrilled with my decision to pursue the certification last year. I find immense satisfaction in the work of helping my clients to grow stronger and feel better. But I cannot derive my happiness from others. The positive work that would happen in the studio wasn't staying with me once I left. The time with my kids led to more questions than answers and many times over the summer I have wondered where I went wrong as a parent. The schedule turned out to be a lot more constricted than I anticipated and I found that I saw less people and had fewer social interactions than I did over the school year. And that was actually fine, because I felt so down that I couldn't really muster much of the effort it would require to socialize.

     So, I stayed home. I slept. I moped. I cried. But the thing is, I really kept trying to move past it all. I recognized that I was in a bad place and I kept trying to get myself out of it. I didn't ask for help though, which is something I regret after two months of suffering in silence. I'm not quite sure what would have helped. I mean, I was functioning- at least I think.

     All of this leads to today. Two weeks away from the start of the school year. I could look at this as two months that weren't lived to their potential, or I could see it as a lesson learned. I'm choosing the latter. I decided to train for a half marathon. I've scheduled my days to get back into running condition, because rose colored glasses aside, I'm happier when I'm running. I'm also happier when I'm writing. I'd like to start writing again- once a week for starters. The year ahead is going to be a busy one. The half marathon, the jobs, the middle child starting kindergarten, the soccer practices, the music lessons, the homework, the laundry.... oh, and the marriage, parenting and friendships.
I know I can do this- but I know it won't be perfect.