Day 42

     Welcome back. I've taken some time off from writing and I need to get back. I hope that it's understood that as much as I shared my judgement, critiques and thoughts about myself, I don't extend that same scrutiny to others. Although, I must say, on some level, we all make judgments about each other.


     The weather has been beautiful recently and I decided to take a walk through the campus downtown. The semester is closing and newly admitted students are visiting, so everything was busy. Ben enjoyed watching the students and babbled loudly most of the walk. His adorable squeals echo quite nicely among the large buildings and arches.
     Toward the end of our walk, we passed by a young girl who was so unbelievably striking. She looked like something out of a Ralph Lauren ad- tall, slim, gorgeous clothes, impeccable makeup, perfectly manicured nails. She may have been one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. I thought to myself that if you found me walking to class during the last few weeks of the semester in college, I probably would have been wearing some sweats and I may or may not have showered. That's when I realized, I was wearing yoga pants and I hadn't showered or really done much other than brush my teeth.

15 years later and I'm still a slob.

     As I thought about this girl, I imagined how amazing her life must be. She most likely attended a private school where she excelled at everything. She surely was fluent in more than one language. She probably had a horse. And that's where I stopped myself. She probably had a horse? What was I thinking judging this girl? Something about the way she presented herself made me feel like a disaster. She had this poise and confidence and I felt so insecure and began to compare myself this young woman in her late teens/early 20s- someone who probably didn't even notice me. And what was I accomplishing? Who is she in my life? I felt such a pull toward the negative that I had to stop and collect myself. 

     I don't know what kind of life this young woman may or may not have. But I judged her. And while the judgements I made were all very flattering, I made them with a strong sense of envy for the life I imagined her to have. What about the life I have? What judgements were others making of me as they passed by? So, I decided to list some options.

• She's wearing very comfortable clothes because she needs to be active with her children.
• Her son looks so happy to be snuggled close to her. What a great mother!
• Such beautiful skin- she doesn't even need to wear make-up!
• She looks thoughtful. Probably a great thinker.
• She's walking at such a quick pace, while carrying her son. What strength! 
• She's been singing songs to her baby and she has a lovely voice.

     I'm only listing the positives here, but trust me, I had a few negative thoughts. I realize I need to get back into consciously thinking about the beauty in life. I've allowed negativity back in and it's not who I want to be.