If you are around me and I begin to panic about having nothing to wear, please run far, far away. This is warning that I am about to have a full-on anxiety attack. I don't mean this as a female stereotype of the woman surrounded by piles of clothes exclaiming that she needs new shoes. I have anxiety and sometimes it is severe. If you know me personally either you are already aware, or it comes as little surprise. I've always had difficulty making decisions and focusing on the issue at hand. When I am in the throws of a very stressful situation I usually rise to the occasion, particularly when there is a group of people relying on me (coworkers, students, family, an audience). But there are times where I become paralyzed and completely meltdown.
When I look back at the times I have panic attacks, they almost always center around my closet.
In my anxious haze, the closet gets blurry.
Now I know that I have clothes to wear. My closet looks empty because I'm in the process of transitioning from pregnancy to my normal self. I don't like to purchase a lot of in-between sizes because it seems like a waste. After all, I only really need a few items since I spend most of my day in casual clothes that are easy to clean spit-up and mashed peas out of.
Today however, I had to chose something to wear for the wake of the infant daughter of one of my most treasured friends. I will not go into specifics, as it is not my story to share, but it is obviously a heart-breaking situation.
I had nothing to wear.
Seriously? That is what was running through my mind? I stood in front of my closet and broke down. What could I possibly wear to cover up the broken feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I got so angry at myself for caring about the clothing, but the truth of the matter is that it really didn't matter what I wore. That wasn't the issue. I was grieving, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be strong for my friend and show her I could be a rock and would be supportive- not an overly emotional pile of hormones and anxiety. What was wrong with me?
I promise I tried, but finding beauty was very difficult today. Writing this post is very difficult today. I've stared at the computer for hours. I barely slept last night. It seems silly to write anything at all.
So I decided to focus on the beauty of friendship. I love this friend like family. I want to absorb all of her pain. I want to make it right. But I can't. All I know is that I will be there for her every step of this journey. Because she is this precious child's mother and she will always love and grieve for her baby. And I am her friend and I will always love and grieve with her.
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