Day 64

     Now that I am on vacation, the house WILL be clean.

     I spent the past few days relaxing and basically living like a slug. I'm over it now and I've begun the cleaning, purging and organizing. First stop, the boys' room.

 Looks so clean from the doorway

Up close, you can't hide the stains

     It seems that no matter how much I clean, there is always something that I just have to deal with. I've used every spray possible, but the perfect, personalized PBK duvet is a casualty of a midnight bloody nose. Actually- lots of items in our home are casualties of the bloody nose phase. What made me think we could have nice things? 

     I have decided to work on focusing on the bigger picture.  I've been caught up in details recently that have me seeing the negative- an attitude I want to change. So what? There are a few stains, scratches and dents. The room is organized, the trains and cars are put away, and the random legos won't cause anyone (mom) to fall.  

     For now I'm going to enjoy this clean room because once the boys get home, the blood stain will be the least of my concerns! 

Day 63

     I don't like food blogs. Well, I think it's just the presentation- the eight hundred pictures of the same piece of food, the piece of food I just want the recipe for. I don't need the all the pictures (says the woman who has a blog about pictures) and I don't need all the cute little phrases.

Chocolate.
<insert picture of chocolate>
Seriously, friends-CHOCOLATE.
<insert another picture of chocolate>
<insert close-up picture of chocolate>
Is there anything better than chocolate?
<insert picture of 12 kinds of chocolate>
I think not.
<insert picture of baby covered in chocolate>
Ok, maybe this.


     I really don't want to complain about something so petty, but it frustrated the heck out of me tonight when I had to keep scrolling and scrolling past the crap to get to a recipe for these.

Totally worth all the scrolling

     It's silly for me to complain about what comes down to a minute of wasted time. How often do I waste time playing stupid bubble pop games or watching dumb tv? But beyond that- how often do I waste opportunities? There have been so many times that I didn't try out for a show or apply for a program because it just seemed easier than putting myself out there. I have been afraid of failure. I need to step out of my comfort zone.
     I took a chance on these cookie bars and they are pretty fantastic. I think I need to start taking chances on myself.

   

Day 62

     First weekend of my summer break is almost complete. Against my better judgement, I served the boys s'mores this evening after dinner. What followed was a chocolate disaster of epic proportions. This photo does not do justice to Ben's work.

When a chocolate covered Ben wants to give a kiss, you accept

     With each passing day it becomes clearer to me (and anyone who comes to our home) that these kids have taken over. The legos and matchbox cars are multiplying while we sleep. The bathrooms smell like pee and I can't figure out why. I've heard the same joke about poop 50 times this weekend. The best part? I laugh at that joke every single time.
     I've given in to all of it- the dirt, the gross humor, the rough-housing. I'll take the sloppy kisses, especially the chocolate ones, and relish these moments because they will be gone before I know it. After a day filled with cars, trains, wrestling, and messes, it ends with my almost five-year-old throwing his arms around my neck and holding me close.

I was definitely unprepared for the amount of love I feel for these boys.
     

Day 61

I'm through with "luck". 

This may be a bit vague, but I don't have time to expand my thoughts right now- it's the end of the school year and there are concerts, grades, evaluations and graduations. I have been thinking a lot about decisions and how we have a say in our lives. Things don't happen to us because of good luck or bad luck. We make a series of decisions and choices everyday that lead us to where we are. 

It is empowering to realize this because even if you feel your life is out of control or that you have no say in your present circumstance, you actually do. There is a whole lot of beauty in that acceptance of your role in whatever situation you find yourself in- good, bad or confusing. 

Day 60

And sometimes the universe hears your cry and you get a gift like this.

Music makes me feel happy. It makes me feel jazzy and lets me express who I am. I dance and sing like nobody is watching! Sometimes when the music is too loud, it hurts my ears. Music is my passion. I sing everywhere. Music doesn't make me feel so lonely anymore. I am a lonely girl, but when I hear music, it doesn't make me feel so alone. I really hope to be a famous singer someday!

After such a self absorbed post like yesterday's, I got my sense knocked into me. This was an assignment a fourth grade class had completed during my absence a few weeks ago that I just got around to grading. Could it have been more perfectly timed? I know I won't make a difference in every life and I need to lay off that expectation. I know I put more pressure on myself than necessary, but realizing that my class makes this very special girl's week just a little bit brighter reminds me why I care so much.

Day 59

     I had a thought today in the middle of a class that was both incredibly liberating and extremely depressing.

          Stop trying so hard. You don't have to change their lives. 

These are the lives I need to focus on (also the guy behind the camera)

     When I started teaching I wanted to change the world. I was going to connect with kids on their level and then expose them to the beauty of opera, the wonders of Mozart and the emotion of jazz. I would inspire the students to sing with proper vocal production and all of the boys would be comfortable using their head voices. Every kid would be able to sight-sing from both rhythmic and melodic notation, we would be fluent in solfeggio and of course they would sing in multiple languages.
     12 years later I know that there have been moments of greatness. I know there are former students who are following their dreams of being professional musicians. I know that many of the "kids" have made music a regular part of their lives. But did I personally really do anything? Did I really change a life? Inspire something that only I could? If another person ended up with my position, would those students have turned out the same way? Do I matter?

     That is the question I struggle with- Do I matter?
   
     How narcissistic.

     When I began teaching, I came in early, stayed late and gave up lunches. Despite the demands, this job used to nourish me and I felt that I was doing something good. Now I'm not sure if I do more than fill a schedule.
   
     Admitting this is hard. And it's particularly frustrating because I feel that if I just do my job and stop the "extras", I'll be viewed as one of those teachers who has given up. It's so hard to articulate. This notion of working "for the kids" is not healthy. I cannot put my self-worth solely in the hands of students, however the students are the ones who made me want to be a great educator in the first place.

     If I just stopped caring so much, did my job according to the contract and then went home to my family, would I still make a difference? Would I still matter?
     Would I be OK if I didn't?

Day 58

As my BFF and I prepared to close up our classrooms for spring break, I spotted this bumper sticker on a file cabinet and insisted that he take a picture of me.

The face of an exhausted teacher 5 minutes from spring break

I'm burning out of teaching. I have been struggling with this fact for years. It's funny- it has been harder for me to admit and come to terms with this fact than it was for me to face postpartum depression. I've been so ashamed. I spent my last year of grad school researching and writing about teacher burnout. I gave a workshop in my school district about how to avoid it. I talk to my colleagues and student teachers about ways to avoid the burnout, yet here I am.

This realization isn't unprovoked. I just came off an 80+ hour workweek. Yes, that's not a typo. For those who still don't believe teachers work beyond the hours of 8-3, we definitely do. We had the musical last week and as the hair/make-up director and one of the music directors, I spent Monday-Sunday working with the students on the show in addition to my regular teaching responsibilities and my two schedule B assignments. Also, I got sick. And so did my kids. I honestly don't know how I did it. I can't be surprised that I drove to work hysterical, walked into the building hysterical and barely dried the tears before my students walked into my classroom. I can't be surprised that I lost my temper when bombarded by a gaggle of 5th graders asking ridiculous questions. I can't be surprised that when I walked out of my classroom to take a deep breath, I would turn to a colleague and tell her I needed to leave NOW. I'm so thankful she offered to take over my classroom so I could cool down.

This profession, particularly in NJ, is losing it's best and brightest. The bumper sticker says "I am the future of music education", but if I'm struggling to make it through the year, how can I be the future? How can I continue to educate and inspire the next generation of musicians if I feel like I can't perform my job to my high standards, which I refuse to lower.

I have much more to say about this topic. During my spring break, I will be taking some time to really explore these feelings of burnout and I will attempt to discover some ways to get myself out of this place.

I know I am meant to be a teacher. Leaving education is not an option.