Day 9

A little #tbt for today...
     
     In the bottom of a box in the back of my closet, there is a black running tank that I wore when I ran my second half marathon. It still fits and was barely worn, but I don't take it out and I won't throw it away. In fact, aside from the crowd of onlookers at the race, only three people I know have seen me wear this shirt.
There were many special things about Philly ING Half Marathon in 2009. First, my original plan was to run in under two hours, a goal was training well for. Second, I wanted to raise money for the lung cancer alliance to honor my mother-in-law who had just been diagnosed. Third, I had a special guest run with me.

This team completed 13.1 miles 

     My husband and I were thrilled to finally have what we believed was a viable pregnancy in the late summer/early fall of 2009. I asked my doctor if he thought I could still run. Considering I had been training for months and I had run the distance before, we decided I would just be smart and pay attention to my body. I desperately wanted to complete the race because of the training I had put in, but more importantly because of the fundraising I had done to honor my mother-in-law.
     I made this running shirt, being the giddy and excited mom-to-be. I was 7-8 weeks pregnant and was so excited to one day tell my child about the time we ran our first half marathon.
     The race was tough. If I wasn't puking, I was peeing. I ran glacially slow and finished in over three hours. The runner in me was disappointed, but the mother in me was proud. We saw the heartbeat of our baby later that week. We found out we lost our baby the next month.
     I hid everything in the house that I associated with our unborn child. I didn't want to run. In the back of my mind I felt responsible. Was I so selfish for wanting to run while pregnant? I became miserable, angry and scared. We went on to have two successful pregnancies, but also two more losses. I was so scared to run or walk- basically if it increased my heart rate or made me sweat, I wasn't going to do it. Despite my desire to hide everything about the lost pregnancies, I just couldn't throw away the shirt. It was all I had of my short time as the mother to this baby. It was baby's first half-marathon.

     I wanted to share this because I was so ashamed for so long. I believed that I caused this loss and would be judged by others for thinking to run while pregnant. Yes, even as I type this, I know it is a ridiculous thought, but it is my truth. 
     Every life has a purpose. That life lifted us all up during a time when our family needed it. That life accompanied me and led me on a difficult journey. That life is waiting in heaven with Grandma & Grandpa to greet us one day. And that life brought us Lucas.
     I never knew this child, who in my heart I believe was a daughter, but what a beautiful sacrifice she made for our family.