Day 52

     I was true to my word. Jim and I had a "date" tonight!

A shared glass of Trader Joe's finest $4.49 Malbec

     Last night we decided that after the kids went to bed, we would sit up and talk- no TV, no phones, no laptops. Honestly I wasn't sure that we would follow through, but we did and I am so happy! I must confess we broke out the phones once we started discussing our upcoming shore house vacation, but other than that, we followed through. For an hour we did not talk about kids, do dishes or laundry, complain-we had a conversation like we used to! I even dimmed the lights for ambiance...and to hide the mess left by a day of playing with Ben, but let's focus on the ambiance ;-)

     I could sit here and bemoan the fact that we had a limited time, that there are chores now left to tackle tomorrow or that Jim has gone to bed without me so I could stay up write this post, but instead I will smile knowing that we had an enjoyable night. This was definitely a step in the right direction! 

Day 51

     I've been struggling recently. On the bright side, Ben is now crawling, pulling to standing and getting into everything (I can't say enough good stuff about the Early Intervention Program!). But along with those new developments, my entire life now revolves around chasing after kids. Yes, this is what I signed up for and no, I wouldn't give it up for anything- but that doesn't mean I enjoy every single moment. I had an epiphany about this at the pool today- I've lost myself again.

     We spent the day at the pool and enjoyed the beautiful weather and water. And I also compared myself to all the other women at the wading pool. I was in the land of the beautiful people. The pregnant women were wearing bikinis and showed no visible stretch marks. The moms of 3 or 4 were in fabulous shape. I mean kudos to them- but wow, trying to find an average looking woman was nearly impossible. They all socialized with each other, laughing and enjoying themselves while I stood paralyzed on the outside thinking "I will never fit in".  I don't know what it was- the anxiety of wearing a bathing suit in public, not knowing anyone- I just felt that I must look so out of place. Then Jim took this picture.

Ben and his Bathing Beauty Mommy

     I'm slightly ashamed to admit that my first thought was "The camera must be taking weird pictures because I do not look like that". Upon examining all the pictures he took, it turns out that I do indeed look like this. Wow- Go me!!! No, I don't have six pack abs, and wearing a string bikini to chase my kids around will NEVER be an option, but I don't look half bad at all! Mom or not, I am owning my body right there.
     So now that the looking-like-I-fit-in part is out of the way, I need to get down to the real issue. Why have I lost my sense of self worth beyond my role as a mother? I've become so wrapped up in the boys (again) that I've forgotten to take care of myself (again) and that is now affecting my ability (again) to be the mom, wife and fried I want to be. Do I have an easy answer to what will fix this? No. But, I am going to work on it. Starting this week I am arranging a date night with Jim and I am setting aside time to blog more consistently again- seriously! I'm also going to revisit some of my previous posts and take suggestions I gave myself earlier. This reminds me of the song "Very Good Advice" from Alice In Wonderland-

          I give myself very good advice

          But a very seldom follow it

          That explains the trouble that I'm always in 

     

     Time to start listening to myself. I have some really great things to say.

Day 50

     One of my favorite lines from "Beauty and the Beast" is when Belle says to her father, "Papa, do you think I'm odd?"

#tbt to "Beauty and the Beast"- a little bit of both here.

     I never got to play the role of Belle (and pretty sure I'm way too old at this point!), but this is a question I've often pondered. Am I odd? I can be extremely socially awkward and motherhood has made me worse. There are times I have conversations that I don't quite remember because I'm thinking about some errand I forgot to run or am exhausted from another sleepless night.  There have also been times when I stick my foot in my mouth or say something completely awkward. Maybe that's what happens when you spend your days babbling with a infant and negotiating/diffusing tantrums with a toddler. I find that my interactions with adults are rare and I'm not doing well when I have them. Could it be that my life feels so mundane that I'm now incapable of having an intelligent conversation? Is it that I have so much to say that once I start talking, I can't stop and I don't formulate a coherent thought?
     Many years ago I played the role of the singing dresser, Madame de la Grande Bouche (translation- Missus of the Big Mouth). I had a fantastic time getting back on the stage after a few years off, but I didn't get to socialize much. I had to spend much of the production sitting inside a large box on stage, waiting to pop up and sing/say my lines. In a lot of ways it feels like I'm waiting around to sing/say my lines now, only they aren't written out for me and I keep messing them up. I get out, talk to people, go back to my house/box and smack myself in the head for being weird. I honestly worry that when the boys go to school I'm going to be the odd mom who doesn't quite fit in.
     I guess the only thing I can do is keep popping out of the box and trying. Sooner or later I'll figure it out, right?

Day 49

     I must apologize for the delay in posting. It's been a very hectic few weeks around here- more to come on that later but for now, I share another #tbt photo.

      Recently I've been thinking about the way I portray myself on social media. There have been quite a few instances of teachers being reprimanded or disciplined because of Facebook pages or other social media presences. I thought back to our wedding day when one of my lovely sixth grade students who sang at the ceremony (and is probably reading this entry) told her father that she saw two things at the wedding she never expected to see in her life- Ms. D kissing a boy and drinking alcohol. In other news, I'm glad Facebook didn't exist when I was in college...
     Personally, I don't have an issue with anyone seeing a picture of me with alcohol. I am over 21, I don't drink and drive, and I'm a responsible adult- who happens to like beer and wine. As far as kissing anyone (Did I mention how happy I am that Facebook wasn't around during college?), I am happily married! Why should I be afraid of anyone finding this blog or seeing photos that I have been tagged in. This is me. I don't hide who I am and quite frankly, I think it's awesome that I have been so honest with my struggles through this blog. I may have felt much better about myself growing up if I realized that others felt the same way as me.
     So, here you go world- this is me kissing my husband and drinking champagne. It's not the first time, nor will it be the last. Well, I guess technically speaking, this is the first time I kissed my husband and drank champagne, but you know what I mean!