Day 48

     I think I may be having a professional/career crisis of sorts. I need to take a step back and what better day to do that than #tbt

My second year of teaching- amazing that they hired a 16 year old, right?

     Let's be honest, education isn't exactly the most enjoyable of careers at this moment. I will refrain from getting too political as I haven't been in my classroom during this tumultuous transition, yet I hope to get back to it in the fall- so no jeopardizing myself with rants! If you know me, you probably know where I stand and if you don't know me, that previous comment probably gave it away. In all honesty, I just want to teach. I think that's what we all want. We want to help our students to achieve their greatest potential in whatever it is that they are passionate about. Personally, I want to open their minds to the music, art and culture that surrounds us and makes us human. Constantly barraging our students with standardized testing will not accomplish this. But, I digress...

     I feel stuck. 

     There was a point in my life when I wanted nothing more than to be on stage, performing for whoever would listen. I loved to sing, dance and act and I was happiest when before an audience. About the time I was preparing to graduate college, my self esteem and belief in my ability to perform had taken quite a blow. I was looking at graduate schools and opportunities for continuing to perform and I had an epiphany. I wasn't prepared to pursue performance at the expense of a potential future relationship and family. It was a tough decision to come to at age 22, but I knew it was right. I felt it wouldn't be an appropriate investment of time, money or my sanity to spend my life auditioning. I wasn't emotionally capable of facing constant rejection. And, I had just begun my student teaching and it turned out that I actually loved working with students! 

     Upon graduating, finding a job turned out to be more difficult than getting into undergrad! I spent 9 months sending out resumes and going on interviews that led nowhere. I was told I would be an excellent teacher one day, but I needed experience (how ironic that experience completely shuts you out of contention for teaching jobs now...). 

      I did finally find a job and I've been there since 2003. I am pretty sure that I have the world's greatest coworkers and students. Seriously. These are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I'm pretty sure I've taught a future president, a Grammy winner, an ambassador- I could go on with the skills and talents they all possess! 

     However, I feel like we've come a point where I wonder if there will be a place for me in education 10 years from now. What are we teaching our children? What standards are we holding them and ourselves to? If our main goal is to prepare them for college starting at the tender age of five, what sort of educational experience will they have? I want an education for our children that is filled with imagination, creativity, passion for learning and JOY! 

     In 2005, I had that in my classroom with the two students pictured above. They are now rising college seniors and I have no doubt that the both of them will go on to do great things. Back then I was able to teach music- for the sake of music- but I was also able to enrich studies outside of the music classroom. I don't know what the future holds, but knowing the generation that will soon be graduating had a chance to learn with joy gives me hope that they can be a positive influence in our society and in education.  

     

     Sorry for the preachy and probably confusing ramblings tonight. I think I'm frustrated and not sure where I see myself fitting in, given my educational philosophy. One thing I am sure of is that I am grateful for my students- every single one of them- and I hope they know that. 

Day 47

     Tonight we lit a candle and sang happy birthday to my mother-in-law. Lucas requested a cake with "Happy Birthday Grandma" written on it, but settled for a dance party and song.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

     Jim made a comment after we finished the celebration that if someone had told him five years ago that this was how we would celebrate Mom's birthday, he wouldn't know how to respond. I get that. Here we are with our two beautiful children celebrating a beautiful woman, but she is not physically here with us. I miss her.
     I want to write about Mom, but a large part of me wants to keep my memories, thoughts and feelings to myself. Like any mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, ours had it's rocky moments and only in becoming a mother myself was I able to understand the reasons we had our struggles.
     I want to thank her for raising my husband to be the man he is today. I want to apologize to her for being such a self-centered brat when we were planning the wedding. I want to have coffee with her and talk about raising boys. I want to go shopping together for house decor and clothes for the kids. I want to cook Sunday dinner with her. I want to cry with her on the days I feel that I just can't do this. I want to argue with her about spoiling the kids. I want to look through baby pictures with her and hear stories about how my husband and his brother were like Ben and Lucas. I want to tell her how much she inspired me to be the mother I strive to be.
     So many "wants", but they simply cannot happen- not in the way I need them. I talk to her during late night nursing sessions and car rides or walks with children. I can imagine our conversation and I can hear her voice in my head, but she's not there. And sometimes it just hurts- All the beauty in the life Jim and I have built together and we cannot share it with his parents in a typical way. However, it is beautiful that we have found ways to honor and include mom and dad in our family so that our children know them.
   
     I don't know how to end this post. I can't seem to express what I am feeling right now, which is a profound sense of sadness in the fact that she is gone. Time doesn't make loss easier, just different. And tonight, singing "Happy Birthday" with her son and two grandsons hurt my heart, because she should be here.
   
   

Day 46

     When you ask a three and a half year old how many miles he can walk and he responds with "Five", don't believe him.

This may be my favorite picture so far.

     Lucas was getting a little antsy this afternoon so I asked him if he wanted to take a walk with me to get flowers for my mother. We had a lovely brunch on the patio and now we were trying to get ready for my parents and sister to visit and Lucas was in need of some attention. Actually, he's been in need of attention a lot recently and has resorted to hitting and biting to get it, but that's another story for another day. 

     I planned on taking the jogging stroller, but Lucas was insistent that we walk together. He was so sweet about it that I gave in, although I knew in my gut that I was probably going to have to carry him on the way back. 

     Two houses away from ours and he asked me to pick him up. I figured it was because we were walking on the part of the road that doesn't have sidewalks and he may have been a little scared. 

     I was wrong. 

     I carried him most of the way to the flower store, a little over a mile down the road from our house. We passed lots of families out for their Mother's Day celebrations. Our town seems to have a never-ending supply of wealthy and well-dressed families and my Target gym clothes and sweat weren't really fitting in. I can't lie- I sort of envied those women with their Lilly Pulitzer dresses and children who would walk on their own two feet. 

     We made it to the flower shop and picked out a bouquet for Nana. While we were waiting (did I mention I still had to hold him while we were in the store?) Lucas said, "Mommy, I have to tell you a secret". I leaned in and he took my face in his hands and whispered "I love you". I think my heart is still in a puddle in front of the cash register. 

     After we purchased the flowers, we began to make our way home. About two blocks in, I could feel his body turn to dead weight and by the third block, he was out. I struggled something awful for about half a mile before I called my husband to ask him to get us. He didn't pick up the phone so I left a quick message and told him if he could come out, I'd really appreciate it.

     As I carried the flowers and a 35lb child, I wondered, do people who pass by think I need help? Is anyone going to pull over to ask me if I'm OK? I probably look ridiculous. Thankfully, Jim got the message, strapped Ben into the car seat and came to get us. Knowing a good photo opportunity when he sees one, he snapped this picture as I was about to put Lucas into the car seat. No wonder no one stopped to ask if I needed help. I look like a very capable and experienced mother who can handle any situation. 

     I am so proud of this picture! When I envisioned myself as a mother, I always knew that I wouldn't be the mom in the Lilly Pulitzer dress- that's just not me. I am the mother of two young boys and playing outside, getting covered in dirt, and general rambunctiousness is my life. Maybe one day we will all dress up and have a nice afternoon out, but for now, the dirt, messes, sweaty hugs and sloppy kisses are all I need.  

     

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there- those that are here, those that are gone, those to-be and those who wish to-be. 

Day 45

     Today being #tbt and this Sunday being Mother's Day, I decided to post this picture on Facebook tonight.

This bed hasn't been neatly made since this photo was taken in 2010.

     I wasn't thinking at the moment I shared the picture, but I needed to remind myself of what my body has been through.
     Yesterday I attempted to shop for a bathing suit for our upcoming getaway to Vegas. I probably don't seem like the Vegas type, but I love it out there. My husband and I go every two years with another couple and we live it up for three nights. I enjoy the gambling, the shows, the food, the pools, the dancing- I always have a great time (maybe a few times that were too great. But that's another story...)
     I also (usually) love shopping for clothes to wear on this trip because I get to dress up since we go all out. This year however, I'm struggling a bit as nothing seems to quite work for me. I bought five bathing suits so far and tried them on at home (trying on swimwear in a small dressing room with breastfeed infant does not work- one glimpse and he demands the goods). Five bathing suits are in a bag by the door waiting to be returned.
     I looked at myself in the mirror as I was trying them on and all I could think of was my former body. The one that didn't go through hell to have children. The one that begged and prayed to God to please give me the chance to be a mother. The one that didn't endure two difficult "full term" pregnancies. The one that would probably punch present-day-me in the face if she knew I would be sad about my semi-soft middle and a handful of stretch marks.
     So here is my belly. Beautiful, round and full of love. It's a little deflated now, but that love is now living outside of body in the form of two amazing children and they were totally worth it.

Day 44

     The weather has been showing signs of improvement and that only means one thing....

Yes, this selfie was taken in a mirror on the side of playground equipment. 

     Shorts.
     (Ok, maybe it means more than one thing. But in the context of this post, it only means shorts.)

     This is the first time in two years that I have worn shorts. Seriously. Pregnant summers do not work for my legs (swollen would be an understatement) so these gams have been kept under wraps for quite a while. Today I decided to bite the bullet and put on a pair and it was actually much better than I thought it would be (thank you Pilates).

     I've always had an aversion to shorts & skirts-anything that allows the general public to see my legs. I'm petite and (usually) have muscular legs- not the easiest combination to dress. Also, due to my thick thighs, shorts always ride up when I walk/run. When I am training for a race, the amount of BodyGlide I purchase to deal with chaffing borders on the obscene. I go through phases where I absolutely hate my legs, but then I am reminded of all the amazing things they have done for me and I love them for all they are. My mom always used to say it takes a strong foundation to build a cathedral- I like to think of them as my foundation.
     So, welcome warm weather- I'm not letting my vanity hold me back from enjoying you anymore!

Day 43

     Honestly, there are days when the thought of bedtime is enough to cause a panic attack. I just know the night will be never ending. When you think they are asleep- BAM!- the door flies open and shouts of "Mommy! Daddy! I haaaaaave to tell you somethinggggggg!!!!" ring through the air. Of course, that's usually followed by screams of "wahhhhhhhh" coming from down the hall.....

I put on a good front, but they terrify me.   

     My children are not what you would call "great sleepers". There are times where they are sweet angels and do sleep peacefully through. Unfortunately those nights don't always align for both of them.
     Last night was a real doozy. Ben has discovered a new shrieking sound. It's pretty impressive, especially at 1 am. By the time we reached 2:30, it was clear that something was off.  I wasn't thrilled but I knew that I needed to comfort him. Part of me felt like a failure because I "gave in" and nursed him. But the other part of me knows that I followed my gut and calmed him down, and that makes me an awesome mother.
     I've decided something- I'm done panicking about the whole sleep thing. I'm going to stop the comparisons to other children and stressing out over bedtime. If my child wants me to lay down with him because he loves me, wants to tell me something and give me a hug, than I am going with it! If my baby wants to be snuggled because he's alone and upset in his crib, I'm OK with that. I've been granted a gift of two beautiful children- if I give them comfort and security, that's fine by me. I will never look back on this time and think "I wish I slept more" and I definitely don't want to think "I should have held my children more often".
     So if you see me with dark circles under my eyes and a triple espresso, please don't look at me with pity.  I've got some pretty fantastic reasons for the exhausted appearances.