A hopeful second pregnancy for us. One that would end on October 19, 2009
We had already been through enough heartache that year. The loss of my father-in-law, the difficulty with conception, the previous loss, and my mother-in-law's cancer diagnoses. This pregnancy started off fairly normal, although the heartbeat wasn't as strong at first. By the second ultrasound, things looked good and I was almost out of the first trimester. Then came the devastating news following a third check, although we didn't find out right away. On October 16, 2009 I had cramping and bleeding, so I went for an ultrasound. I left work early and made it in time for the last appointment. By the time the tech was done, I could tell something was off. She wouldn't show me the screen and all the doctors had left for the day. She said she couldn't share anything with me because a doctor had to review the results first but that I should go home and rest for the weekend. I laid on the couch for those two days and cried. I begged the universe to let me keep this baby. On Monday my doctor called to tell me that I had the option of passing the baby naturally or going in for a D&C. I wanted it over immediately.
I've had four miscarriages. They were all terrible in their own way. The first time I couldn't quite wrap my head around the experience because it happened so quickly. I never even made it in to the doctor for the first visit. The third time I had Lucas, and the fourth I had both boys, so it felt different, because I had other children to focus on. I grieved for them all, but not the way I did with this child.
The middle of October always hurts. There is an emptiness and vivid memories of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, sitting on my porch in tears, and the self-loathing, thinking that something was wrong with me. The months that followed were hell. I would have given anything to have a baby. My job, my right arm- anything at all.
Flash forward to today. I have three amazing children who have challenged and changed me in ways I never thought imaginable. When I find myself struggling, I think back to those dark moments in the fall of 2009. I would have done anything for my imagined children then, and now nine years later I have to live up to that. I prayed, wished, hoped, wanted- no, needed- these kids. And now, they need me. I will be taking a leave of absence from my job to focus on some special needs. Together as a family, I know we will be ok. They are here with us, and I must be here for them.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I will honor my four babies by doing the best I can for Lucas, Ben and Caroline.
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