Day 47

     Tonight we lit a candle and sang happy birthday to my mother-in-law. Lucas requested a cake with "Happy Birthday Grandma" written on it, but settled for a dance party and song.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

     Jim made a comment after we finished the celebration that if someone had told him five years ago that this was how we would celebrate Mom's birthday, he wouldn't know how to respond. I get that. Here we are with our two beautiful children celebrating a beautiful woman, but she is not physically here with us. I miss her.
     I want to write about Mom, but a large part of me wants to keep my memories, thoughts and feelings to myself. Like any mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, ours had it's rocky moments and only in becoming a mother myself was I able to understand the reasons we had our struggles.
     I want to thank her for raising my husband to be the man he is today. I want to apologize to her for being such a self-centered brat when we were planning the wedding. I want to have coffee with her and talk about raising boys. I want to go shopping together for house decor and clothes for the kids. I want to cook Sunday dinner with her. I want to cry with her on the days I feel that I just can't do this. I want to argue with her about spoiling the kids. I want to look through baby pictures with her and hear stories about how my husband and his brother were like Ben and Lucas. I want to tell her how much she inspired me to be the mother I strive to be.
     So many "wants", but they simply cannot happen- not in the way I need them. I talk to her during late night nursing sessions and car rides or walks with children. I can imagine our conversation and I can hear her voice in my head, but she's not there. And sometimes it just hurts- All the beauty in the life Jim and I have built together and we cannot share it with his parents in a typical way. However, it is beautiful that we have found ways to honor and include mom and dad in our family so that our children know them.
   
     I don't know how to end this post. I can't seem to express what I am feeling right now, which is a profound sense of sadness in the fact that she is gone. Time doesn't make loss easier, just different. And tonight, singing "Happy Birthday" with her son and two grandsons hurt my heart, because she should be here.
   
   

Day 46

     When you ask a three and a half year old how many miles he can walk and he responds with "Five", don't believe him.

This may be my favorite picture so far.

     Lucas was getting a little antsy this afternoon so I asked him if he wanted to take a walk with me to get flowers for my mother. We had a lovely brunch on the patio and now we were trying to get ready for my parents and sister to visit and Lucas was in need of some attention. Actually, he's been in need of attention a lot recently and has resorted to hitting and biting to get it, but that's another story for another day. 

     I planned on taking the jogging stroller, but Lucas was insistent that we walk together. He was so sweet about it that I gave in, although I knew in my gut that I was probably going to have to carry him on the way back. 

     Two houses away from ours and he asked me to pick him up. I figured it was because we were walking on the part of the road that doesn't have sidewalks and he may have been a little scared. 

     I was wrong. 

     I carried him most of the way to the flower store, a little over a mile down the road from our house. We passed lots of families out for their Mother's Day celebrations. Our town seems to have a never-ending supply of wealthy and well-dressed families and my Target gym clothes and sweat weren't really fitting in. I can't lie- I sort of envied those women with their Lilly Pulitzer dresses and children who would walk on their own two feet. 

     We made it to the flower shop and picked out a bouquet for Nana. While we were waiting (did I mention I still had to hold him while we were in the store?) Lucas said, "Mommy, I have to tell you a secret". I leaned in and he took my face in his hands and whispered "I love you". I think my heart is still in a puddle in front of the cash register. 

     After we purchased the flowers, we began to make our way home. About two blocks in, I could feel his body turn to dead weight and by the third block, he was out. I struggled something awful for about half a mile before I called my husband to ask him to get us. He didn't pick up the phone so I left a quick message and told him if he could come out, I'd really appreciate it.

     As I carried the flowers and a 35lb child, I wondered, do people who pass by think I need help? Is anyone going to pull over to ask me if I'm OK? I probably look ridiculous. Thankfully, Jim got the message, strapped Ben into the car seat and came to get us. Knowing a good photo opportunity when he sees one, he snapped this picture as I was about to put Lucas into the car seat. No wonder no one stopped to ask if I needed help. I look like a very capable and experienced mother who can handle any situation. 

     I am so proud of this picture! When I envisioned myself as a mother, I always knew that I wouldn't be the mom in the Lilly Pulitzer dress- that's just not me. I am the mother of two young boys and playing outside, getting covered in dirt, and general rambunctiousness is my life. Maybe one day we will all dress up and have a nice afternoon out, but for now, the dirt, messes, sweaty hugs and sloppy kisses are all I need.  

     

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there- those that are here, those that are gone, those to-be and those who wish to-be. 

Day 45

     Today being #tbt and this Sunday being Mother's Day, I decided to post this picture on Facebook tonight.

This bed hasn't been neatly made since this photo was taken in 2010.

     I wasn't thinking at the moment I shared the picture, but I needed to remind myself of what my body has been through.
     Yesterday I attempted to shop for a bathing suit for our upcoming getaway to Vegas. I probably don't seem like the Vegas type, but I love it out there. My husband and I go every two years with another couple and we live it up for three nights. I enjoy the gambling, the shows, the food, the pools, the dancing- I always have a great time (maybe a few times that were too great. But that's another story...)
     I also (usually) love shopping for clothes to wear on this trip because I get to dress up since we go all out. This year however, I'm struggling a bit as nothing seems to quite work for me. I bought five bathing suits so far and tried them on at home (trying on swimwear in a small dressing room with breastfeed infant does not work- one glimpse and he demands the goods). Five bathing suits are in a bag by the door waiting to be returned.
     I looked at myself in the mirror as I was trying them on and all I could think of was my former body. The one that didn't go through hell to have children. The one that begged and prayed to God to please give me the chance to be a mother. The one that didn't endure two difficult "full term" pregnancies. The one that would probably punch present-day-me in the face if she knew I would be sad about my semi-soft middle and a handful of stretch marks.
     So here is my belly. Beautiful, round and full of love. It's a little deflated now, but that love is now living outside of body in the form of two amazing children and they were totally worth it.

Day 44

     The weather has been showing signs of improvement and that only means one thing....

Yes, this selfie was taken in a mirror on the side of playground equipment. 

     Shorts.
     (Ok, maybe it means more than one thing. But in the context of this post, it only means shorts.)

     This is the first time in two years that I have worn shorts. Seriously. Pregnant summers do not work for my legs (swollen would be an understatement) so these gams have been kept under wraps for quite a while. Today I decided to bite the bullet and put on a pair and it was actually much better than I thought it would be (thank you Pilates).

     I've always had an aversion to shorts & skirts-anything that allows the general public to see my legs. I'm petite and (usually) have muscular legs- not the easiest combination to dress. Also, due to my thick thighs, shorts always ride up when I walk/run. When I am training for a race, the amount of BodyGlide I purchase to deal with chaffing borders on the obscene. I go through phases where I absolutely hate my legs, but then I am reminded of all the amazing things they have done for me and I love them for all they are. My mom always used to say it takes a strong foundation to build a cathedral- I like to think of them as my foundation.
     So, welcome warm weather- I'm not letting my vanity hold me back from enjoying you anymore!

Day 43

     Honestly, there are days when the thought of bedtime is enough to cause a panic attack. I just know the night will be never ending. When you think they are asleep- BAM!- the door flies open and shouts of "Mommy! Daddy! I haaaaaave to tell you somethinggggggg!!!!" ring through the air. Of course, that's usually followed by screams of "wahhhhhhhh" coming from down the hall.....

I put on a good front, but they terrify me.   

     My children are not what you would call "great sleepers". There are times where they are sweet angels and do sleep peacefully through. Unfortunately those nights don't always align for both of them.
     Last night was a real doozy. Ben has discovered a new shrieking sound. It's pretty impressive, especially at 1 am. By the time we reached 2:30, it was clear that something was off.  I wasn't thrilled but I knew that I needed to comfort him. Part of me felt like a failure because I "gave in" and nursed him. But the other part of me knows that I followed my gut and calmed him down, and that makes me an awesome mother.
     I've decided something- I'm done panicking about the whole sleep thing. I'm going to stop the comparisons to other children and stressing out over bedtime. If my child wants me to lay down with him because he loves me, wants to tell me something and give me a hug, than I am going with it! If my baby wants to be snuggled because he's alone and upset in his crib, I'm OK with that. I've been granted a gift of two beautiful children- if I give them comfort and security, that's fine by me. I will never look back on this time and think "I wish I slept more" and I definitely don't want to think "I should have held my children more often".
     So if you see me with dark circles under my eyes and a triple espresso, please don't look at me with pity.  I've got some pretty fantastic reasons for the exhausted appearances.

Day 42

     Welcome back. I've taken some time off from writing and I need to get back. I hope that it's understood that as much as I shared my judgement, critiques and thoughts about myself, I don't extend that same scrutiny to others. Although, I must say, on some level, we all make judgments about each other.


     The weather has been beautiful recently and I decided to take a walk through the campus downtown. The semester is closing and newly admitted students are visiting, so everything was busy. Ben enjoyed watching the students and babbled loudly most of the walk. His adorable squeals echo quite nicely among the large buildings and arches.
     Toward the end of our walk, we passed by a young girl who was so unbelievably striking. She looked like something out of a Ralph Lauren ad- tall, slim, gorgeous clothes, impeccable makeup, perfectly manicured nails. She may have been one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. I thought to myself that if you found me walking to class during the last few weeks of the semester in college, I probably would have been wearing some sweats and I may or may not have showered. That's when I realized, I was wearing yoga pants and I hadn't showered or really done much other than brush my teeth.

15 years later and I'm still a slob.

     As I thought about this girl, I imagined how amazing her life must be. She most likely attended a private school where she excelled at everything. She surely was fluent in more than one language. She probably had a horse. And that's where I stopped myself. She probably had a horse? What was I thinking judging this girl? Something about the way she presented herself made me feel like a disaster. She had this poise and confidence and I felt so insecure and began to compare myself this young woman in her late teens/early 20s- someone who probably didn't even notice me. And what was I accomplishing? Who is she in my life? I felt such a pull toward the negative that I had to stop and collect myself. 

     I don't know what kind of life this young woman may or may not have. But I judged her. And while the judgements I made were all very flattering, I made them with a strong sense of envy for the life I imagined her to have. What about the life I have? What judgements were others making of me as they passed by? So, I decided to list some options.

• She's wearing very comfortable clothes because she needs to be active with her children.
• Her son looks so happy to be snuggled close to her. What a great mother!
• Such beautiful skin- she doesn't even need to wear make-up!
• She looks thoughtful. Probably a great thinker.
• She's walking at such a quick pace, while carrying her son. What strength! 
• She's been singing songs to her baby and she has a lovely voice.

     I'm only listing the positives here, but trust me, I had a few negative thoughts. I realize I need to get back into consciously thinking about the beauty in life. I've allowed negativity back in and it's not who I want to be. 

   

Day 41

     Forgive me. After my last post, I needed to take some time to digest the past 40 days.

Where do we go from here?

     I am unsure as to how to proceed with this blog. The initial plan was to post a picture and discuss. I'm not sure that the world really needs me to do that every single day. It feels narcissistic to continue in that fashion. I could just be self-conscious. Thoughts?
     This blog in it's current state has forced me to have some very serious conversations with my husband, my family, my friends and myself. Is that enough? Should I try to accomplish something beyond challenging/discussing the standards of beauty? Maybe go beyond myself?
     I think this next phase may be a work in progress as I decide which direction I'd like to go, so please bear with me.