Day 42

     Welcome back. I've taken some time off from writing and I need to get back. I hope that it's understood that as much as I shared my judgement, critiques and thoughts about myself, I don't extend that same scrutiny to others. Although, I must say, on some level, we all make judgments about each other.


     The weather has been beautiful recently and I decided to take a walk through the campus downtown. The semester is closing and newly admitted students are visiting, so everything was busy. Ben enjoyed watching the students and babbled loudly most of the walk. His adorable squeals echo quite nicely among the large buildings and arches.
     Toward the end of our walk, we passed by a young girl who was so unbelievably striking. She looked like something out of a Ralph Lauren ad- tall, slim, gorgeous clothes, impeccable makeup, perfectly manicured nails. She may have been one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. I thought to myself that if you found me walking to class during the last few weeks of the semester in college, I probably would have been wearing some sweats and I may or may not have showered. That's when I realized, I was wearing yoga pants and I hadn't showered or really done much other than brush my teeth.

15 years later and I'm still a slob.

     As I thought about this girl, I imagined how amazing her life must be. She most likely attended a private school where she excelled at everything. She surely was fluent in more than one language. She probably had a horse. And that's where I stopped myself. She probably had a horse? What was I thinking judging this girl? Something about the way she presented herself made me feel like a disaster. She had this poise and confidence and I felt so insecure and began to compare myself this young woman in her late teens/early 20s- someone who probably didn't even notice me. And what was I accomplishing? Who is she in my life? I felt such a pull toward the negative that I had to stop and collect myself. 

     I don't know what kind of life this young woman may or may not have. But I judged her. And while the judgements I made were all very flattering, I made them with a strong sense of envy for the life I imagined her to have. What about the life I have? What judgements were others making of me as they passed by? So, I decided to list some options.

• She's wearing very comfortable clothes because she needs to be active with her children.
• Her son looks so happy to be snuggled close to her. What a great mother!
• Such beautiful skin- she doesn't even need to wear make-up!
• She looks thoughtful. Probably a great thinker.
• She's walking at such a quick pace, while carrying her son. What strength! 
• She's been singing songs to her baby and she has a lovely voice.

     I'm only listing the positives here, but trust me, I had a few negative thoughts. I realize I need to get back into consciously thinking about the beauty in life. I've allowed negativity back in and it's not who I want to be. 

   

Day 41

     Forgive me. After my last post, I needed to take some time to digest the past 40 days.

Where do we go from here?

     I am unsure as to how to proceed with this blog. The initial plan was to post a picture and discuss. I'm not sure that the world really needs me to do that every single day. It feels narcissistic to continue in that fashion. I could just be self-conscious. Thoughts?
     This blog in it's current state has forced me to have some very serious conversations with my husband, my family, my friends and myself. Is that enough? Should I try to accomplish something beyond challenging/discussing the standards of beauty? Maybe go beyond myself?
     I think this next phase may be a work in progress as I decide which direction I'd like to go, so please bear with me.
   

Day 40

    It is becoming increasingly hard to find/take pictures of myself that don't involve a kid and I am coming to terms with that. There will be plenty of days in my future when I will wish for my children to be near me, so I am going to soak it all in now. It seemed fitting that I end the 40 Day project with a photo of the boys who make me want to be a better role model. 

If you've ever wondered what I look like first thing in the morning, wonder no more.

     I tried to think about what these past 40 days have been for me- what have I learned? 

• My son can take some pretty great pictures.
• I can look very different from one day to the next.
• Even when I think I'm at my worst, it's possible to find something about myself that is beautiful.
• Almost everyone feels the way I have at some point in their lives.
• Vanity can be pretty destructive.
• Treating myself with kindness has lead me to be a kinder person to others. 
• Honesty is amazing.
• Motherhood has infiltrated every area of my life. And I'm OK with that. 
• This project isn't over.

     I cannot stop this now. It's been too good for me- I recently told someone it's the cheapest therapy I've ever been in. And no, I'm not being sarcastic! I want to continue this idea of looking at each day through a photograph and sharing that with the world. 

     So, hopefully you won't mind if I continue to put myself out there. I hope you try it, too!

Day 39

     My haircare and maintenance schedule used to be pretty rock solid. I'd get my hair highlighted or colored before the roots got bad and I would make sure to trim my hair often to keep the ends neat. Now I'm lucky if it's washed.

Awkward/backward hair selfie

     Today, after much deliberation, I decided to go back to blonde. I thought that brunette would suit me better and I was under the impression that my hair was getting darker anyway. However, it turns out the color is going in the opposite direction....

     A few months ago I found my first grey hair. I texted my sister immediately with a picture of the offending hair. How could this happen? I had never seen a grey hair on my head ever, yet here was this long white strand that said otherwise. Of course, once you find one, you search your head daily to see if there are others. And there are. Many more! I had never noticed them before but clearly this did not happen overnight.
     The grey doesn't bother me too much- it's the idea of maintaining the darker color that gets me most upset. I haven't have a hair cut since before Ben was born and haven't had my color done in 6 months. Therefore, I decided to go back to blonde with highlights in the hopes of gracefully accepting the grey.

     So, I must address the age old questions- Do blondes have more fun? I never really noticed a difference, but I'm thinking/hoping that maybe the greys might!

Day 38

     So, this is my stomach.

"All right Mr. DeMille, I'm [not quite] ready for my close-up," 

     Having children affects many areas of the body, but one of the most obvious and "public" places is the abdominal region. How many magazine covers do we see of celebrities showing off their bikini-ready bodies just 6 weeks after giving birth? It was so refreshing to see Princess Kate leave the hospital with a normal post-partum belly- then the magazines had to ruin it for me when they showed pictures of her "toned abs" as she played volleyball with school children a few months later. Of course I know that I didn't look like her to begin with, but since our sons share the same birthday and the media loves to follow the royal couple, I can't help but compare myself a little.

     Anyway, I am showing my belly here because I'm actually pretty proud of what I have accomplished through Pilates and exercise. I still have a way to go until I feel comfortable with the lower abdominal region, but I'm getting there. 

     The real struggle for me is going to be when we travel to Las Vegas at the end of next month. Somehow I need to gear myself up to wear a swimsuit in public. But hey, if I can post a picture on the internet that reveals my stomach for all to see, stepping out in a bikini probably isn't so bad! 

Day 37

     So this is technically supposed to be a #tbt edition, but how could I not share this photo?

This may be the happiest I've looked sitting at a piano

     Music. It's my life, it's the air I breathe, it runs through my veins, but somehow I still find myself so intimidated when surrounded by professionals. I know making music gives me joy- the kind of joy Ben is demonstrating above- but I'm never quite sure of myself.

     I don't know where I belong in the musical world. I started out in choir, fell in love with musical theater, trained to be a classical/operatic singer and then ended up in the general music/choral classroom in elementary and middle school. I guess I feel like a jack of all trades, master of none. 

     

     So, tonight  I rehearsed with a choir for the Broadway Battles Bullying benefit that I previously wrote about and I totally freaked out on the train ride in. I sat in the back back row with my pencil ready and my music already learned (both alto and soprano). Within moments of starting rehearsal, I knew I was where I needed to be. The exhilaration of singing this glorious music with others who feel so passionate about the cause of the benefit brought me to tears, although thank goodness I was able to control myself and not sob like a crazy person! 

     

     Professional self confidence is a topic I think I need to approach. For now, I am content to look at the joy on our faces as "we" practiced the music. And I look forward to seeing the joy on faces in the audience when this music is performed! 

     

     

Day 36

      Another beautiful day, another beautiful walk. 

Would you believe he was crying 2 second before the camera came out?

     I met up with my friend today for a long overdue coffee and conversation. I miss her so much, and we don't even live that far from one another. I hate that I get so distracted with everything that before I know it, four months have passed. Seriously, FOUR MONTHS!!!
     We had a great time strolling through her neighborhood and catching up on the happenings of our lives. I value our friendship so much and couldn't imagine these past 16+ years without her.

     OK, so I know based on my post last night, I probably should have shared something that involved "me time", but I had a beautiful afternoon with a beautiful friend. And that's something that makes me feel so good and so normal. 
     
     Plus she took this gorgeous picture of me in my pre-pregnancy jeans ;-) 

Day 35

     I'm exhausted.

Jim knew this was a blog worthy moment.

     I couldn't quite figure out what it was that wore me down today, but something did.

     I went for a five mile walk today with Ben. We walked into town, stopped in some stores, visited the library, read some books and then walked back. It was absolutely beautiful outside and the perfect anecdote to the harsh winter we experienced here in the North East. During the walk I thought to myself how much better I feel when I'm out in the sunshine.
     Post-partum depression hit me hard with both kids and unfortunately for me, that period also coincided with some nasty winter weather that kept us inside. As I walked through town and breathed in the fresh air, I contemplated how difficult those months were.
     No one prepares you for the tidal wave of emotions and hormones that hit you after childbirth, but honestly, how could they? It's something unique to each individual and each pregnancy. And it doesn't always happen right away, and there are peaks and valleys.
     I know my triggers and I know when I'm losing control. Today I had such a nice walk and felt so peaceful but as soon as we got back in the house I saw the pile of clothes that needed to be folded, the dishes that needed to be washed, the dinner that needed to be cooked, the mail that needed to be gone through- I felt the anxiety building in my stomach. As soon and I put Ben down to begin cooking, he started crying. When Lucas and Jim came home, two more people wanted my attention. There were too many tasks and people who wanted me to focus on them and I couldn't take it- I can't take it. I absolutely shut down. And this is happening more and more frequently.

     But the good thing is I realize this and I am going to start putting my foot down. I need "me time". A few moments in the day when I am alone and can focus on no one else but myself. I can't even remember the last time I went to the bathroom in this house without someone watching me, cheering me on, or banging on the locked door.
     So, it starts tonight and I am hold myself accountable.

Day 34

     Did you ever wonder what you looked like when running?

     Well stop wondering, because unless you're some sort of graceful gazelle, it isn't good.

If I wasn't concentrating on taking this picture, I could totally run a 7 minute mile.

     I don't know what possessed me to take this picture today. Maybe it's because my pictures haven't been highlighting the physical appearance issues I wanted to tackle. Whatever the reason, this is a real doozy!
     I am stopping myself right now before I start critiquing the picture. I'm not mentioning anything I'm concerned with. I'm throwing all that negativity out.
     I ran 5k in 35 minutes. I'm getting there. I had glimpses of speed. I finally told myself to suck it up and start pushing. I have been insisting that I couldn't run faster than 5mph because of nursing (that it would hurt my supply). Ben is 8 months old, eating three meals a day and I've been doing just fine- that was an excuse, and no more excuses. So today I did interval training and started to pick up speed. It felt fantastic and I'm super sore- but the run was worth it. It's even worth looking like this while I'm doing it!

Day 33

     Weekends used to be for relaxing. This morning I told Lucas that before we had him, Daddy and I used to sleep in late, watch sports on TV and go out with our friends on the weekend. He laughed and told me that was silly.

Those aren't dairy-free

     We used to be silly. The past ten and half years have been a lot of fun, but there has also been a lot of "growing up"- and a lot quicker than we wanted. I often feel like during our difficult times in 2009, we lost a lot of what made us "us". Does that make sense? I like to think my husband and I are pretty funny people, but we got a lot more serious than we used to be.
     This weekend was filled with housework, yard work, a sick kid, a cranky kid and a few beers/glasses of wine. We try to make the best of things, but obviously we aren't going out on the town like we used to- not that it's a bad thing, just our reality. Tonight, I really wanted to get an area rug and new lamp for our bedroom, so we ran to Target after we dropped of the tiller my husband rented at Home Depot.... Ugh, just writing this sentence makes me cringe- who are we? Anyway, I had Ben in the stroller and Jim had Lucas in the cart. As we both walked toward the store, I declared a race and we nearly knocked over families (at 8pm) with our squealing children (who happened to be dressed in their pjs) to see who could make it to the door first. It was such a silly and happy moment. The kind of moment that used to fill our days when it was just the two of us.
     When we got home, put the kids to bed, put away our purchases and placed a grocery order, I went to get my dairy-free dessert from the freezer as my reward for the weekend and found the box full of rainbow Goldfish, my husband laughing behind me.
     I can't quite explain why, but this makes me so happy. It actually might be my favorite moment from the weekend. I know we will spend the rest of our lives doing silly things to make each other smile.
     I am so very lucky to have found my this amazing man to share my life with.

Day 32

     I want to look you in the eye and tell you something.

No concealer, no make-up, no problem.

     Thank you. 

     In the past week I have received emails, phone calls, texts- even a package in the mail! All of these have been messages of support and encouragement for what I am attempting to do with this blog, which is basically present myself in an honest way. I never imagined it would get the reaction it has. I am so amazed by the response I have received this far along into the project and I am seriously considering continuing this beyond the 40 days. I've never really thought of myself as anything other than a musician and the reaction I'm getting to my writing has me rethinking that label. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

     On to the picture. I've noticed that in my interactions with others I have begun avoiding eye contact. I don't know why- it may be that I'm self conscious of the frazzled state I'm in or maybe I'm just distracted. Either way, starting today I'm going to make the effort to look people in the eye more. If I'm talking to you, feel free to call me out if I'm not making eye contact. I want people to know I'm listening and am engaged in the conversation. I think I've lost that, but I'm going to work on getting it back. 

     

Day 31

     Sick babies are special kind of cuddly.

Yes, that's a beer. Now you know these photos aren't staged.

     We've been very lucky with Ben. While we've faced some issues with him being a preemie and in the NICU, as well as all the dairy allergy problems, he hasn't been sick. Until now. 

     Last night we were woken up at midnight with screaming and we discovered he had a temp of 103.6. I had taken him to the doctor earlier in the day because of a 101 fever and crankiness, which is so unlike him. Lucas always seemed to have something involving a fever so during this lull we'd forgotten about the late nights of sweaty, tearful, cranky cuddling. No one slept well- except for Lucas who is really learning to stay asleep through the screaming- and the day was just as miserable. It seems the only thing that makes Ben comfortable is cuddling, nursing or sleeping. 

     I could be frustrated that his sickness is hampering our weekend plans. We wanted to see the opening of my friend's art show tonight at a local coffee shop and we may have to cancel a visit with my sister tomorrow. But, it is what it is and the most important thing is that we get him comfortable and feeling better soon. There is only a short time in his life where cuddling with mommy will solve his problems. I am going to try my best to keep that perspective when I'm holding him at 2am...

Day 30

     It's #tbt...

      I like to think I was into DIY before it got really cool. For our wedding, I made these frames with the table numbers and put corresponding pictures of us at that age. We both felt bad for tables 13, 14 and 15. But the others were pretty adorable! 

Now you know where our kids get their good looks from.

    

     I was looking through old photos and found this and was amazed at what a beautiful combination our children are of the both of us. I remember looking through our childhood photos together and joking around that we were going to make gorgeous children one day. Now, here we are- I can see Ben's chin and smile in my husband and Lucas's & Ben's cheeks in myself. Also, clearly they were both going to have a ton of hair- a bald baby was never in the cards. 

     Isn't it mind blowing to see yourself in the life you've created? 

   

     

Day 29

     Today was a beautiful day for a walk through town.

Ben is wearing the "wizard hat" my students bought him. And I'm wearing the head scarf because I didn't shower yet.  

     I love walking where we live because there are so many different types of homes. From quaint capes and bungalows to mid-century compounds and historic brick mansions, you can see pretty much every type of house imaginable. This also means the people are pretty diverse as well, so it's been a little tough finding young professionals with children the same age as ours. This may be because we live on a main road or because I'm bad at socializing. But that's a story for another day because...

     We met someone! At first, I walked by a woman who appeared to be the same age as me and sort of waved. She had a baby in a stroller and another kid was running around. I guess I could have stopped to talk, but do people do that? I got nervous and kept on going. Once Ben and I made it to the park, he tried out and hated the swing, so we turned around and headed home. I passed by the woman again and this time we were both on the sidewalk on the same side of the street, so we pretty much had to talk. 

     Thank goodness Ben is so smiley because he really helps me break the ice. It started out with me smiling at her baby and asking how old she was and continued with her complimenting my wrap (a Maya wrap for those who are interested), which I think was mommy-speak for "maybe we could be friends". It turns out our kids are approximately the same age and would therefore be in the same grades at the same elementary school and we live right around the block from each other. 

     The conversation was pleasant and she didn't seem to mind the vomit that was all over Ben, myself and my wrap, so I guess that's good sign! I introduced ourselves and got her name and that of the neighbor from across the street. When I said good-bye and headed home after a few jokes about potty training and the kids sleeping in my bed, I quickly typed her name and the names of her kids into my phone so I would remember them. I'm not trying to be stalkerish, but I had already forgotten the name of the woman who lived across the street- hey, 1 for 2 isn't that bad! Now I'm planning my next walk to casually pass by her house so we can talk again. 

     Ben and I are really trying to be social. I get to the gym, I've made some great friends through a local mom group and I try to go out when we can. Before I was a mom, I never imagined how difficult it would be to get out of the house. There are nap times to consider and colds/teething/general bad moods. With Lucas I just hung around and it wasn't good for either of us which is why despite the vomit and the return of that head scarf, I'm really excited about venturing out of the home today and meeting someone new! 

Day 28

     This is a going to be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Pun intended.

Hmm, I think I need a pedicure

     There it is. My current weight. No estimating, no rounding down, no hiding it. I am 164.2 lbs. 

     I remember my weight from almost every stage of my life-

• 11 years old- 100 lbs
• 12 years old- 120 lbs
• 13 years old- 140+ lbs
• 14 years old- 160-175 lbs
• 15 years old- 130 lbs
• 16 years old- 120 lbs
• 18 years old- 125 lbs
• 21 years old- 170+ lbs
• 25 years old- 130 lbs
• 30 years old- 190+ lbs (Pregnant with Lucas)
• 33 years old- 150 lbs- 189 lbs (Pregnant with Ben) 

     Are you noticing a trend? My weight has fluctuated my entire life. There was a point when I was gaining 20 lbs a year. It's been a tough road to get where I am today. When I have been my most physically fit I was 140 lbs and that's the place I am happiest. But I need to be honest with myself in that I will probably never have the time to devote myself to physical fitness like I used to. Of course I will get back into shape, but let's be honest- 2 hours at the gym 6 days a week plus a long run or 1+ hours 3-4 days, a family run and play time with my kids? I choose the later, and I must accept that my weight is taking longer to come off this time around.

     So there it is folks- my weight for all the world to see. This actually feels pretty fantastic to own up to! 

Day 27

     I should probably never have a nice car again.

Those coffee stains are probably from 2013...

     I went to Target today like every other stay-at-home mom in America does. It's just so easy to navigate with a baby. I know where everything is, I can buy baby items, food items, cleaning supplies, yoga pants and adorable house decor all in one place. Plus there is a Starbucks, so it's pretty much the best place ever. 

     On my way out I had a quick but lovely conversation with the woman parked next to me. Turns out she also has two boys and we bonded over the shared experiences of potty training and sibling rough housing. We said good-bye and got in our respective cars but neither of us moved. I glanced over after a few minutes and saw and we were both sitting in our driver seats eating a snack, drinking our coffee and staring off into space. 

     Cars are both a source of relaxation and terror when you've got young children. When the kids are content or even asleep, you can listen to your favorite music, drink a HOT cup of coffee and not worry about anyone touching you. When they are screaming or crying, you cannot get me out of the car fast enough. 

     My car has teething toys, gloves, coats, dirt, snacks, old coffee cups, new coffee cups, baby carriers, dirt, changes of clothes (for all of us), books, toys-did I mention dirt?- just about everything you'd imagine. To put it bluntly, this vehicle is a disaster zone. It's not the adorable orange convertible Beetle that I previously owned, but it is my space and I love it- provided no one screaming! 

     

Day 26

     After an insane week of rehearsals and performances, "The Wizard of Oz" is over and I'm cuddled up with my boys.

Lazy Sundays are the best.

     Yes, one is in a cranky mood and covering his ears because the smoke alarm was too loud (something dripped in the oven) and the other is naked (he vomited all over himself), while I'm unshowered and sleep deprived. However, I think this may be one of my most favorite photographs of me with the boys. It's so real- this is what Sunday mornings look like and I love them!

Day 25

     It was only a matter of time before I posted a picture of breastfeeding. After all, my life pretty much revolves around feeding this kid.

  I'm beginning to think Lucas has an eye for photography.

     Nursing is something I personally feel very strongly about- even more so with Ben and his diary allergies. However, I could quite frankly care less about how anyone else feeds their baby! No judgement here if you formula feed or if you nurse well into the toddler years. Each family gets to make that choice on their own and I would never pressure or shame a mother over their decision.
     When Lucas was born, I was so uncomfortable and afraid of nursing in public. I felt like I had to hide every time I fed him- in the back of the car, in a bathroom- hidden so as not to offend others. And I was very insecure about his weight gain and whether or not he was getting enough to eat. Nursing made me crazy and I'm sure there were at least a dozen times I wanted to give up. As time passed by, I got more comfortable and learned to respond to the needs of my son. I realized I was doing everything just fine and I needed to calm the heck down.
     Now with Ben, I've reached a whole new level of comfort. I nurse where ever and whenever he needs to eat and I generally do not use a cover as Ben likes his open space. I'm so proud of how far I've come and I've learned that it really isn't as big of a deal as we make it out to be. Last week I had conversations with teenagers while nursing Ben and either they didn't realize or they didn't care. I love how I've been able to bond with and nourish my children and how I don't let that hold me back from living a "normal" life like I did in the beginning of my breastfeeding experience.

     A woman's body can do some amazing and beautiful things! Why should we hide this?