Day 35

     I'm exhausted.

Jim knew this was a blog worthy moment.

     I couldn't quite figure out what it was that wore me down today, but something did.

     I went for a five mile walk today with Ben. We walked into town, stopped in some stores, visited the library, read some books and then walked back. It was absolutely beautiful outside and the perfect anecdote to the harsh winter we experienced here in the North East. During the walk I thought to myself how much better I feel when I'm out in the sunshine.
     Post-partum depression hit me hard with both kids and unfortunately for me, that period also coincided with some nasty winter weather that kept us inside. As I walked through town and breathed in the fresh air, I contemplated how difficult those months were.
     No one prepares you for the tidal wave of emotions and hormones that hit you after childbirth, but honestly, how could they? It's something unique to each individual and each pregnancy. And it doesn't always happen right away, and there are peaks and valleys.
     I know my triggers and I know when I'm losing control. Today I had such a nice walk and felt so peaceful but as soon as we got back in the house I saw the pile of clothes that needed to be folded, the dishes that needed to be washed, the dinner that needed to be cooked, the mail that needed to be gone through- I felt the anxiety building in my stomach. As soon and I put Ben down to begin cooking, he started crying. When Lucas and Jim came home, two more people wanted my attention. There were too many tasks and people who wanted me to focus on them and I couldn't take it- I can't take it. I absolutely shut down. And this is happening more and more frequently.

     But the good thing is I realize this and I am going to start putting my foot down. I need "me time". A few moments in the day when I am alone and can focus on no one else but myself. I can't even remember the last time I went to the bathroom in this house without someone watching me, cheering me on, or banging on the locked door.
     So, it starts tonight and I am hold myself accountable.