Monday, July 21, 2014

Day 53

     Tonight I've been reflecting on the past year as I count down the minutes until I have a one year old. My sweet boy is turning one and I am blissfully exhausted by the transformation of myself and my family in the past 365 days.
Ben's first Yankee game & my first time nursing in Yankee Stadium

     I look at this picture and I see contentment. Actually, I see a lot of things, but I can look at my eyes  and know that despite the fact I am sitting on the concrete floor behind the bleachers, watching a fight between two drunk men and missing a home run, I am completely at peace with our decision to expand our family. In those first few hormonal post-partum weeks, I strongly doubted myself. The months of bed rest and medication still resulted in a premature birth and NICU stay. I had difficulty with PPD again, Ben wasn't gaining weight and Lucas was not entirely thrilled with the situation. I remember crying to Jim that we screwed up- we should have been happy with our family of three. Now I cannot imagine life without Ben. 
     Kids are hard. We've had quite a few rough patches, but these boys are amazing. Tonight as Jim and I sat in the family room and looked at the mess, he said to me "we have have some really great years ahead of us". I needed to hear that. I've been so focused on mourning the loss of the infant stage and of knowing that I will probably never carry another child that I have forgotten about all the amazing things that lie ahead for our family. 
     Tomorrow I will be woken up by a one year old and almost four year old and I can't wait to see what the day will bring us! 

3 comments:

  1. You are a very special family and I am so proud of you!

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  2. You have an extraordinary family, Beth. They are beautiful, fun-loving, strong and most importantly, they are happy.
    You and Jim keep up the gapped work! Love, Aunt Maureen

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  3. That would be good work ha ha. See, I have grand mom brain👵🏻

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